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UBS Guy: Promotion

Mad TV1995Season 1Episode 8
Mad TV
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A UBS delivery driver is promoted to district manager and immediately tries to hire his own replacement.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Jaq the UBS Guy is told by Ms. Ruskin that union seniority rules have made him district manager, with the first duty of hiring someone to take over his route. Left alone in the office, he bounces around the desk, tests the intercom and chair, and gushes about his new importance, then orders coffee from the assistant he cannot see. When a cheerful candidate named Andrew arrives for the delivery job, Jaq launches into route shortcuts and gushes over the company's new trucks, and the two swap truck talk until Andrew becomes the manager's favorite. Jaq decides Andrew would make a great district manager and goes back out on the road, delivering a package to him at the desk he used to occupy.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 3

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

According to union seniority rules, no one can advance until you do.

Your first job is to hire your replacement.

You make a great district manager.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Wikipedia's season-one rundown places this installment of the UBS Guy sketch in the December 9, 1995 episode, which featured guests Quincy Jones, LL Cool J and RuPaul.

ScriptEnglish · 44 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:01

    Ms. Ruskin

    Okay, this is it. Jaq?

  2. 00:05

    Jaq

    Yeah, right here, Ms. Ruskin. Right behind you.

  3. 00:08

    Ms. Ruskin

    What do you think?

  4. 00:13

    Jaq

    Oh, this? Backloading Courier J5. Nice truck.

  5. 00:17

    Ms. Ruskin

    Now, Jaq, I meant the office. It's yours.

  6. 00:21

    Jaq

    Mine?

  7. 00:22

    Ms. Ruskin

    Yeah, according to union seniority rules, no one can advance until you do. So, congratulations, Mr. District Manager.

  8. 00:31

    Jaq

    Cool. I mean, you know, this is what it's all about, right? I mean, you know, getting here, you know, I mean, why do you drive, you know, to get somewhere? And that's what I've been doing for 13 years, is driving, you know, destination...

  9. 00:39

    Ms. Ruskin

    Your first job is to hire your replacement.

  10. 00:44

    Jaq

    No problem.

  11. 00:46

    Ms. Ruskin

    Well, I guess I'll be seeing you in the executive dining room.

  12. 00:49

    Jaq

    Yeah.

  13. 01:05

    Speaker 1

    Yes, sir?

  14. 01:07

    Jaq

    Nothing, just checking it out.

  15. 01:10

    Speaker 1

    Coffee?

  16. 01:11

    Jaq

    Coming right up.

  17. 01:12

    Speaker 1

    No, sir, I meant, would you like some coffee?

  18. 01:16

    Jaq

    No, caffeine? Never touch it. Makes me too hyper.

  19. 01:31

    Speaker 1

    Sir, candidate for the delivery position is here.

  20. 01:33

    Jaq

    Cool.

  21. 01:36

    Speaker 1

    Shall I send him in?

  22. 01:38

    Jaq

    Oh, executive decision, um, sure, go ahead.

  23. 01:47

    Jaq

    Hi, I'm Jaq.

  24. 01:53

    Andrew Turner

    Andrew Turner.

  25. 01:54

    Jaq

    Hi. Have a seat. So, Andrew.

  26. 01:58

    Andrew Turner

    Yeah.

  27. 01:59

    Jaq

    I guess you would be a UBS delivery man, right?

  28. 02:01

    Andrew Turner

    Oh, yes sir. You see, I used to own my own truck and I got a lot of experience.

  29. 02:03

    Jaq

    Oh, so you used to work for yourself?

  30. 02:05

    Andrew Turner

    Yeah.

  31. 02:05

    Jaq

    Oh, totally. You never got to wear one of these uniforms. You know, we've got these cool brown ones. You know, it's great, because you can wear, like, long sleeves or short sleeves. You can wear, like, long pants or short pants. You know, they even buy the socks. Hey, where's your house?

  32. 02:16

    Andrew Turner

    The suburbs, Downsview.

  33. 02:17

    Jaq

    Downsview! Totally, I know that. It was on my first route. King Street to Shepherd, Shepherd to Babbitt, left on Babbitt instead of Warwick because the light on Babbitt is synced. Babbitt straight to Downsview. Distribution center, 19 minutes flat.

  34. 02:30

    Andrew Turner

    So would you like to know what my qualifications are?

  35. 02:33

    Jaq

    Sure. Qualifications are cool.

  36. 02:35

    Andrew Turner

    Okay, well, I'm pretty good with people. I got my Class A license.

  37. 02:37

    Jaq

    Class A? Oh, totally. You know what you're gonna love? You're gonna love our Courier J5 trucks. Oh! Dude!

  38. 02:44

    Jaq

    The new J10 trucks are in. You know, I was just reading about them. They've got this Titan suspension system. Makes driving on ice a total snap. You know how some people say, turn into the skid, other people say, away from the skid? With these, there's no skid.

  39. 02:56

    Andrew Turner

    Must really miss driving those trucks, I guess.

  40. 02:58

    Jaq

    Oh, totally. You know what? It's also got a TXL computer right on the dashboard. I mean, think about that. What can we do better than, like, slapping on a Chris Brown uniform, you know, hitting that Downsview route, and, like, you know, doing hand-over-hand right turns while punching in waybill information at the same time?

  41. 03:10

    Andrew Turner

    Just... I can hardly wait, yeah.

  42. 03:15

    Jaq

    Totally. Neither can I.

  43. 03:22

    Jaq

    You know, you're really good with people. You make a great district manager.

  44. 03:27

    Jaq

    Back on track. Destination? Out there.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

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