Christmas Miracle

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Dr. Bethel

   I'm Dr. Bethel, professor of theology at Yale, and this is Cardinal Hanson from the Council of Miraculous Phenomena.

2. 00:08
   

   Cardinal Hansen

   As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.

3. 00:12
   

   Dr. Bethel

   Yeah, we believe you've had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.

4. 00:17
   

   Doug

   This is nuts, man.

5. 00:19
   

   Sharon

   I mean, we're just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas Eve, and now we're a Christmas miracle.

6. 00:25
   

   Cardinal Hansen

   Indeed. Now, tell us what happened after you awoke.

7. 00:28
   

   Doug

   Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs, and Santa was standing there in our living room.

8. 00:34
   

   Doug

   Rills rain.

9. 00:35
   

   Sharon

   And he says, "'Come with me to the North Pole.'" And just like that, we were on his sleigh, like, with the reindeer and everything.

10. 00:42
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    Huh. Miraculous. And you, Miss Rafferty?

11. 00:46
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Yeah. A little different for me. I'm crashing in their guest room, right, and I came downstairs a little later. They were gone, and I was met by a 9-foot-tall goat man named Krinkle Mouse, who, according to some German fairy tale, is Santa's helper. And he points a hoof at me and goes, and I kind of got the hint that I should come with.

12. 01:13
    

    Dr. Bethel

    And were you taken to Santa's sleigh?

13. 01:16
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Oh, no, no, no, no. Krinkle Mouse, turns out, travels by dog sled, which sounds fun, but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the frickin' dog team. And these dogs don't fly. They run. And let me tell you, if you think you can't run as fast as a dog, you're right.

14. 01:36
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    The minute in, I fall. I get dragged for a mile over a rough forest floor, and my sweats get yanked off. So now there's nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter.

15. 01:49
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Look, wasn't the worst time I've had on all four.

16. 01:54
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?

17. 01:58
    

    Doug

    Well, it sounds crazy, but we were taking a Santa's workshop, and it was beautiful, and it smelled just like gingerbread. And, uh, my beard still smells like it, ma'am.

18. 02:10
    

    Sharon

    Yeah, yeah, oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. It warmed my tummy and my heart.

19. 02:17
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    What? These two are in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, "'You work!'

20. 02:32
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    And also, I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs. That's Mrs. Crinkle Mouse, but looks more like a ram than a goat. And she's either jealous or a-lez, because she starts ramming my knocker like that.

21. 02:46
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Pardon me, Sharon. She's going,

22. 02:49
    

    Sharon

    That's enough. They get it, I think. They get it.

23. 02:53
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Yeah.

24. 02:55
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    And what happened next in the workshop?

25. 02:57
    

    Sharon

    Well, you're not gonna believe me, but the elves came out, and we all sang songs.

26. 03:02
    

    Doug

    Yeah, there was a bunch of chubby little guys in fun pointy hats with these cute little toeses and noses.

27. 03:09
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Yeah, the stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Gollum. It smelled like a hard-boiled egg, and I swear to God, this little bastard's name was Shart.

28. 03:22
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    Okay. Did he also sing and dance?

29. 03:26
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    No, no. He's in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it's time to check them for worms.

30. 03:34
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    I'm holding on to a lady reindeer. I'm keeping her steady while Shart's kind of poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I'm getting 20, 30 feet off the ground, and I'm still rocking zero pants here, so my hog taker and log maker are on full display.

31. 03:53
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Let's just say I understand why Krinkle Mouse and company aren't showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas games.

32. 04:00
    

    Doug

    I got it. I don't think you had as good a time as we did.

33. 04:04
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?

34. 04:08
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    And how were you returned home?

35. 04:10
    

    Sharon

    Well, Santa sprinkled this magic dust, and the whole workshop just dissolved around us.

36. 04:16
    

    Doug

    And then we were just back in our living room Christmas morning, and we went right out and loaded up the flatbed with Christmas ham for the poor.

37. 04:23
    

    Doug

    Came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.

38. 04:27
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    The Lord works in mysterious ways.

39. 04:31
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Yeah, so does Shart. Because when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick, and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolve into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I trip some sort of alarm so the cops show up.

40. 04:55
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    And mind you, I am still pantsless, so now I'm spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I'm thinking, damn it, Colleen, you're becoming your mother.

41. 05:13
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    Wow. Remarkable.

42. 05:14
    

    Cardinal Hansen

    Do you think you'll ever see these spirits again?

43. 05:17
    

    Doug

    No, but I feel St. Nick in my heart.

44. 05:21
    

    Sharon

    Yeah, I see him whenever I see a child smile.

45. 05:24
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs so a shark can't be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me home.

46. 05:33
    

    Ms. Rafferty

    Oh, boy. Great. What the hell am I gonna feed that thing?