Feuding Parents

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   Yeah. Oh, Wendy, I am so stoked to be spending the night at your house. We're going to have such a blast. My gosh, you are a trooper, you know? I cannot believe how well you are taking your parents' divorce. Oh, it'll be okay. No, I mean, it's your family breaking up. My gosh, I am so grateful my parents are still together.

2. 00:22

   Fine! I'll set the table. Well, I made the dinner because apparently I do everything around here because I'm your slave, Roy!

3. 00:32
   

   Roy

   Oh, are you? Are you my slave? Then as your master, I command you to shut up so we can have five minutes of silence.

4. 00:42
   

   Wendy

   Hey, Mom, Dad, this is my friend Beth. She's gonna spend the night.

5. 00:46

   Hi, Beth. Hi.

6. 00:47
   

   Cathy

   Oh, Beth, hi. Beth Wright. How is your poor mother?

7. 00:51

   oh no she's fine in fact she goes out all the time now and she's taking flamenco lessons what a tragedy well dinner is being served by me because I do everything around here you're right you do you do all the bitching all the complaining and all the misery making in this godforsaken house do you mean the house that my parents are letting us live in rent-free is that the house You're talking about Mr. Morkman's clump!

8. 01:23
   

   Roy

   You knew I had a bad back when you married me!

9. 01:27

   I'm getting a beer! Oh, well, don't strain your bad back. Getting it, I'm getting it! and I'll get it, and I'll get it.

10. 01:36

    So, I'm sorry. This must be so weird for you. Yeah, a little. Oh, don't be sad. Not everybody's parents can stay together. I'm just lucky.

11. 01:52

    Ah, no eating until I say grace. Grace. oh Oh, yeah that was hilarious there it is there's that trademark wit and clever banter that makes you such a hit at all the cocktail parties we're never invited just maybe we're never invited because someone got so hammered she drove the caterer's truck into the stepanic swimming pool Please, i'm hungry can we start please please, please, enjoy the meal that I've prepared.

12. 02:40

    Yes, girls. Let's take a look at the wonderful food your mother has slaved over. A Caesar salad? With lettuce, croutons, and dressing in a bowl? How did you do it, my dear? How did you find the time? Are you some kind of wizard?

13. 03:01

    Roy... ROY, I AM BEGGING YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE ONE DINNER THAT IS NOT DROWNING IN YOUR CONDITION? TO AND MALICE!

14. 03:18

    Hey, Beth and I get CHEER AT THE GAME AGAINST KENWOOD ACADEMY. OH, OH, YEAH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY PICKED US OVER TWO SENIORS, AND, LIKE, THAT NEVER HAPPENS. OH.

15. 03:28

    YOU KNOW, GIRLS, I USED TO BE A CHEERLEADER. OH. REALLY? Really? Yeah, about 50 pounds ago. What does that even mean? What are you even talking about, Roy, huh? Look at me, look at me!

16. 03:44

    I Same weight that I was in high school. Where would 50 pounds even come from? From your big, fat mouth! Peter, Maybe I better Goku, you know, I can probably catch my father and go horseback riding. Oh, no, Beth, Beth, it's okay, stay. Yes, yes, yes, please stay. I want you to see this. Mrs. Strange!

17. 04:31

    No, no, Kathy, don't please for once in your life think of someone other than yourself. Stab me! Shove that knife in my chest! Put me out of my misery! I would love nothing more than to have you. You drip blood on my hands, but I care too much about our daughter to have her grow up in a parent household!

18. 04:56

    I could never do that to her! Never! Why do you think I'm waiting until she goes to college so I can leave you. I have screamed and raged in order to construct the perfect childhood for this girl! And I will never be happy unless she's... HAPPY! I AND I WILL will never be happy!

19. 05:30

    You Hey, want to go spend the night at my mom's house? Totally.