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Wendell's Broken Superman Bed
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Lying on a giant Superman bed, Wendell calls a SkyMall customer-service line to report that a birthday present for his son arrived broken. Agent Riyaz, patient and polite, starts a reorder while Wendell chats about his boy, Stimpy, bragging about his wife and complaining that the 15-year-old still loves comic-book heroes. Each sympathetic nudge from Riyaz makes Wendell more contemptuous of nerds, until he drags the boy into the room to scold him for his body and his toys and tells him to stop being so lonely. Riyaz gently suggests that his son might want to talk to someone, and the call ends on a dark turn that leaves Wendell mostly worried about keeping the replacement order.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Sad? I got a better word for you. Pathetic.
They're not real people, so stop being so lonely.
Don't you dare cancel that reorder.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Riyaz
Hello, SkyMall Magazine. This is Riyaz speaking.
- 00:05
Wendell Sanders
Hello, Riyaz. I would like to report an item which I ordered that arrived broken.
- 00:12
Riyaz
Wendell Sanders, Mockingbird Lane?
- 00:15
Wendell Sanders
That's right.
- 00:16
Riyaz
I am showing the last item that you've received is the Superman bed with the Mattress of Solitude.
- 00:21
Wendell Sanders
That's the one. Ordered it for my son for his birthday, but I cannot give it to him like this. And I'm pretty darn tootin' pissed about it.
- 00:30
Riyaz
I'm really sorry, sir. I will start processing your reorder right now with you on the line, okay?
- 00:35
Wendell Sanders
I ain't mad at you, Riyaz. It's just the system, I know.
- 00:39
Riyaz
Okay, thank you for understanding, sir. Kids, eh?
- 00:43
Wendell Sanders
Huh? Oh. Well, yeah, I just got the one myself. Had sex with a woman and everything to get him. How long is this gonna...
- 00:54
Riyaz
What is your son's name?
- 00:56
Wendell Sanders
Oh, um... Stimpy. Pretty much Stimpy.
- 01:05
Riyaz
I have boys, too. I'll tell you, sometimes they can be a real couple of you-know-whats.
- 01:10
Wendell Sanders
Fucking assholes, you're preaching to the choir, Riyaz. Stimpy, don't you give me that look. You're gonna get it when your mama comes home.
- 01:19
Riyaz
Oh, my, sounds like your wife is...
- 01:21
Wendell Sanders
Bitch on wheels, you got that straight, Riyaz. Hot little biscuit, though. Name's Claire, body 10, face 10. So pretty much hit that every night. Sexually. Anyway, what's holding up the-
- 01:38
Riyaz
Oh, one moment. And how old is your son?
- 01:43
Wendell Sanders
15.
- 01:44
Riyaz
15? And he still wants a Superman bed? Ah, a late-bloomer. Enjoy it while you still can. He'll grow out of the toys any day now. They all do. And the second he starts hooking up with the girls, he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider-Man stuff.
- 02:03
Wendell Sanders
Pretty much seems like how it would happen. Maybe then he'll stop bothering me with all those stupid little facts about how those characters you just named are clearly from two distinct and separate universes.
- 02:14
Riyaz
Sadly, some people never move on.
- 02:16
Wendell Sanders
Sad? I got a better word for you. Pathetic.
- 02:19
Riyaz
Well, I wouldn't say pathetic.
- 02:21
Wendell Sanders
Hey, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em, Riyaz, and I don't tolerate nerds. In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick. Stimpy! Stimpy, get back in here!
- 02:32
Riyaz
I didn't mean to.
- 02:33
Wendell Sanders
There you are, with your round body and your creepy-ass face. No more sweets for you, because you're never going to get laid if you keep eating sweets. And another thing, all these figurines and toys you got around the house, we're throwing them in the trash because they're not real people, Stimpy. They're not real people. So stop being so lonely. Stop being so lonely.
- 03:04
Riyaz
Well, and this is none of my business, of course, but I was wondering if your son would like to talk to someone.
- 03:14
Wendell Sanders
Oh shit, Stimpy just jumped out the window.
- 03:16
Riyaz
Oh, my God.
- 03:17
Wendell Sanders
Oh, he killed himself. Why'd he do it? It must have been my fault.
- 03:20
Riyaz
No, it wasn't.
- 03:21
Wendell Sanders
Yes, it was.
- 03:21
Riyaz
I'm going to call the cops.
- 03:22
Wendell Sanders
Don't you dare cancel that reorder. It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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