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Bride of Blackenstein

Saturday Night Live 2010 Season 36 Episode 13

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Robert Osborne presents a forgotten 1970s blaxploitation horror film in which a mad doctor builds his monster a bride who wants nothing to do with him.

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Community rating

8.0 / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

On TCM's The Essentials, Robert Osborne introduces Bride of Blackenstein, a 1972 blaxploitation spin on the Frankenstein story. Doctor Blackenstein and his assistant Igor bring a curvy bride to life for their monster, but she brushes off his advances, tells him to get a job and announces she already has plans with the Wolfman and the Mummy. After Igor explains where each of her body parts came from, an angry village mob arrives, and one villager is caught admiring the bride by his wife. The bride then orders the mob out of what she now calls her castle, and Osborne signs off by promising another invented blaxploitation classic next week.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 7

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

That booty is a masterpiece of modern science.

From a ho who didn't know her place.

"I've just been with Jewish girls." "Oh, then you kind of understand."

ScriptEnglish · 66 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:01
You're watching Turner Classic Movies.
00:07
Robert Osborne
Welcome to The Essentials. I'm Robert Osborne. Tonight, we take a journey through one of my favorite genres, the 1970s blaxploitation horror films. There are so many classics from the era. Blackula, The Black Creature from the Black Lagoon, and of course, The Phantom of the Apollo. But perhaps one of the most memorable was the 1972 classic, The Bride of Blackenstein. Let's take a look.
00:34
Dr. Blackenstein
Blackenstein, you're my greatest creation. The coolest, baddest, blackest monster on the face of the earth.
00:48
Blackenstein
Arrgh!
00:50
Dr. Blackenstein
And tonight, as I promised, I will give you a bride.
00:55
Blackenstein
Arrgh!
00:56
Dr. Blackenstein
Igor!
00:57
Igor
Yes, master?
01:00
Dr. Blackenstein
It's time to pull the switch for the bride of Blackenstein,
01:05
Babel.
01:06
Igor
Ah, yes, she is beautiful, master. And I'm sure the swelling in her backside will go down soon.
01:27
Dr. Blackenstein
Oh, well, it better not. That booty is a masterpiece of modern science.
01:33
Igor
So that's why you had me fill those two basketballs with Jell-O.
01:37
Dr. Blackenstein
Double-triple, baby.
01:41
Igor
Yes, and you think people will like that?
01:44
Dr. Blackenstein
Like it? They'll love it. Look at Black and Star.
01:48
Blackenstein
Now, that's what I'm talking about. Man, this monster's about to get his groove on.
01:53
Bride of Blackenstein
Oh, no, he is not.
01:55
Dr. Blackenstein
Oh, she speaks. She speaks! She speaks!
01:59
Blackenstein
Uh-oh, that's not good.
02:00
Bride of Blackenstein
You think you can just... You think you can just walk up on me and get some of this? I mean, all of this?
02:07
Blackenstein
No, no, no. I mean, arr.
02:10
Bride of Blackenstein
Arr? Don't you say arr to me. I know you can talk. And the first words out your mouth better be, I'm getting a job.
02:22
Dr. Blackenstein
Igor, man, where'd you get that brain?
02:25
Igor
From a woman who had just died.
02:27
Dr. Blackenstein
What kind of woman?
02:27
Igor
Well, she worked at the DMV.
02:32
Dr. Blackenstein
And what about the fingernails?
02:34
Igor
From a cashier at Walgreens.
02:36
Dr. Blackenstein
And where did you get the mouth?
02:37
Igor
From a hoe who didn't know her place.
02:40
Dr. Blackenstein
Igor!
02:40
Igor
What? That's how she described herself, master!
02:43
Dr. Blackenstein
And where did you get the hair?
02:45
Bride of Blackenstein
Excuse me, this hat is real.
02:48
Dr. Blackenstein
Okay, all right. Very nice hair. It's very nice.
02:51
Blackenstein
Come on, baby. I just need some lovin' from my bride.
02:55
Bride of Blackenstein
Bride? Brad, Brad, did you get me an invisible ring? Cause I don't see nothing on my finger. You don't know me. I ain't never met you. You taking me to dinner first or something.
03:07
I had plans tonight. I'm going out with Wolfman and the mummy. That, whoa, that smelly ass dog person and old Mr. Bandage, uh-uh, no way, no way. They my friends, baby.
03:24
Bride of Blackenstein
Not no more. From now on, I'm your friends. and I barely even like him.
03:28
Igor
Oh, Master, I don't understand. Why doesn't he just tell her he's the man and that she should do as he says?
03:34
Dr. Blackenstein
You ever been with a sister?
03:36
Igor
No.
03:36
Dr. Blackenstein
Then you wouldn't understand.
03:38
Igor
I've just been with Jewish girls.
03:40
Dr. Blackenstein
Oh, then you kind of understand.
03:41
Igor
Yes. Oh, Master, look.
03:45
Dr. Blackenstein
Oh, look, there's an angry mob.
03:48
Uh-oh.
03:49
Dr. Blackenstein
Yes, we need to hide.
03:51
Igor
Yes, we need to hide the bride.
03:54
Bride of Blackenstein
I'm not hiding. I'm going out. It's check day. I got an outfit on. I want to dance, baby. Let's get it!
04:01
Ah!
04:01
Angry Villager
You know what you've been doing in this castle, Dr. Blackenstein? And it ends... there! I think we gonna see some werewolves tonight, because that's a full moon.
04:20
Angry Villager
What? What are you looking at?
04:22
Angry Villager
Uh, nothing, baby.
04:26
Angry Villager
Are you checking out the bride to Blackenstein's rear end?
04:29
Angry Villager
Oh, no way, baby. You know I like my booty like yours. Flat and shapeless.
04:34
Angry Villager
Good.
04:36
Bride of Blackenstein
Hello! Y'all the police, because if y'all ain't got a warrant, I'm going to need you to get up out my castle, baby, now. Let's go.
04:46
Igor
Her castle?
04:47
Dr. Blackenstein
See what I mean?
04:50
Bride of Blackenstein
That's right. It's my castle now. And next week, my auntie's coming to stay with us. And she has a bad foot, so she's going to need a room by the toilet, OK?
04:59
Igor
Oh, master, is an ass like that really worth all this trouble?
05:02
Dr. Blackenstein
Oh, it's worth it. Just look at it.
05:18
Robert Osborne
That was the whole movie. Tune in next week for the 1964 blaxploitation anti-war satire, Dr. Strange Funk, or How I Learned to Stop Being a Jive Turkey and Love That Juicy Booty. For The Essentials, I'm Robert Osborne, you dig?