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Weekend Update: Christmas Joke Swap 2024
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Colin Jost and Michael Che close Weekend Update with their holiday joke exchange, reading material the other has prepared without an advance look. Jost adopts an exaggerated delivery for jokes about race and his marriage, while Che is saddled with increasingly compromising celebrity punchlines. A backstage camera follows Scarlett Johansson as she watches her husband struggle through the jokes about their relationship.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I ain't afraid of you mofos.
Behind the scenes
The people who made it.
Colin Jost
Writer
Michael Che
Writer
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Colin Jost
Well, as you can tell from that joke, it's Christmas, and we have a tradition here on Update. We're playing on...
- 00:08
Michael Che
-huh,
- 00:09
Colin Jost
Yeah, okay, yeah. You're applauding now. We give each other jokes to read.
- 00:15
Michael Che
Yeah, we're making each other read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.
- 00:21
Colin Jost
But time out. Before we do this, I know Michael is gonna make me tell some racist jokes like he always does. so this time if you don't mind i'd like to read all the jokes in black voice so i don't come So I get in trouble
- 00:45
Michael Che
i mean colin i don't mind do what you got to do man i don't even know what black voice is weird you would bring that up please why don't you do the first joke
- 00:58
Colin Jost
so So sorry. sorry in advance oh reparations i wonder what this is about okay Okay, okay okay okay y'all know my girl i know Y'all my girl kamala harris held held a town hall talking about she still supports the idea of slavery reparations well damn girl me too because white people deserve to serve our money back for all those slaves that ran away. I ain't I ain't afraid of you mofos.
- 01:55
Michael Che
Wow. Wow. I had no idea that was just what Black Voice was.
- 02:01
Michael Che
A new study finds that women are more likely to have an orgasm if they are in touch with their body's signals, such as heart rate and breathing, as opposed to the women I have sex with, who just hold their breath until it's over.
- 02:17
Michael Che
Oh, my God!
- 02:20
Colin Jost
I why I want want to dedicate this next joke to my boo, Scarlett Johansson. My
- 02:38
Oh, my God.
- 02:43
Colin Jost
God, she's so genuinely worried.
- 02:46
Colin Jost
Hey, boo. Y'all know Scarlett just celebrated her 40th birthday, which means I'm about to get up out of there.
- 02:59
What? What? She is. She She is.
- 03:10
Michael Che
I think there's a little more, Kyle.
- 03:11
Colin Jost
Oh, there's more. Oh. Nah, nah, I'm just playing. We just had a kid together, and y'all ain't seen no pictures of him yet because he blackens out.
- 03:28
Colin Jost
She is. She is. I Afraid of you mofos.
- 03:34
Oh, shit.
- 03:35
Michael Che
I ain't afraid of you mofos.
- 03:41
Michael Che
Moana 2 continues to set records at the box office because, like me and my good friend Jeffrey Epstein used to say, there's nothing like an island adventure with a teenage girl i'm I'm just kidding i would never ever sleep with a girl as dark as moana
- 04:03
Michael Che
and and hey and hey hey before we go i would be remiss if i didn't address the allegations about jay-z no man no no no no some people are afraid to talk about it but not mikey the troop bomb chase So here it is.
- 04:26
Michael Che
Jay-Z is innocent. He wasn't even at those parties, and I know because I won. And, And Diddy, if you're listening, we're bad boys for life.
- 04:40
Michael Che
When it comes to the charges against you, I'll say the same thing I always said at your parties. I will help hit you off.
- 04:59
Colin Jost
Strange thing to say at a party, but...
- 05:03
Wow.
- 05:04
Colin Jost
Nah, for real though Costco Costco, Costco Has removed the roast beef sandwich From it's menu But I ain't tripping I've been eating roast beef every night Since my wife had the kid I'm
- 05:28
Colin Jost
No, no, I'm just playing baby You know I don't go downtown That's gay as hell
- 05:40
Oh
- 05:43
Michael Che
Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness I can't believe you Colin For week of nothing I am Michael Che
- 05:49
Colin Jost
That's all, Jess. Good night.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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