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European History: 1620

The Whitest Kids U'Know2007Season 1Episode 4
The Whitest Kids U'KnowWKUK
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A stagey history pageant restages the first meeting of Europeans and Indians in 1620, with the settlers as the peacemakers.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Presented as a European History re-enactment on a cardboard forest stage, the sketch opens with two bored Indians who decide the cure for their boredom is torching every tree in the country. When two wigged European settlers row in offering friendship and then politely agree to leave, the Indians refuse every concession, invoke Satan, make lurid threats against Europe and insist on a fight. The reluctant settlers kneel to pray for forgiveness before taking up arms, while the Indians set the stakes: whoever loses must live on reservations forever, a twist that flips the real history on its head.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 4

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

I hate all these trees. We should chop them down and burn them.

We come in peace to share this land in harmony.

Now whoever loses has to go live on reservations. Forever.

ScriptEnglish · 28 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:00

    European history! 1620

  2. 00:09

    Running Bear

    Oh, I'm so bored.

  3. 00:11

    Indian

    Me too, Running Bear.

  4. 00:13

    Running Bear

    I hate all these trees. We should chop them down and burn them.

  5. 00:17

    Indian

    We should set this whole country on fire.

  6. 00:20

    Running Bear ?

    Yeah!

  7. 00:23

    Colonizer ?

    Hello, Indians.

  8. 00:25

    Who are you?

  9. 00:26

    Colonizer

    We are the Europeans. We come in peace to share this land in harmony.

  10. 00:30

    Colonizer ?

    Yes.

  11. 00:31

    Indian

    No deal. We're gonna burn this whole country down.

  12. 00:34

    Running Bear

    We're bored. We're going to burn it for Satan.

  13. 00:37

    Colonizer

    Now, Indians, don't burn America.

  14. 00:39

    Colonizer

    Now, now, Zack, they were here first. This is their land, and they can do with it what they please.

  15. 00:44

    Colonizer

    You're right. I apologize, Indians. We'll be going now.

  16. 00:48

    Indian

    No deal. You've got to fight us first.

  17. 00:51

    Running Bear

    Yeah, for Satan.

  18. 00:53

    Colonizer ?

    There's no need to be rash, Indians. We're getting in our boats and we're leaving.

  19. 00:56

    Indian

    If you go back without killing us all, we're going to follow you back to Europe and rape all your babies. Then we're going to rape all the babies in the world.

  20. 01:10

    Colonizer

    Dear merciful God, please forgive us for the task we are about to undertake.

  21. 01:14

    Colonizer

    You know that we Europeans are a peaceful race. We want not to do battle, but for the good of virgin babies everywhere.

  22. 01:21

    Colonizer

    And non-virgin babies.

  23. 01:22

    Colonizer

    And worldly babies, we must to arms.

  24. 01:25

    Colonizer

    Amen. Amen.

  25. 01:27

    Indian

    Now whoever loses has to go live on reservations. Forever.

  26. 01:31

    Colonizer

    Now, Indians, there's no need for that. whoever loses can simply go on living peacefully with the winner

  27. 01:36

    Indian

    no deal

  28. 01:37

    Colonizer

    very well En garde!

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

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