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Into the Doors
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
A customer browsing a record store, after hearing the clerk dismiss every new release, idly mentions that he might get into the Doors. The clerk treats this as a sacred calling: he scorns the idea of starting with a greatest-hits record, prescribes one album to be played at dusk every night for a month, and lectures him about the band's missing bassist and why they will never tour again. After an explosive claim about his source and a brief interruption from another shopper, he hands over a rare eight-track and lays out an absurd rite of passage, involving a stolen car, a road trip and a fight, that the customer must complete before he can call himself a fan.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Doors fans aren't made. They're born.
Was that a Frampton reference in my store?
The gypsies had no homes. The Doors had no bass.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
John Blanchard
Director
Bruce McCulloch
Writer
Kevin McDonald
Writer
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
The official episode description titles this sketch "Into the Doors"; the kithfan.org transcript lists it as "The Doors". Bruce McCulloch later reworked the Doors-fan rant as the track "Doors", credited to McCulloch and Kevin McDonald, on his 1995 comedy album Shame-Based Man.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Record Store Clerk
Those are all hacked Take care
- 00:05
Customer
Excuse me.
- 00:05
Record Store Clerk
Yeah,
- 00:06
Customer
do you have the new day passion mode record?
- 00:08
Record Store Clerk
Yeah, it's over there, but it sucks
- 00:11
Customer
Do Well, do you have the latest pixies album?
- 00:20
Record Store Clerk
Yeah, but it sucks All that new stuff sucks, but it's over there,
- 00:25
Customer
you know, actually I was thinking of getting into something vintage anyway
- 00:29
Record Store Clerk
Yeah,
- 00:30
Customer
I don't know. Maybe the doors
- 00:32
Record Store Clerk
really Never had you figured for a Doors fan
- 00:36
Customer
I'm not really a Doors fan, but sure, I'd like to get into them.
- 00:39
Record Store Clerk
No, no, no, my friend. Doors fans aren't made. They're born. I think right now in Africa, there's some guy madly beating on a drum. He's a Doors fan. Or an old lady on the bus sucking humbugs. She's a rider on the storm, but she ain't never heard the sounds.
- 00:57
Record Store Clerk
So what about you?
- 00:59
Customer
Well, I heard a record of theirs last night at a party.
- 01:01
Record Store Clerk
Yeah?
- 01:01
Customer
And I've always liked Lever Madly.
- 01:03
Record Store Clerk
Well, if you become a Doors fan, lover madly is the only song you won't like
- 01:07
Customer
all right I guess I should start with our greatest hits
- 01:10
Record Store Clerk
hey greatest hits albums are for housewives and little girls you're not serious you want to be a doors fan get out of my store
- 01:16
Customer
I want you to show me the way
- 01:20
Record Store Clerk
was that a Frampton reference in my store
- 01:23
Customer
no no no lyrics just words just words
- 01:28
Record Store Clerk
words
- 01:29
Record Store Clerk
all right you want to be a doors fan you You can't just go buy any album. It's scientific. You gotta buy this, Waiting for the Sun. It's the departure point. Listen to it every night around dusk for about a month.
- 01:45
Customer
Sounds good, then what?
- 01:46
Customer
Who's playing bass?
- 01:50
Record Store Clerk
No one. No bass.
- 01:52
Customer
No bass?
- 01:53
Record Store Clerk
That's right. The gypsies had no homes, the Doors had no bass. But don't let that scare you, my friend. Let that liberate you. Because when you're free-flying with the Doors, man, what do you need a safety net for?
- 02:06
Record Store Clerk
Viva la Doors!
- 02:07
Customer
Viva la Doors!
- 02:07
Record Store Clerk
All right. Listen, there's a burden that every real Doors fan's got to live with. That's the fact that the greatest rock and roll band of all time is never gonna play live again. Can't live in the past.
- 02:24
Customer
No, wait. There's hope. I heard once that Iggy Pop is gonna front them, and the Doors are gonna tour again.
- 02:31
Record Store Clerk
where'd you hear that
- 02:32
Customer
oh i heard it somewhere
- 02:34
Record Store Clerk
yeah read in your precious cream magazine maybe well it's not gonna happen
- 02:40
Customer
well how do you know that
- 02:41
Record Store Clerk
because somebody told me
- 02:43
Customer
well who told
- 02:44
Record Store Clerk
do you want to know who told me
- 02:45
Customer
oh yeah
- 02:45
Record Store Clerk
jim fucking morrison told me
- 02:48
that's a new
- 02:54
Second Customer
Do you have the new depeche mode album
- 02:56
Record Store Clerk
i forgive you here take this it's an eight-track tape it's one of the last in existence distance.
- 03:07
Record Store Clerk
I want you to steal a car.
- 03:09
Customer
I have a car.
- 03:10
Record Store Clerk
Steal a car. Steal a car. Get in it and drive west. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight. Then get back into the car and come to town and meet me at the Cargas Club.
- 03:22
Customer
What will you do?
- 03:23
Record Store Clerk
I will let you in to the most prestigious hotel of all time.
- 03:28
Customer
Which is?
- 03:30
Record Store Clerk
Morrison Hotel.
- 03:32
Customer
Then what?
- 03:33
Record Store Clerk
Then you're going to
- 03:35
Customer
I'm gonna be a Doors fan, man.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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