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Bad Panda
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Terry Milo interrupts a head zookeeper to ask for work, brushing aside suggestions that he apply through human resources. He insists that his real talent is keeping badly behaved animals in line, and describes increasingly disturbing examples of his methods. The zookeeper condemns the proposal until Terry assures him that he is not a police officer. With that concern settled, the conversation takes an unexpectedly practical turn toward a troublesome panda.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Good monkeys for a week.
I'm not a cop.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Head Zookeeper
Martha, no, I've said this a thousand times. We have to move the giraffe habitat off of that hill. Every time a thunderstorm comes through, we lose two of them. And those things, they're expensive. Yes, they are, Martha. Martha, yes, they are.
- 00:18
That is Mr. Milo to see you.
- 00:20
Head Zookeeper
Martha, I'm going to have to call you back, okay? Kendra, I don't know who that is.
- 00:24
Mr. Milo's coming in.
- 00:25
Head Zookeeper
Kendra, I...
- 00:26
Terry Milo
Terry Milo. Thanks for seeing me, sir.
- 00:28
Head Zookeeper
Hi, Terry. Terry, what can I do for you?
- 00:32
Terry Milo
Well, I'm here for a job.
- 00:35
Head Zookeeper
Well, Terry, I'm the head zookeeper here. I don't really do the hiring. We have a personnel department for that.
- 00:40
Terry Milo
Mr. Zookeeper, I know I don't look like much, but I got it where it counts. Just give me a chance to prove myself. That's all I ask.
- 00:46
Head Zookeeper
Look, Terry, that kind of thing's really not up to me. Now, you could go down to human resources. I do happen to know that we have a couple of openings in the gift shop. I think there's a cashier spot.
- 00:56
Terry Milo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry about that, man. I don't want one of those sissy button-pushing jobs. I'm here to do the real work.
- 01:05
Head Zookeeper
What real work?
- 01:08
Terry Milo
I'm the guy. I'm the guy that goes around the zoo and wails on the animals when they're bad.
- 01:14
Head Zookeeper
I'm sorry, what?
- 01:16
Terry Milo
You know, lay the smack down on them when they act up. I'll wail on all of them. I'll wail on a giraffe. I'll wail on an otter. I'll even wail on a whale.
- 01:26
Head Zookeeper
Okay, Mr. Mudd...
- 01:27
Terry Milo
I walked around your zoo, mister. You got some bad animals.
- 01:30
Head Zookeeper
Mr. Milo.
- 01:31
Terry Milo
I mean, you got some animals in here that are just begging for a beatdown.
- 01:35
Head Zookeeper
Okay, Mr. Milo, please.
- 01:36
Terry Milo
I went up to your prairie dog exhibit. I was up there for ten minutes. I didn't see not one of them stick their heads out of their holes.
- 01:41
Head Zookeeper
Well, it's midday, and it's been incredibly hot lately.
- 01:44
Terry Milo
Then I went up to see your lions, and they were all just sleeping. All of them. Not doing a nothing.
- 01:49
Head Zookeeper
That's normal.
- 01:50
Terry Milo
You don't need to put up with bad lions. Now, I know a lot of people are afraid of wailing on them, but not me. I'll put the herd on them, especially lions.
- 01:57
Head Zookeeper
Mr. Milo.
- 01:58
Terry Milo
I'm serious. I'm serious. You'll see. You're going to have some busted up lions limping around here.
- 02:04
Head Zookeeper
Okay, Mr. Milo?
- 02:05
Terry Milo
I'm serious. I go to town.
- 02:06
Head Zookeeper
Mr. Milo, we do not go to town or wail on the animals in this zoo.
- 02:13
Terry Milo
I punched a monkey square in the face once.
- 02:15
Head Zookeeper
What?
- 02:16
Terry Milo
He didn't even do anything wrong. It was just to show the other monkeys I was serious.
- 02:20
Head Zookeeper
Mr. Milo.
- 02:21
Terry Milo
That monkey was my friend, too. He didn't know I hit him. I called him over with some jelly beans in my hand. He was like, oh, thank you for the jelly beans. Right in the face. Good monkeys for a week.
- 02:30
Head Zookeeper
Mr. Milo, what you are suggesting is despicable, illegal, and immoral. And that is not the way that we run things in my zoo.
- 02:39
Terry Milo
I'm not a cop.
- 02:40
Head Zookeeper
Show me your tits.
- 02:44
Head Zookeeper
Thank God, man. We got this new panda here. He's a real asshole. Our last guy, he left like two months ago, and it has been hell.
- 02:50
Terry Milo
Take me to him. You got any jelly beans?
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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