You're tuned to the good stuff
Suge Knight's Court Ordered Holiday Album
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Seated in an armchair with a cigar, a red sweater and a dollar-sign chain, Suge Knight greets the audience as the head of Death Row Records and explains that his court-ordered community service has led him to release a holiday album. He reads out a track list of carols rewritten with crime and scandal jokes, then cuts to a series of rap-star impressions performing their contributions: a Ja Rule number about spiking the holiday spirits, a Lil' Kim bit, a 50 Cent verse and a mock-heartfelt Eminem song about Santa. Back in the parlor, Suge closes with an ordering number, a pointed reminder about family loyalty and a small-print disclaimer warning that joining his family is pretty much joining a gang.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Suge Knight's family is pretty much a gang. Discretion is strongly advised.
A child is born, but he ain't mine.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:06
Suge Knight
What's up, y'all? It's me, Suge Knight, president and CEO of Death Row Records.
- 00:15
Suge Knight
In order to help satisfy my community service obligations, I'm inviting your family to come join my family for the holidays. With my latest release, Suge Knight's Court-Ordered Holiday Hour.
- 00:29
Suge Knight
Proceeds benefit the Littrell Sprewell Orphanage at NBA Children. That's right, this double CD set is a collection of all your favorite gangster holiday hits, such as Chestnuts Roasting as I open fire.
- 00:42
Suge Knight
I'm Dreaming of a White Mistress. A Child is Born, but He Ain't Mine. Do You Heard What I Heard? I Came at Midnight Clearly. And Ja Rule's smash hit, Deck the Hose.
- 00:54
Speaker 1
Yo, what's up? Ja Rule here in the house to my new song. Yo, check it. Come on.
- 01:00
Speaker 1
Give the tricks some gin and tonics Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Fill they stockings up with chronics Smokin' on the la, la-la-la-la Soon they'll all be sexually curious Fa-la-la, la-la-la-la-la And forget that I sucked in the Fast and Fury Fa-la-la-la-la-la Yeah, fat stacks of wax, y'all And the bong hits keep on comin'
- 01:27
Suge Knight
You'll also get Violent Night Grandma got a drive-by by a reindeer reindeer, Frosty My Dope Man, The Halls, and Lil' Kim's latest track, Jingle Those Balls.
- 01:41
Speaker 2
Merry Christmas y'all drop your drawers, juggle those balls three at a time, homies waiting Old livin' hard Cause I'm uh-oh, yeah, uh, yeah Lil' Kim, what you want? Bitch, shut up! Ho, holes in the house.
- 02:07
Speaker 3
Yo, this CD's got more tracks on it than Courtney Love. Yeah.
- 02:13
Speaker 4
Yo, I saw Mommy Santa Claus Out behind the bubble home last night He nailed her on his sleigh At least it wasn't Dr. Dre But she put his North Pole outta sight My momma's Santa naked Ah damn, that shit's been scary Who's she gonna next? The Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy? You mad at me? My huh?
- 02:33
Speaker 4
You wanna sue me? But in your mind I know you wanna do me for Christmas
- 02:40
Speaker 4
You've seen what he does to his own rappers, imagine what he'll do to you if you don't buy his album.
- 02:45
Suge Knight
So this holiday season, I hope that your family joins my family underneath the tree and picks up Suge Knight's court-ordered holiday album. Hey, you signed them contracts yet? And I told you, I already got my own label. And I don't want to hear no excuses.
- 03:00
Speaker 5
To order Suge Knight's court-ordered holiday album, just dial 5550187. Joining Suge Knight's family could require being jumped in and or forced to participate in illegal activities. Suge Knight's family is pretty much a gang. Discretion is strongly advised.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from across the archive.
