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Alive Dicks
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Days after eating the dead passengers of their crashed plane, five survivors huddle in the snow, one of them now convinced John Lennon was singing about food all along. Timmy points out that there is still one part of the eighteen bodies nobody has eaten, and the group recoils. Sam, who already ate one and was made to sit apart for it, admits it is still on his mind and snaps when asked how it tasted, so the rest decide to hold out one more night for rescue. When a two-man rescue team finally reaches the wreck, the survivors have starved to death with the uneaten remains close by, and the bearded rescuer breaks down in a tearful speech blaming homophobia. The rescuers then learn their snowmobile is out of fuel and the sandwiches were left at the cabin; when his mustached partner offers to start cooking, the bearded one suddenly remembers something he has to do and walks off, leaving his partner to explain that he only meant the five intact bodies.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 7
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Only now, at the end, do I realize what John Lennon was talking about.
Timmy, we can't eat dicks. We're not girls.
Why, why in the 21st century can't we get past our petty bigotries and realize that we're all the same?
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Aired in the second episode of the fourth season on IFC (June 18, 2010), an episode directed by troupe members Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Do-do-do-do, do-do-do-do, I
- 00:32
Survivor ?
I can't believe we ate the dead five days ago. You know what movie this is like? This is like that movie. Yes!
- 00:42
Survivor ?
Guys, I'm feeling pretty weak right now. I don't know how much longer I can make it.
- 00:46
Survivor ?
If we don't get some new food soon, we're not going to have the strength to make it through another night. Oh, my God.
- 00:52
Survivor
Only now, at the end, do I realize what John Lennon was talking about. whatever gets you through the night is food food is all right John Lennon was singing about food this whole time
- 01:06
Survivor ?
you're going delirious man
- 01:07
Timmy ?
well guys you know we're not completely out of food
- 01:11
Survivor ?
Timmy no
- 01:12
Timmy ?
there's still one part of those bodies that we haven't eaten
- 01:15
Survivor ?
I saw this coming to me be quiet
- 01:17
Timmy
I mean there's 18 bodies over there so that means that there's a
- 01:21
Survivor
Timmy stop it
- 01:22
Timmy
dicks we can could eat their dicks.
- 01:24
Survivor ?
I saw this coming, man.
- 01:26
Survivor
Timmy, we can't eat dicks. We're not girls.
- 01:29
Timmy ?
What's the worst thing that could happen? I mean, Sam ate one and that was already like three days ago and he seems okay. I wonder how bad they were.
- 01:38
Timmy ?
Hey, Sam. Sam. Hey, Sam.
- 01:44
Sam
What? Sorry. Just thinking about Got something.
- 01:49
Survivor
What were you thinking about?
- 01:51
Sam
Nothing. Well, the dick. I was thinking about that dick I ate.
- 01:58
Survivor
Is that why you're sitting way over there?
- 02:00
Sam
No, you guys made me sit over here. Remember?
- 02:03
Survivor
Oh, right. Because you ate that dick.
- 02:08
Sam ?
Yeah, right.
- 02:09
Timmy ?
Hey, Sam, just out of curiosity, how was that dick anyways?
- 02:14
Sam ?
What?
- 02:15
Timmy ?
Well, I mean, it just tasted like any other part of the body right
- 02:19
Sam ?
no tasted like fuck you
- 02:25
Timmy ?
well did it taste bad
- 02:28
Sam ?
you only saw me one of them right there's 17 more of them over there help yourselves fellas
- 02:33
Survivor ?
saw this coming man
- 02:34
Survivor ?
I'm not eating any dicks
- 02:36
Survivor ?
yeah I think I'm just gonna give it another night and see how that rescues coming along
- 02:46
Rescuer ?
looks we see you we're coming to you right now hold on we're almost there oh we finally found you oh god we're too late
- 03:00
Rescuer
yep looks Looks like they passed in the night. Starved to death, I'd say.
- 03:05
Rescuer
But why? There's 17 perfectly good dicks right over there. Why didn't they just eat the dicks to survive?
- 03:15
Rescuer ?
Well, I mean, probably because who would want to? You know?
- 03:21
Rescuer
Oh, cursed homophobia. Responsible for more needless loss of life. Why, why in the 21st century can't we get past our petty bigotries and realize that we're all the same? I curse you, homophobia! I curse you!
- 03:43
Rescuer ?
Uh, sir, we got a problem.
- 03:45
Rescuer ?
What is it, Dario?
- 03:47
Rescuer ?
Uh, I just realized the snowmobile over there is out of gas, and I think we're stuck here.
- 03:52
Rescuer ?
Oh, no.
- 03:54
Rescuer ?
Yeah, and to make things worse, I think I left the sandwiches back at the cabin.
- 03:58
Rescuer ?
Oh, my.
- 03:59
Rescuer
Yeah. Want me to go ahead and start frying up some of these dicks?
- 04:05
Rescuer
Oh! No! No, no need to do that just yet. I, uh, oh wait, there's something I forgot to do. Um, oh yeah.
- 04:19
Rescuer
Or some of these five other perfectly whole bodies we have here. I was kinda making a joke about the whole dick thing.
- 04:28
Rescuer ?
Oh, boy.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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