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Nae Rolls
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A man arrives at a corner shop determined to buy rolls for his sausages. The shopkeeper says there are none, but every refusal prompts another variation on the same request. Yesterday’s rolls, soft rolls and hot dog rolls all become possibilities as the shopkeeper struggles to make himself understood. The customer eventually gives up and leaves. When a woman asks the same question, the shopkeeper suddenly has plenty available, before turning a sinister grin and glowing eyes toward the camera.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
Any hot dog rolls?
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
In March 2023, STV News described Mortons Rolls' comeback teaser as an apparent reference to this sketch.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:03
Customer
Just in for my rolls.
- 00:05
Shopkeeper
I've no rolls today.
- 00:07
Customer
But I wanted a rolling sausage. I went and bought sausages. I want a roll.
- 00:13
Shopkeeper
No rolls.
- 00:14
Customer
What do you mean, no rolls?
- 00:17
Shopkeeper
I mean there's no rolls today, mate. No rolls.
- 00:21
Customer
When's the rolls guy coming in with the rolls?
- 00:23
Shopkeeper
The rolls guy's no coming, mate. The rolls guy's no bringing any rolls. No rolls.
- 00:28
Customer
But I've went and bought sausages.
- 00:31
Shopkeeper
I'm sorry you've bought sausages, mate, right? No rolls.
- 00:35
Customer
Have you not even got one roll?
- 00:37
Shopkeeper
I've got no rolls.
- 00:40
Customer
But I wanted a rolled sausage.
- 00:43
Shopkeeper
Well, maybe you should have checked if it was rolls first. Right, cos there's always sausages, but sometimes there's no rolls. And the day, on this day, on this day today, today, at this moment, at this moment, as we're standing here, you know, mate, there's no rolls.
- 01:00
Customer
Any rolls for yesterday?
- 01:01
Shopkeeper
No rolls.
- 01:03
Customer
Any rolls? Any saff rolls?
- 01:06
Shopkeeper
Nae hard rolls, nae saff rolls, nae well-fired rolls, nae seeded buns, mate, nae rolls.
- 01:13
Customer
Are sausages like hot dogs?
- 01:16
Shopkeeper
What?
- 01:17
Customer
Are sausages like hot dogs?
- 01:19
Shopkeeper
No, no real. Aye, kinda.
- 01:28
Customer
Any hot dog rolls?
- 01:31
Shopkeeper
Hear me as I say this, mate, right, if you never hear one more thing in your life ever again, there are nae rolls in this building today. day. No rolls.
- 01:40
Customer ?
No rolls.
- 01:42
Shopkeeper ?
No rolls.
- 01:44
Customer
See, the thing is, right, I wanted a rolled sausage.
- 01:48
Shopkeeper
That's great. Have a piece of sausage.
- 01:51
Customer
I don't want a piece of sausage. I want a rolled sausage.
- 01:55
Shopkeeper
But there's no rolls, mate.
- 01:57
Customer
Have you not even got one roll?
- 01:59
Shopkeeper ?
No rolls.
- 02:02
Customer
There doesn't need to be fresh rolls. Even one of the packets of rolls would do.
- 02:06
Shopkeeper
If it was rolls, I would I would sell you the lottery, mate. I would make that roll and sausage myself. But there's no rolls! Do you hear me, mate? No rolls!
- 02:18
Customer
Aye, all right. I was just asking.
- 02:25
Shopkeeper
No rolls, mate!
- 02:27
Shopkeeper
Can I help you?
- 02:42
Speaker 3 ?
Any rolls today?
- 02:43
Shopkeeper
Aye. Hundreds of them.
- 02:46
Go on, I'll take you out there.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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