You're tuned to the good stuff
UBS Guy: Funeral
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
At the funeral of Mr. O'Malley, a UBS executive who died of a heart attack at 50, the company's manager Miss Barry is consoling his widow when Jaq the UBS Guy bounces in with a flower arrangement he persuaded dispatch to let him deliver. He compliments Miss Barry on her funeral dress, announces that the place smells, and asks to say a few words at the open coffin, where beside the widow he muses that the deceased looks ready to hop out and go back to work. His farewell to the body turns into a rambling shift report about overseas packages and a delivery truck with a faulty clutch. Then he lays out how the vice-president's death will shuffle everyone up the company ladder and lobbies Miss Barry for the dispatcher job, even offering to drive the body to the cemetery in his truck padded with packing peanuts and asking the mourners for duct tape. When she threatens to fire him on the spot he finally dances out, cheerfully telling the widow he hopes to see her a long time from now.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Nice dress. It's a funeral dress. Yeah, good choice. Really brings out your grief.
It's almost like he's not dead, you know?
Anybody got any duct tape?
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
IMDb's season-one episode list labels this segment 'UBS funeral'; it aired in the February 17, 1996 episode with guests Whoopi Goldberg and Brian Austin Green.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Miss Barry
oh and I am so sorry for your loss the company is going to sorely miss him I mean he was the heart and soul of UBS delivery
- 00:09
Widow
thank you you're very kind
- 00:11
Miss Barry
my god a heart attack at 50 that's so young
- 00:14
Widow
I know he was fine you know and then uh past couple of years something at work just really seemed to get to him
- 00:20
Jaq
got a flower delivery for the O'Malley
- 00:23
Miss Barry
wait what are you doing here
- 00:26
Jaq
hey good to see you too miss Barry yeah well see I saw mr. O'Malley's name on these flowers I was down at the distribution center, and I thought, I should totally be down there, you know, like, paying my last respects and everything. So I talked to Rodney and dispatch and let him take it, even though it's not on my route. And so here I am. Nice dress. It's a funeral dress. Yeah, good choice. Really brings out your grief.
- 00:44
Miss Barry ?
Great, terrific. All right, thank you, thank you so much.
- 00:47
Jaq
You know, it really stinks in here. I mean, in a good way. Is that him over there?
- 00:52
Miss Barry ?
Yes, I really...
- 00:53
Jaq
Mind if I go say a few words?
- 00:54
Miss Barry ?
All right, but please make it quick.
- 00:56
Jaq
No problem. Hey, Hey, Mr. O'Malley. Sorry about the big guy.
- 01:02
Widow ?
Thank you.
- 01:04
Jaq
He looks good, you know?
- 01:05
Widow ?
Yeah, yeah.
- 01:06
Jaq
It's almost like he's not dead, you know? You all suspect him to jump up out of there and go, I'm okay, I'm ready to go back to work. Of course, he's not going to do that.
- 01:15
Widow ?
No, no, no. No way.
- 01:17
Jaq
Of course, it'd be really weird if he did, wouldn't it? I mean, like... Whoa Whoa, heavy. Hey, Hey, Mr. O'Malley. It's me, Jack. back um sorry you're dead and stuff um but uh i really liked working with you i mean we never got to talk all that much you know because your door was always closing just i was walking by but uh just wanted you to know that um i got those overseas packages out on time so that's done and uh trick number 16 still has a lazy clutch i mean i mentioned a while ago but still hasn't been fixed so i mean it's really hard going to pills you know because it's like you never know know what's gonna do right you know I mean guess it's not really your problem huh so uh guess that's it uh take it easy that was weird I never touched a dead guy before you know really makes you think you know like I was thinking you know with the vice president dying he's in a position opening up the company which means you have to be like a big shift upwards you know
- 02:27
Widow ?
I can't talk about this right now
- 02:29
Jaq ?
I'm sorry
- 02:29
Miss Barry ?
Jack what are you getting at
- 02:31
Jaq
well see I got the whole company tree in my head I figure, you become vice president, Hart takes your job, which means that Atterbury or Ronnie becomes supervisor, you know, because Fox is a foreman, right? So one of the drivers has become the new dispatcher, right? I mean, whoever you pick, it's got to be, like, you know, somebody, I mean, somebody, you know, who, uh, you know, really is, like, out there, you know, really is trying to, phew, take initiative, you know?
- 02:49
Miss Barry
Jack, there might be a change in the company, and there might not be, but this is not the time to talk about it.
- 02:53
Jaq
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but, like, you know, he's being buried at Conway Gardens, right?
- 02:56
Miss Barry ?
Yes.
- 02:57
Jaq
I could totally take him, you know, phew, 15 minutes, you know? I mean, no problem at all, you know? I mean, that's, like, initiative, you know? No, no, think about it, think about it. There's lots of room in the back of the truck. I'd have to pack him a lot tighter than this, you know? Because with all this room between him and the lid, he's gonna, like, bounce around, like, go, go, go, go. You know? But I figure, you know, like, four or five hundred styrofoam peanuts in there? Totally do the job. Anybody got any duct tape?
- 03:20
Out of here!
- 03:23
Miss Barry
Jack, you are not getting that dispatcher job, and if you don't leave right now, you are fired.
- 03:29
Jaq
Oh, okay. Got that. Good. But if you change your mind, you know, I'll be ready.
- 03:36
Ouch!
- 03:37
Jaq
Okay. See you later, Miss O'Malley. I mean, hopefully, like, a whole lot later.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from Mad TV.
