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The Well Spoken Barber
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A customer drops in to a gentlemen's barbershop for a routine cut and meets a barber who treats every exchange as an occasion for ornate, roundabout courtesy. The barber's convoluted inquiries about the customer's weekend, his marriage and even whose hair is to be cut turn a simple request into a baffling interrogation, and he grows misty-eyed at the prospect of cutting every hair on one head, a feat he claims to have managed only once, in Cairo just after the war. When the barber recasts the haircut as a journey the two of them must take together as innocents, the exasperated customer gets up to leave and accuses him of having no idea how to end the sketch. The barber promises to wrap it up in 45 seconds, settles the customer back in the chair and goes to fetch his tools, returning under the closing credits with a chainsaw.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I sneak myself towards the suspicion that sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever-popular cat drama.
For me to cut all the hairs on sir's head represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.
I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
In the original broadcast, a caption introduces the sketch with a mock literary title attributed to Sir William Rees-Mogg. It closes the first episode of series one, and its punchline plays out under the end credits.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
The Barber
Good morning, sir.
- 00:03
The Customer
Morning.
- 00:03
The Barber
Yes, indeed, sir, it is a good morning. I do believe we are in for a spell, as they used to say in the music halls. Not too hot, but not too mild neither. Ray, the weekend just passed, sir. May I inquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature?
- 00:25
The Customer
No, very pleasant, thank you.
- 00:26
The Barber
Very pleasant, thank you. Thank you, sir.
- 00:30
The Barber
Sir, then might I take it, sir, that for that period you were not within the boundaries of Lincolnshire, where I understand it rained like a bitch?
- 00:41
The Customer
No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.
- 00:43
The Barber
Sir, I am uplifted to hear such things.
- 00:47
The Customer
No, my wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.
- 00:54
The Barber
Sir, is married?
- 00:56
The Customer
Yes.
- 00:57
The Barber
I had literally no idea.
- 01:00
The Customer
Well, never mind.
- 01:01
The Barber
Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate Sir upon the joyousness in good tidings is something I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life. Now, to business. Being one of the shrewdest Sirs who has ever swum into my purview, may I take it that Sir is keen to exploit the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut?
- 01:18
The Customer
A haircut, that's right, yes.
- 01:20
The Barber
Of course, a haircut is a hair enhanced, if Sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old. Now, Sir, the hair in question is?
- 01:29
The Customer
What?
- 01:29
The Barber
What? The hair currently under advisement belongs to?
- 01:32
The Customer
What do you mean?
- 01:33
The Barber
What do I mean?
- 01:34
The Customer
Yes.
- 01:35
The Barber
Sir, I sneak myself towards the suspicion that Sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever-popular cat drama.
- 01:43
The Customer
I want you to cut my hair.
- 01:46
The Barber
Your hair?
- 01:46
The Customer
Yes.
- 01:47
The Barber
So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be funded.
- 01:51
The Customer
Why would I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair?
- 01:55
The Barber
Sir, please set fire to my legs if you think I'm trying to make I think that hair-cutting sounds more romantic and glamorous than it really is. But believe me when I tell you that in my position, one cannot be too careful.
- 02:06
The Customer
Really?
- 02:07
The Barber
Yes, indeed, sir. Once, and once only, have I had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will. And believe me when I tell you that it was both difficult and impossible.
- 02:18
No?
- 02:19
The Customer
Well, it's my hair.
- 02:20
The Barber
Your hair?
- 02:20
The Customer
Yes.
- 02:21
The Barber
Now, sir, we proceed to that most important of stages. Which one?
- 02:29
The Customer
Which one what?
- 02:31
The Barber
Which of the manifold hairs upon Sir's crisp and twinkling headage would Sir like to place in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encampment?
- 02:41
The Customer
All of them?
- 02:42
The Barber
All of them?
- 02:42
The Customer
Yes.
- 02:43
The Barber
Sir is entirely sure?
- 02:44
The Customer
Well, of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you?
- 02:46
The Barber
Sir, I seek not to question the profoundness of Sir's wonder, merely to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent a charge.
- 02:53
No?
- 02:54
The Customer
Well, all of them.
- 02:56
The Barber
All of them?
- 02:56
Yes.
- 02:57
The Customer
Yes, all of them.
- 02:57
The Barber
Yes. My word.
- 02:58
The Customer
Is that a problem?
- 02:59
The Barber
Oh, no indeed, sir. No indeed, sir. Not a problem, sir. So far from being a problem, sir, as you would not believe. I merely hope that sir can take time off from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.
- 03:17
The Customer
Well, you've done it before, haven't you?
- 03:18
The Barber
Oh, yes indeed, sir. Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo shortly after the war when the The world was in uproar, and to a young man, everything seemed possible.
- 03:28
The Customer
What?
- 03:29
The Barber
It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then, but let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole. We shall see. We shall see.
- 03:38
The Customer
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait one cotton-picking minute here.
- 03:41
The Barber
Sir?
- 03:42
The Customer
You cut someone's hair, all of it, that is, once, since the war.
- 03:45
The Barber
So would prefer it if in the sphere of total hair-cuttation I was to him a virgin?
- 03:50
The Customer
Beg your pardon?
- 03:51
The Barber
Yes. That I can respect.
- 03:53
The Customer
What?
- 03:54
The Barber
the desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocence as wide-eyed travelers to a distant land unknowing of our fate careless of our destination to emerge someday somewhere bruised sad a little wiser perhaps but ultimately and joyously alive
- 04:09
The Customer
goodbye
- 04:11
The Barber
sir is leaving
- 04:15
The Customer
yep
- 04:16
The Barber
and maybe favor me with an explanation as to the whiners
- 04:18
The Customer
I don't believe you've got the faintest idea how you're going to end this.
- 04:23
The Barber
so Sir could not be more wrong if he tried.
- 04:29
The Customer
Oh, really?
- 04:30
The Barber
Yes.
- 04:31
The Customer
Well, go on, then. No, you see, you're completely stuck.
- 04:34
The Barber
No, no, no, no. I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds.
- 04:38
The Customer
45 seconds?
- 04:39
The Barber
45 seconds.
- 04:40
The Customer
All right, then off you go.
- 04:42
The Barber
If sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture.
- 04:45
The Customer
Okay. go on.
- 04:47
The Barber
May I assume that... May I assume that, sir, it's close to the level of maximum comfort?
- 04:52
The Customer
40 seconds.
- 04:53
The Barber
Very good. I shall just go go and fetch the necessary tools
- 04:56
The Customer
it's gonna be a chainsaw
- 05:03
Ross Let's just suck it
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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