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Landmine Factory
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
On his first day at a landmine factory, a nervous new hire is shown the three-step routine by a cheerful veteran who then wanders off, leaving him to panic over every charge. When the veteran returns and walks him through it, the new hire admits he wants out because the job looks dangerous, and his armless trainer flies into a tirade about the assumptions people make. The new hire's every attempt to apologise gives the trainer another reason to demand favours and shout accusations of bigotry, until the argument ends in a firing.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Because I work in a landmine factory and I have no arms, surely I must have blown them off.
Do you know how hard it is to hang yourself with your feet?
Place the charge, arm the detonator, pull the hammer down.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Trevor Moore
Writer
Head Writer of Episode 50 (Wikipedia episode list); no sketch-level writer is published.
Sam Brown
Writer
Credited writer of Episode 50 (Wikipedia episode list); no sketch-level writer is published.
Zach Cregger
Writer
Credited writer of Episode 50 (Wikipedia episode list); no sketch-level writer is published.
Darren Trumeter
Writer
Credited writer of Episode 50 (Wikipedia episode list); no sketch-level writer is published.
Timmy Williams
Writer
Credited writer of Episode 50 (Wikipedia episode list); no sketch-level writer is published.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Coworker
Hey, you're the new guy.
- 00:03
New Employee
Yeah.
- 00:04
Coworker
Excited about your first day?
- 00:05
New Employee
Not really. I just needed to find a job, but the market's crap right now, so I ended up working here.
- 00:11
Coworker
That's not so bad. It's good, honest living. Go home at the end of the day feeling like you did something good.
- 00:17
New Employee
It's a landmine factory.
- 00:19
Coworker
What are you, a vegetarian?
- 00:21
New Employee
No.
- 00:21
Coworker
All right, I'll walk you through it. Here's what you do. You pull the chain here. The landmine comes down the conveyor belt. All you got to do is you place the charge, arm the detonator, and pull the hammer down. That's it. Just make sure that bad boy didn't fly back up because, uh, whoa, daddy. All right, uh, okay, I gotta go finish taking a leak. You give me a holler if you need anything.
- 00:39
New Employee
Okay, anything Okay place the charge, arm the detonator, and pull the hammer down.
- 01:08
New Employee
Go!
- 01:16
New Employee
Place the charge, arm the detonator, pull the hammer down.
- 01:24
New Employee
Go, God! Place the charge, arm the detonator, put the hammer down. Go, God!
- 01:37
Coworker
Hey, how's it going in here?
- 01:39
New Employee
Look, not good. I don't think I'm cut out for this.
- 01:42
Coworker
Oh, no, no, no, no. This is the easiest thing in the world. Here, go ahead. We'll walk. I'll do one together with you. Pull the chain.
- 01:48
Coworker
All right. I'll talk you through it. Place that charge. Very nice. Now, attach that detonator. There you go. Put the hammer down. And... that was good. All right, one more time. Just go ahead and place that charge.
- 02:05
Coworker
There you go. Arm that detonator. And push that hammer right down. And... Yeah, it's good. One more.
- 02:13
New Employee
No, no. This isn't worth it. I gotta go. I can't work here.
- 02:17
Coworker
Wait, what is the problem?
- 02:19
New Employee
It's just... it's dangerous here.
- 02:21
Coworker
How is this dangerous?
- 02:24
New Employee
This is a landmine factory. If one of these things goes off, you blow your arms off.
- 02:30
Coworker
Oh, like I did, right?
- 02:35
New Employee
Well... Yeah.
- 02:37
Coworker
Because I work in a landmine factory and I have no arms, surely I must have blown them off.
- 02:46
New Employee
Didn't you?
- 02:47
Coworker
Polio. I had polio.
- 02:50
New Employee
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't...
- 02:51
Coworker
Oh, no, no, of course, because I work in a landmine factory and I have no arms, and surely I must be no good at my job. No, no, no, no, no, you didn't think I could have polio because only hillbillies and child molesters get polio. That's what you thought, right?
- 03:02
New Employee
That's not...
- 03:03
Coworker
Do you know how much bull poop I have to put up with for people like you that look at me and they think, oh, guy with no arms, guy works in a landmine factory, guy's got to be thinking... No! Scratch my nose.
- 03:15
New Employee
What?
- 03:16
Coworker
Scratch my nose, please.
- 03:17
New Employee
No.
- 03:18
Coworker
I got no arms. Give me a scratch, please. Thank you. Get Get your hands off me, you bigot! Do you know how miserable it is for me to go through life like this? Do you know how unhappy I am? Do you know how hard it is to hang yourself with your feet?
- 03:36
Coworker
Hard? That's near flipping impossible! Oh, I know what you're thinking, so I try something else, right? Okay, maybe I'll slip my wrist. Ha! No wrist! And then I read a book and I find out, oh, the wrist is like the only part of the body you could die from. The wrist is like the Achilles heel of the body.
- 03:51
New Employee
Okay, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. Let's just drop this and move on.
- 03:56
Coworker
Oh, yeah, I'll drop it with my no arms, you insensitive piece of poop!
- 04:02
New Employee
Okay, you know what? You're really weird and mean. I'm just gonna leave.
- 04:05
Coworker
Oh, yeah, just leave, just leave. Hey, hey, hey, get the sesame seed out of my teeth, please.
- 04:11
New Employee
No.
- 04:11
Coworker
I got a sesame seed. I can't get it. I got no arms. For Christ's sake, help me out. Right in the middle. Back, Get out of my mouth, you racist! Don't come back here, you're fired!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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