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UBS vs. SpedEx Christmas Delivery
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Jaq, the chatty UBS delivery man, arrives at an office decked out for Christmas, showing off his brown Santa hat and playing with the tree ornaments while the receptionist tries to hurry him along. When she admits that some packages are going with another carrier, his old rival Chad from SpedEx strides in wearing a shiny lightning-bolt jacket and needles him about slow deliveries and broken parcels. Her plea for holiday spirit only sets off a race up the stairs, which Chad wins, and he follows up by boasting about SpedEx helicopters and finishing his own pickup in seconds while Jaq is still signing forms. After the receptionist apologizes for switching carriers, Chad comes back looking for keys he lost in the stairwell, and Jaq claims not to have seen them, leaving Chad shouting his name.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Last time I saw you, you were chasing a manila envelope down Vine, weren't you?
Have you figured out what the word fragile means yet?
UBS. Sooner or later.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
John Blanchard
Director
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Originally aired December 14, 1996, in the season 2 episode hosted by Harry Connick Jr. In a 2025 Cracked interview, Phil LaMarr said the hyperactive delivery-guy character began as a sketch he and Mary Scheer performed on stage at The Groundlings before it was adapted for MADtv.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:04
Jaq
Hey, sure.
- 00:07
Jaq
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Made a list, checked you twice, found out your company's been real nice, so here I am to pick up your packages. Nice nails.
- 00:16
Speaker 1
Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas to you, too.
- 00:19
Jaq
Thanks.
- 00:19
Speaker 1
Hey, what's that on your head?
- 00:21
Jaq
Oh, it's my Santa hat. Ho, ho, ho.
- 00:22
Speaker 1
Oh, it's cute. It's a nice brown.
- 00:27
Jaq
Thanks.
- 00:27
Jaq
Okay, well, let's get your packages out.
- 00:29
Jaq
Hey, cool tree. That wasn't your last week, was it?
- 00:33
Speaker 1
No, it wasn't.
- 00:34
Jaq
Oh, wow, check it out. Hey, my nose is real big. Whoa, now it's small.
- 00:38
Speaker 1
Oh, thank you.
- 00:39
Jaq
Small, big, small.
- 00:40
Speaker 1
Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. I gotta get these packages. Let's get them out, OK?
- 00:46
Jaq
OK.
- 00:47
Jaq
Oh, what about those other packages? Shouldn't I take them, too?
- 00:50
Speaker 1
Uh, no, actually, we're not sending those with UBS.
- 00:52
Jaq
Well, who's going to take them?
- 00:54
Chad
I am.
- 00:58
Jaq
Jack.
- 00:59
Chad
You're a worse nightmare.
- 01:01
Jaq
You guys have a contract with SpedEx?
- 01:03
Chad
Well, actually, I was in the neighborhood, Jacko, and i just thought i'd stop by and show you how things are done
- 01:07
Speaker 1
you guys know each other
- 01:08
Chad
oh yeah been a while though huh last time i saw you you were chasing a manila envelope down vine weren't you huh
- 01:14
Jaq
you know you guys still specializing in those three-day overnights
- 01:18
Chad
let me ask you have you figured out what the word fragile means yet
- 01:21
Jaq
yeah you know you probably have a whole lot less wind resistance if you don't have such a fat head
- 01:26
Speaker 1
please
- 01:27
you started it
- 01:29
Speaker 1
i don't care i just want to I can get the packages out without a fight. Let's show a little holiday spirit, okay? Please.
- 01:34
Chad
I could beat this guy any day of the week.
- 01:36
Jaq
Oh, yeah?
- 01:38
Chad
Yeah.
- 01:40
Jaq
Stairs!
- 01:53
Chad
Yes! In Face!
- 01:56
Jaq
Big deal. So you can run up and down stairs better than I can. So what?
- 02:01
Chad
I don't suppose UBS has their own traffic helicopter.
- 02:04
Jaq
You guys got a helicopter?
- 02:06
Chad
Actually, we have three helicopters with infrared tracking and computer link-ups in every truck. See, that's why our motto is SpedX. They're in a flash
- 02:17
Jaq
Yes, sooner or later
- 02:19
Speaker 1
Catchy! Guys, guys, can we get back to the packages, please? Please
- 02:23
Speaker 1
yeah, okay, Jack you first.
- 02:26
Jaq
Oh, yeah, just uh need you sign there Print your name there
- 02:32
Jaq
Okay, and can you initially signature that
- 02:34
Speaker 1
yep? There you go.
- 02:36
Jaq
Oh actually one more right here.
- 02:37
Jaq
No safety
- 02:38
Speaker 1
There you go.
- 02:40
Jaq
Okay. All right. There's your copy. This is mine.
- 02:42
Chad
Excuse me old timer
- 02:47
Chad
Oops, all done. That's the sped-ex way.
- 02:52
Chad
Whoa.
- 02:52
Chad
Sayonara, sucker. Chopper 1, this is Driver 114. I need a highway status report, please, on the 405.
- 02:59
Chad
Roger.
- 03:01
Speaker 1
Jack, I'm really sorry that was so awkward. My boss, he wants me to try a new company, so I...
- 03:08
Jaq
Yeah, yeah, no, yeah, no. Yeah, I understand. Don't worry about it, you know. It's no problem. I mean, it's competition, right? That's what made America great and everything, huh?
- 03:18
Speaker 1
Yeah, so...
- 03:19
Jaq
So, uh, see you later.
- 03:23
Speaker 1
Jack?
- 03:24
Jaq
Yeah?
- 03:24
Speaker 1
Merry Christmas.
- 03:26
Jaq
Merry Christmas.
- 03:29
Chad
Hey, uh, I think I dropped my keys in the stairwell. Did you see them or anything?
- 03:32
Jaq
No, I haven't seen them.
- 03:33
Speaker 1
Jack?
- 03:35
Jaq
Sooner or later.
- 03:36
Later.
- 03:37
Chad
Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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