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Weekend Update: Mary Anne Louise Fischer on Holiday Shopping
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Mary Anne Louise Fischer joins Michael Che at the Weekend Update desk with shopping bags and an urgent list of stores to visit. She takes credit for leaving discount-store aisles in disarray, then pulls out a neck brace to make other shoppers give her space. After showing off her bargains, she demonstrates her approach by snatching a blouse from Che. Her next tip involves getting stuck on an escalator and demanding food from the manager. She compares shopping to combat and claims that racial double standards protect her from the consequences of her behavior. When Che asks about her job, she reveals that she makes a living suing the city over uneven sidewalks.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Only you know your neck is strong as hell.
I sue the city.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Michael Che
Well, folks, the holiday season is officially upon us, and here with some tips on how to get your holiday shopping done quickly is the most chaotic holiday shopper ever, Mary Ann Louise Fisher.
- 00:11
Three
- 00:13
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Come on. Come on, Michael.
- 00:15
Michael Che
Hey.
- 00:16
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Hey, hey. Hon, we got about, uh, three minutes to do this. I still got seven stores to hit on this block.
- 00:22
Michael Che
Wow, so you've been pretty busy, huh?
- 00:23
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Oh, yeah, I have, Michael. See, I'm one of 27 children, so I got a lot of shopping to do. And I need to do it fast, and I need to do it crazy. You ever seen the aisles at Ross Dress for Less?
- 00:34
Michael Che
Yeah, that place is a wreck. I mean, most of the merchandise is on the ground.
- 00:38
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Yeah, that's me, Michael. That's all me. Every single Ross, that's me.
- 00:44
Michael Che
So you're single-handedly trashing all the Rosses.
- 00:48
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
You ever tripped over a pair of billabong board shorts stuck to a Winnie the Pooh children's teapot? That was me, Michael.
- 00:55
Michael Che
But why mess everything up?
- 00:57
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Power, Michael. I need to leave my mark. And sometimes, to find that one perfect shirt, you have to unfold 40 and dump them all on the floor
- 01:08
Michael Che
all right well you're here to give us some holiday shopping tips right
- 01:12
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
that's correct tip number one get you one of these did you know anyone could buy a neck brace you don't even have to go to a doctor these things make people stay out of your way they think you're wounded but only you know your neck is strong as hell guess how much all these santa plates were
- 01:33
Michael Che
wait what
- 01:34
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
three dollars
- 01:35
Michael Che
okay all right
- 01:37
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
now guess how much this shirt was
- 01:39
Michael Che
i don't know maybe three dollars
- 01:40
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
okay you want me to show you how i got it
- 01:43
Michael Che
sure
- 01:43
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
okay so hold this
- 01:45
Michael Che
okay
- 01:45
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
and pretend you're a customer looking at it
- 01:47
Michael Che
uh well ain't this a lovely blouse
- 01:49
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
give me that damn shirt that was in my basket
- 01:52
Michael Che
all right well that was interesting okay i i see how that works for you but like do you have any other tips
- 02:01
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
tip number two If your blood sugar drops, JCPenney got nuggets.
- 02:08
Michael Che
What?
- 02:10
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
JCPenney got chicken nuggets. All you got to do is get yourself stuck on that escalator, make a fuss, and the manager will find you some nuggets, OK?
- 02:21
Michael Che
Are you all right?
- 02:22
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
No, Michael.
- 02:23
Michael Che
The hell are you talking about?
- 02:25
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
I know too much. I've seen too much. It's a war zone out there. and I just got done doing three tours in Nordstrom, Iraq.
- 02:34
Michael Che
Nordstrom, Iraq is just a department store. It's not that serious.
- 02:37
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
Okay, you have no idea, Michael. I'm the one out here on these front lines. Now, my third and final tip, and I shouldn't have to say this, but if you can, be black. Because if you're white acting like this, someone will take a video and you will lose your job, okay? You see, Michael, there's no such thing as a black Karen.
- 02:57
Michael Che
Karen,
- 02:57
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
see, I could slap the hell out of you right now and nobody would say a word. My job is safe.
- 03:05
Michael Che
What do you even do for work?
- 03:06
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
I sue the city. The city has a lot of money and a bunch of uneven sidewalks, baby.
- 03:13
Michael Che
Mary Ann Louise Fisher, everybody.
- 03:15
Mary Anne Louise Fischer
I got you some Jessica Simpson juice.
- 03:17
Michael Che
I'm good on that. No, I'm good, I'm good. I'm good, I'm good.
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