I Teached a Whale

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Mrs. Lambert

   All right, good morning class. Welcome to the new year. Before we start today, does anyone have anything neat they did over summer vacation? Would anyone like to talk about their summer break?

2. 00:10
   

   Mrs. Lambert

   Yeah, Steven.

3. 00:11
   

   Stephen

   My brother let me try marijuana.

4. 00:13
   

   Mrs. Lambert

   That's great, Steven.

5. 00:14
   

   Stephen

   It was so awesome, you guys. I'm going to do it every day for the rest of my life.

6. 00:18
   

   Mrs. Lambert

   Okay, Steven, go to the principal's office.

7. 00:20
   

   Stephen

   What? Why?

8. 00:20
   

   Mrs. Lambert

   Go to the office. Did anyone have anything legal that they did over summer vacation? Yes, Billy.

9. 00:28
   

   Billy

   Billy. This summer, I teached a whale to jump out of its tail.

10. 00:33
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    What?

11. 00:34
    

    Billy

    This summer, over summer break, I teached a whale to jump out of his tail.

12. 00:38
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    What are you talking about, Billy?

13. 00:40
    

    Billy

    This summer, I teached a whale to jump out of his tail.

14. 00:43
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Stop being silly. You're not making any sense.

15. 00:45
    

    Billy

    I'm not being silly. I'm answering your question. That's what I did this summer. I teached a whale to jump out of the water and then jump again so hard that his tail came off.

16. 00:54
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Billy, that's impossible. Stop lying or I will send you to the principal's office.

17. 00:58
    

    Billy

    I'm not lying. Stop calling me a liar. This summer, I teached a whale to jump out of his tail on vacation.

18. 01:04
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Billy, stop lying. You're wasting class time.

19. 01:07
    

    Billy

    I'm not lying, and your calling me a liar is damaging my self-esteem as a student.

20. 01:11
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Fine. Then prove it.

21. 01:13
    

    Billy

    Prove what?

22. 01:13
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Prove that you taught a whale to jump out of its tail.

23. 01:16
    

    Billy

    Uh, okay. How am I gonna prove that here in Ohio? It's not like there's a ton of whales in Akron. Guess you can't prove me a liar, huh? Huh?

24. 01:25
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Then where did you teach these whales to jump out of their tails?

25. 01:28
    

    Billy

    Florida.

26. 01:29
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Son of a bitch, Billy. Totally did it. All right, class, get your shit. We're going to Florida.

27. 01:36
    

    Billy

    What about permission slips?

28. 01:37
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Fuck permission slips! Here we go, Billy. I'm gonna prove you to be the lying liar that I know that you are. You will rue the day.

29. 01:48
    

    Billy

    Whatever, Ms. Lambert.

30. 01:52
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    That's it. That's it, no seatbelt for Billy!

31. 01:54
    

    Billy

    Hey, no, I want my seatbelt.

32. 01:55
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    No, no seatbelt for you. Maybe now, if we get in an accident, you'll think about showing your elders some respect. Sealand, 10 miles, here we go!

33. 02:05
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    Hello there, and welcome to Sealand, Orlando, home to sea creatures of the world and beyond.

34. 02:10
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Hi, yes, how are you doing? My name is Mrs. Lambert, and I teach third grade at Akron Elementary.

35. 02:14
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    Well, hello, Mrs. Lambert. My name is Timmy Williams, and I am the official sea greeter here at Sealand, Orlando, home to sea creatures of the world and beyond. on.

36. 02:22
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    That's wonderful. Thank you. I have a student here named Billy who claims he can teach a whale to jump out of its own tail.

37. 02:29
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    I know. That's impossible. Thank you. You would have to be like the greatest whale trainer ever born to do something like that.

38. 02:36
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    It is as you say. Oh my God. No, it's not. He's lying. He is a liar. Billy, be silent.

39. 02:43
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Might we borrow one of your whales so that Billy could show us all this impressive feed of his?

40. 02:47
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    I am sorry, but we are temporarily out of whales here at Sea Land Orlando, home to Sea and other sea creatures of the world and beyond. You see, the last hurricane that came through here, Jennifer picked up all the whales up out of their tank and dropped them down onto the old abandoned barbed wire factory on the outskirts of town.

41. 03:02
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    We found old Sham Sham with his tail all twisted up and impaled on a piece of barbed wire. He's trying to get back to the sea with his little whale fins. He made it about halfway through the basketball court, but he just couldn't get his tail free, so he slowly baked to death there on the asphalt while the local school kids came out and used his body as a bike ramp.

42. 03:20
    

    Billy

    I could have taught him how to get away from his tail

43. 03:24
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Billy, shut up Everybody back in the car, we're going to Mexico Let's go, kids

44. 03:30
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    I'm coming with You know a whale's heart is eight times the size of a man's? I heard that Sham Sham finally died when some kid stabbed him in the eye with a ruler But I think his heart was just too big for this world

45. 03:44
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    I want all of the children to make a promise to me That when Billy is discovered to be a liar they will not be friends with him anymore.

46. 03:52

    Speaker 1

    Hey, Ms. Lambert, how do you get all those cool blue lines in your legs?

47. 03:58
    

    Whale World Greeter

    Mexico, four miles! Bienvenidos de la Oceana del Mexico, la casa de los Oceanos Marinos.

48. 04:09
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Hola, mi llamo is Mrs. Lambert and I teach third grade at Akron Elementary in Akron, Ohio. I have a student here named Billy who claims he can teach a whale to jump out of its tail.

49. 04:21
    

    Whale World Greeter

    Dios mio! Only the one foretold in prophecy who could one day unite the eight wandering tribes of Mexico can accomplish such a feat. Behold, I am among you.

50. 04:30
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    No, he's lying! He is a liar! Billy, I will beat you lifeless! Might we borrow one of your whales so that Billy could show us all of his impressive feet?

51. 04:40
    

    Whale World Greeter

    Silly lady, there are no whales in Mexico.

52. 04:43
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Then why does your sign say whale world?

53. 04:45
    

    Whale World Greeter

    But that sign right there, that says wahale world. What the fuck is a wahale? That's kind of like a chalupa. There's whale in it.

54. 04:51
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Okay, that's it. I'm gonna find one myself. Kids, to the ocean! Let's go! I'm coming with! the ocean

55. 04:59

    Speaker 2

    The ocean, she's crazy. Once saw a dolphin jump out of the water 20 feet. And on its way down, clubbed a girl in the head with a lead pipe.

56. 05:09
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Okay, just stop the boat here. This is a good spot.

57. 05:13
    

    Whale World Greeter

    Billy, I am gonna find you a whale. And I'm gonna teach it to jump out of its tail. And unite the brethren of the wandering tribes. was. Maybe.

58. 05:21
    

    Sea Land Greeter

    Ah, shucks, kid. I just wish you the best.

59. 05:24
    

    Mrs. Lambert

    Whale hoe, right off the starport side. Okay, everybody, let's pay attention as Billy teaches this whale to jump out of its own tail. Billy, the floor is yours.