Christmas with The Klumps

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00

   Mad TV presents Christmas with the Clums.

2. 00:06
   

   Papa Klump

   Honey, you hear that Sayin' about Eddie Murphy?

3. 00:09
   

   Mama Klump

   Oh, now, Cletus, you're not gonna ruin our Christmas dinner with Eddie Murphy talking.

4. 00:12
   

   Papa Klump

   Well, why the hell not? Boy, ruinin' my Christmas dinner? Boy, I could make another one of them good Hollywood cop movies, but no. He playin' a freaky doctor that talk to the animals. Dr. Dolittle. What the hell's he thinkin' about? Dr. Do-very-little-at-the-box-office-if-you-ask-me.

5. 00:26
   

   Mama Klump

   Cletus, you don't need to be so hard on that boy. He just tryin' to make ends meet, and you always bein' so hard on him.

6. 00:30
   

   Grandma Klump

   Speakin' of hard, you know what I want for Christmas? I want one of them young Mexican gardens. Tell you, I'm watering my lawn right now just thinking about it. I hope Santa Claus bring me some batteries for my little toy.

7. 00:44
   

   Papa Klump

   Oh, damn, woman! Now you done put a picture in my head. I done carved me a big piece of Christmas ham here, and I can't even eat it. Talking about your lawn.

8. 00:51
   

   Papa Klump

   Hell, I don't know where to make your lawn grow.

9. 00:55
   

   Grandma Klump

   Santa, you keep that up. I'm gonna come over there and cut a piece of Christmas ham off your big, black, chunky head.

10. 01:01

    Thank you. Thank you.

11. 01:03
    

    Papa Klump

    You missed

12. 01:04

    I

13. 01:04
    

    Papa Klump

    me, bitch.

14. 01:04
    

    Papa Klump

    I'm sorry, old woman.

15. 01:09
    

    Grandma Klump

    Bring it down. Come on, you old babbit.

16. 01:12
    

    Mama Klump

    That's enough. Now, we shouldn't be arguing at Christmas.

17. 01:15
    

    Papa Klump

    All I'm saying is that Eddie Murphy shouldn't be doing a movie where he pays it free. Like, anybody gonna pay good money to see Eddie Murphy talking big cheap? It's like if Michael Jackson did a movie about getting his hands all over them young boys.

18. 01:26
    

    Papa Klump

    Ho, ho, Captain EO, Captain EO, Captain EO.

19. 01:29
    

    Grandma Klump

    You know something? Um, I think Michael Jackson and I were getting along famously. My ex-husband, wherever the hell he at, he always used to say to me, I got the ass of a 14-year-old paper boy. Who did it? Who did it?

20. 01:43

    Night and time.

21. 01:44
    

    Mama Klump

    Mama, now, it's Christmas. We should be talking about giving and not receiving.

22. 01:47
    

    Grandma Klump

    I'll tell you one thing. If I ain't giving, I better be receiving. Who did it? Who did it?

23. 01:53
    

    Papa Klump

    Hell with Christmas. You think Santa Claus is gonna bring his fat white ass into this neighborhood? Hell no.

24. 01:57
    

    Mama Klump

    Now, that's enough, Cletus. Listen, I'm not gonna have you disrespect my mama like that in my house. Santa's about love, and love has no color. Besides, you don't know that Santa Claus is not a black man.

25. 02:05
    

    Papa Klump

    I know Santa ain't no black man, because ain't no black man gonna come home late at night and want himself some milk and cookies. He gonna want himself some pork chop sandwiches and lima beans. Besides, if he was black, we wouldn't get a gift to the 26th. Instead of unloading his sack, he'd be loading it up. VCRs, camcorders, TVs, posters, everything.

26. 02:21
    

    Grandma Klump

    Cleves, what the hell you know about being on time?

27. 02:24
    

    Papa Klump

    Hmm, well, I do know what time it is now.

28. 02:29
    

    Mama Klump

    Ladies, you can do this in front of our guests. Arnold, is it like this in your house, baby?

29. 02:34
    

    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Sometimes Maria talks with a potty mouth, but I just tell her to shut up.

30. 02:40
    

    Papa Klump

    I tell you, Arnold, you're the real American dreamer. Come over here, can't speak good, get $25 million to be in a Batman movie. That's what it's all about.

31. 02:49
    

    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    It makes me very proud to make all that money.

32. 02:51
    

    Papa Klump

    And it should. Get to make all them movies, blowing people away with your big guns. Hell, I blow people away, too.

33. 02:59
    

    Papa Klump

    How you like that? Now where the hell is my 25D?

34. 03:02
    

    Grandma Klump

    King, any time you want to get all sweaty, you can come on up to Grandma's room and we can pump some ass.

35. 03:07
    

    Grandma Klump

    I'm in this way. I'm in this way.

36. 03:12
    

    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    I would like that.

37. 03:14
    

    Grandma Klump

    You're damn right good. You like it all night long.

38. 03:18
    

    Papa Klump

    Hey, anybody want to play Name That Criminal Song?

39. 03:20
    

    Mama Klump

    Oh, Cletus, don't you dare.

40. 03:22
    

    Papa Klump

    Oh, woman, please. Here we go.

41. 03:29
    

    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    Great. I know this one. This is from my movie, Jingle All the Way.

42. 03:33
    

    Papa Klump

    Talk about a stinker. What a bum.

43. 03:36
    

    Papa Klump

    Ha ha ha!

44. 03:38
    

    Arnold Schwarzenegger

    I need some fresh air. I'll be back.

45. 03:41
    

    Mama Klump

    I'll do what you got to do.

46. 03:45

    But if I meet another man...

47. 03:47
    

    Grandma Klump

    Oh, he'll be back, he'll be back, he'll be back.

48. 03:52
    

    Papa Klump

    Unfortunately.

49. 03:53
    

    Grandma Klump

    Can't act worth a hell, but damn, he look good.

50. 03:57

    Mad TV will be right back.