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Ass Pennies

Upright Citizens Brigade 1998 Season 1 Episode 3

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A golfer asks his successful brother for business advice and learns a revolting secret to staying confident.

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Community rating

7.0 / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

While golfing, an advertising man worries about an upcoming meeting with a difficult client and asks his wealthy older brother Nick for a secret advantage. Nick explains that he spends coins after inserting them into his backside, then imagines his business rivals have handled them. The younger brother rejects the scheme, but Nick turns defensive and confronts him with the change in his own pocket. His confidence lesson ends in an increasingly furious boast about how far the coins have circulated.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 2

Ian Roberts

Nick

Brother · Businessman

Matt Walsh

Little Brother

Brother · Businessman

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

One at a time, of course!

Eight times the population of Nebraska.

You all handle my ass pennies!

ScriptEnglish · 52 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:03
Suck
00:03
Little Brother
so anyways, I finally got a meeting with Bellamy the bacon bits king now. I know my campaign is awesome Problem is everybody. I talked to says Bellamy's a real ball break.
00:16
Nick
That's what they say
00:17
Little Brother
yeah
00:18
Little Brother
Well Nick you're my brother, and you're incredibly successful.
00:21
Nick
Yes, I am
00:21
Little Brother
I Was hoping that maybe you could give me some tips that might give me an edge when I meet
00:26
Nick
well, okay sure Here's a good one when you greet him give him a good firm handshake and don't release until he does
00:32
Little Brother
no no no no No, I want something different, something special.
00:34
Nick
Wear a red tie.
00:36
Little Brother
Power tie, that's Bush League. I'm talking about a secret weapon here, Nick.
00:41
Nick
Oh, a secret weapon, huh?
00:42
Little Brother
Yeah.
00:43
Nick
OK, I think I know what you're after. But if I tell you, you got to promise not to tell anybody else.
00:48
Little Brother
I promise.
00:49
Nick
This is sort of a long-term strategy. When's your meeting with Bellamy?
00:52
Little Brother
Week from today.
00:53
Nick
Oh, not much time. But it might work.
00:57
Nick
Yeah, OK, sure.
01:00
Nick
Every time a penny passes through your hands, Stick it up your ass.
01:06
Little Brother
What?
01:08
Nick
And then spend it.
01:14
Little Brother
Thanks, Nick.
01:15
Nick
Yeah.
01:16
Little Brother
I thought you were really gonna help me. How does sticking pennies up my ass give me an edge when I meet with them?
01:21
Nick
You don't just stick them up your ass. You spend them. Now, like I said, it's a long-term strategy. I've been doing this for 11 years now. Every day for the past 11 years, I've stuck $30 in pennies up my ass. I use them for everything. Cab rides, movie theater, groceries.
01:35
Little Brother
What does that accomplish?
01:36
Nick
Will you listen? It's a lot of ass pennies I got out there, my friend. And here's where the magic comes in. When I meet with someone who intimidates me, who puts me on edge, a real hard ass, I just think to myself, they've probably handled one of my ass pennies. In fact, they probably have one in their pocket right then.
01:54
Nick
That just seems to sort of give me the upper hand. I mean, hey, I haven't touched anything that's been in their ass. Hey, where's Billy me like to eat?
02:02
Little Brother
He likes to eat at the pump room.
02:04
Nick
Great, here's what you do. Go to the bank today, get yourself $50 in pennies, stick them all up your ass.
02:09
Little Brother
Oh, please.
02:10
Nick
One at a time, of course. You go to the pump room, buy yourself a nice dinner, paying entirely in pennies. Now, they'll be using your pennies for next week at least. Bellamy goes in there to eat, he gets your ass pennies for change. By the time you meet with him, you know he's had something in his hand that you've had in your ass.
02:28
Little Brother
So?
02:28
Nick
So then you've got the upper hand.
02:30
Little Brother
No, I don't.
02:31
Nick
Yeah, you do. It's just like imagining someone in their underwear.
02:34
Little Brother
No, it's not. It's horrible.
02:36
Nick
Yeah, well, it works for me.
02:38
Little Brother
You know what? I used to look up to you. I used to think you really had it together.
02:43
Nick
Oh, I do have it together, little brother. You don't pull down eight figures a year without having it together.
02:49
Little Brother
You don't have it together, Nick. You stick pennies up your ass for confidence. That's not having it together.
02:56
Nick
Do you think you're better than me?
02:58
Little Brother
I didn't say that.
02:59
Nick
Oh, you didn't have to. to. It's written all over your face. You have any change in your pocket?
03:04
Little Brother
Why?
03:05
Nick
Take it out.
03:06
Little Brother
Why?
03:06
Nick
Go on. Take it out and take a good look at it.
03:12
Nick
Oh, my. You've got a few pennies in there, don't you? I've been sticking $30 in pennies up my ass for the past 11 years. That's 3,000 pennies a day, 21,000 pennies a week, 1,092,000 pennies a year. To date, that's 12,012,000 pennies, Eight times the population of Nebraska. Those pennies were in my ass.
03:35
Nick
You think you're better than me? You're not better than me. You handle my ass pennies every day. You pick up my ass pennies for good luck. You throw my ass pennies in fountains and make wishes on them. You give my ass pennies to your little daughter to buy gumballs with. You handle my ass pennies every day. All of you.
03:54
Nick
You all handle my ass pennies. I laugh at you before you can laugh at me. because your pennies have been in my ass.