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Going for an English
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A rowdy party settles into Mountbatten’s English restaurant in Bombay after a night out. They patronize their waiter James, struggle with his name and compete over who can handle the dullest dishes. Nina’s request for chicken curry draws protests from friends determined to order English food. Bread rolls, elaborate meal substitutions and a wildly excessive order of chips turn the evening into a reversal of a British curry-house outing.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
What's the blandest thing on the menu?
24 plates of chips!
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Sharat Sardana
Writer
Richard Pinto
Writer
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:04
Nitin
Gambit yaar, Bombay is the restaurant capital of India So how come every Friday night we end up here, eh?
- 00:10
Restaurant customer
Because that's what you do, you know You go out, you get tanked up on last season, you go for an English I mean, it wouldn't be a Friday night if we didn't go for an English, innit?
- 00:20
Nina
Anyway, I love English food, yaar
- 00:22
Customer ordering scampi
Ah, get off, you just fancy the waiters in it, eh?
- 00:30
Restaurant customer
Alright mate, f*** we're your ready order now
- 00:39
James
I think and he's feeling unwell.
- 00:41
Restaurant customer
No, don't worry about him. He's fine, he's all right. He's never sick.
- 00:45
Customer ordering scampi
Yeah, what's your problem, sonny, eh? We come here every week and spend lots of money, eh? You should be grateful, you should be grateful.
- 00:50
Meera
Nina, shut up!
- 00:51
Restaurant customer
I believe it.
- 00:52
Restaurant customer
He's all right, he's a waiter, you know? He's a mate. I say, James, you're my mate, aren't you, James? James is my mate, you know?
- 01:01
James
It's James, not his name.
- 01:03
Restaurant customer
James, yeah, that's what I said, damn it.
- 01:05
Meera
Hey, hasn't he got lovely pale skin here? It's really nice and pasty, though.
- 01:10
Nina
Yeah, but you know what they say about white men, don't you?
- 01:15
Restaurant customer
Okay, James, first up we'll have ten...
- 01:20
Nitin
No, twelve!
- 01:21
Restaurant customer
Twelve bread rolls. And bring some of that fancy stuff.
- 01:26
Customer ordering scampi
Butter.
- 01:28
Restaurant customer
Oh, butter, yeah, yeah. Okay, main course, what's everyone having, yeah?
- 01:35
Customer ordering scampi
What's the blandest thing on the menu?
- 01:40
James
The scampi is particularly bland, sir.
- 01:42
Customer ordering scampi
I'll have that. And bring a fork and knife.
- 01:45
Restaurant customer
Ooh!
- 01:46
Restaurant customer
Listen, listen, listen. I'm going to have the same as him.
- 01:49
Customer ordering scampi
No.
- 01:50
Restaurant customer
Except I'm also going to have prawn cocktail.
- 01:53
Customer ordering scampi
Aye, aye.
- 01:54
Restaurant customer
We'll get that in the morning.
- 01:57
Speaker 1
Gammon steak, please.
- 02:03
Restaurant customer
James, tell you what, give him the gammon steak. But leave off all your crap. And none of your peach halves and the pineapple rings. Not in his condition, you know what I mean?
- 02:10
Nitin
I'll have the gammon steak as well, but crap on the side, okay?
- 02:14
Restaurant customer
Nina!
- 02:17
Nina
Um, could I just have the chicken curry, please?
- 02:19
Restaurant customer
Oh, God, Nina!
- 02:20
Nitin
Nina, come on, it's an English restaurant, yeah? You've got to have something English, no spicy shikes.
- 02:25
Nina
But, Nitin, you know, I don't like anything too bland here.
- 02:28
Customer ordering scampi
Yeah, have something a little bland, huh? Hey, J-Mass, what have you got that is not totally tasteless?
- 02:35
James
Uh, the steak and kidney pie is only a little bit, yeah.
- 02:38
Customer ordering scampi
There you go, Nina, steak and kidney pea
- 02:42
Nina
Pass me right up, I won't go to the toilet for a week
- 02:46
Restaurant customer
Nina, that's the point of going for an English
- 02:50
Nina
So, Ameera, what are you going to have?
- 02:52
Meera
Oh, well, I can't decide between the steak and kidney pea and the cod Mone
- 02:56
Nina
Well I tell you what, you have the cod, I'll have the pea and we can mix and match
- 02:59
Meera
Okay, actually I think that is the way you're supposed to eat this sort of food
- 03:04
Restaurant customer
Okay okay okay, fine
- 03:05
Restaurant customer
Right, we'll have two scampis, two gammon steaks, one with the crab on the side One cod morne, steak and kidly pea and chips, chal, chal, chal, chal
- 03:17
Nitin
24 plates of chips
- 03:19
James
I think you might have ordered too much, sir
- 03:21
Customer ordering scampi
What?
- 03:22
Customer ordering scampi
Hey, Clive of India, who bloody asked you, eh?
- 03:24
Nitin
Just bring us the bloody food or I'll do a moody
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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