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UBS Guy: Answering Machine
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Back in his apartment, Jaq the UBS Guy unboxes a new answering machine and phones Mel, the electronics salesman who sold it to him that afternoon, purely to praise the gadget and its instructions. Recording an outgoing message proves harder than it looks: his first try spirals into a muddled explanation of being home now but not home later, so he cues up music, dances around the room and stages a pretend house party full of cheering guests before cutting it all back to a plain greeting. To test the machine he talks Mel into calling him, only to realize Mel doesn't have his number, and when the phone finally rings he grabs it himself and has to beg for one more try. Once Mel leaves a curt message, Jaq acts out coming home from a hard day at work to discover it, then rings Mel back to tell him the message arrived.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
because I'm not here right now. I mean, I'm here right now, but I'm not here, like, later right now.
Right, right. The jumpy guy.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
TheTVDB's rundown of the November 22, 1997 episode lists this segment as "UBS: Answering Machine." The episode's special guest was gymnast Kerri Strug, with musical guests Corky and the Juice Pigs.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Jaq
All right. Now, final step. Press on. Cool. All right. New answering machine. Answering machine. Apartment. Apartment. Answering machine. Stepping into the future.
- 00:19
Speaker 2
Hello? Mel's Electronics. Mel speaking.
- 00:22
Jaq
Hey, Mel. It's Jack. Jack. Remember? You sold me an answering machine earlier this afternoon.
- 00:30
Speaker 2
Right, right. The jumpy guy.
- 00:32
Jaq
Right, yeah, hey.
- 00:34
Speaker 2
Yeah, what can I do for you, Jack?
- 00:35
Jaq
Um, nothing. Just call and congratulate you on a really cool answering machine and some great instructions.
- 00:40
Speaker 2
Yeah, well, uh, we don't actually write the, uh...
- 00:43
Jaq
Yo, yo, look, whatever, thanks.
- 00:44
Speaker 2
Oh, no, thank you.
- 00:45
Jaq
Yeah, okay, bye.
- 00:46
Speaker 2
All right, talk to you later.
- 00:49
Jaq
All right, let's see. Now, get it going. Um, to record a message, press record. All right, that makes sense. Speak directly into the microphone. Microphone. No problem. Huh, huh. Huh. Hey, huh, huh, huh. Oh, it's a little harder than it looks. All right, I got it. got it, I got it, I got it. Hey, everybody. Leave a message, and I'll call you back, because I'm not here right now. I mean, I'm here right now, but I'm not here, like, later right now. You know, like, when you're hearing this, you know, but I'll be back, you know, later, later. You know, after you leave a message, and then I'll get it back to you. It's pretty good, but I think it needs music. hey Hey, how you doing this is Jack and um I hey Hey, this is Jack and um I'm having a party
- 02:12
hey Jack
- 02:15
Jaq
fantastic food
- 02:15
hey Jack
- 02:18
Jaq
cool tunes as
- 02:20
Oh, Jack, you're so cool!
- 02:22
Jaq
As you can tell the party's pretty happening so I'll call you back later and uh you know don't feel bad cuz I didn't invite you I mean if I was at a real party I totally invite you I mean unless it's a long number which case I probably have to get to know you wait Oh, a minute hey this is jack leave a message i'll call you back Perfect! perfect now the final test
- 02:49
Speaker 2
electronics Mel's
- 02:53
Jaq
hey mel it's jack yeah yeah the jumpy guy right hey i was wondering if you could do me a favor can you call and leave a message on my answering machine you'll just make sure everything's like you're working
- 03:03
Speaker 2
yeah yeah sure look i guess i could do that
- 03:04
Jaq
oh cool thanks all right call me hey
- 03:17
Speaker 2
Mel's Electronics
- 03:18
Jaq
Hey, mel it's jack you don't have my number do you
- 03:22
Speaker 2
no
- 03:22
Jaq
oh Huh, well, I didn't think so. It's 5550155. Yeah, 55. All right, cool, thanks. Hello? Hello? Oh, well, I wasn't sure if it was you. All right, wait, wait, wait. Sorry, one more time. One more time, promise I won't answer it.
- 03:49
Speaker 2
You're okay, but this is it.
- 03:50
Jaq
All right, cool, thanks. Talk, cool, I'm calling. All right, bye.
- 03:59
Jaq
Leave Hey, it's Jack a message and I'll call you back.
- 04:04
Speaker 2
Hello, Jack, it's Mel. Goodbye.
- 04:06
Jaq
Cool. Cool. What a hard day I had at work. I wonder if anybody called while I was gone. A message.
- 04:24
Speaker 2
Hey, Jack, it's Mel. Goodbye.
- 04:29
Speaker 2
Mel's
- 04:29
Jaq
Hey, Mel, it's Jack. I got your message. Hello? Hello? No! No! Hello?
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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