Space Thanksgiving

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Cecily Strong

   Will the aliens be joining us for our Thanksgiving feast?

2. 00:02
   

   Captain

   Oh, you mean the clerks?

3. 00:04

   Yeah.

4. 00:04
   

   Captain

   Good. I look forward to sampling some of the produce here on Argos 9.

5. 00:09
   

   Linda

   I love exotic foods.

6. 00:12
   

   Captain

   Oh, look. It's the clerks.

7. 00:16
   

   Captain

   Greetings.

8. 00:17
   

   Ruler Tay

   Greetings, people from Earth. I am Ruler Tay. That's short for Taint.

9. 00:23
   

   Tatricia

   Father, should I offer them the kern?

10. 00:26
    

    Ruler Tay

    Yes, Patricia. Offer them the kern.

11. 00:28
    

    Beck Bennett

    Kern? What is kern?

12. 00:30
    

    Linda

    It looks like our corn, but it's purple.

13. 00:32
    

    Ruler Tay

    Yes, our kern is much like your corn. It has lots of tiny, delicious kernels on it.

14. 00:36
    

    Captain

    Oh, you mean kernels.

15. 00:38
    

    Ruler Tay

    No, your corn has kernels, but our kern has kernels.

16. 00:42
    

    Cecily Strong

    What a small, fascinating universe.

17. 00:45
    

    Ruler Tay

    It is customary for visitors to partake of our kern.

18. 00:48
    

    Tatricia

    It's for good fortune.

19. 00:49
    

    Captain

    I guess this is the famous Klerg hospitality we've heard so much about. I can't wait to enjoy the tasty kernels of kern.

20. 00:59
    

    Kern (sentient alien food creature)

    No! Don't eat me! This hurts me!

21. 01:04
    

    Captain

    Is this kern talking? Is it alive right now?

22. 01:07
    

    Ruler Tay

    No, these are just kern sounds. The sounds kern makes.

23. 01:11
    

    Linda

    It's delicious, y'all.

24. 01:14
    

    Kern (sentient alien food creature)

    Ow, the pain, lady! Please stop eating me!

25. 01:18
    

    Captain

    Linda, stop eating the kern.

26. 01:20
    

    Linda

    Just one more bite.

27. 01:23
    

    Kern (sentient alien food creature)

    This hurts like hell! Stop!

28. 01:26
    

    Captain

    Linda, please. It may be conscious.

29. 01:29
    

    Linda

    Sorry. It reminds me of Earth picnics and eating corn on a cob.

30. 01:33
    

    Ruler Tay

    You mean kern on the curb.

31. 01:36
    

    Captain

    I want to try to communicate with it.

32. 01:38
    

    Ruler Tay

    Why? It has no errs to her.

33. 01:41
    

    Captain

    Please, let me try. Hello? Can you hear me? Are you okay?

34. 01:49
    

    Kern (sentient alien food creature)

    Help us. The clerks are trying to destroy our race. We can't run from them before we don't have the lurgs.

35. 01:56

    Okay? Lurgs!

36. 01:59
    

    Captain

    Excuse us, Tay. I need to speak to my crew. The Kern said it has no lurgs to run from the clerks.

37. 02:06
    

    Beck Bennett

    The Tate told us it's customary to eat the kernels from the Kern.

38. 02:10
    

    Cecily Strong

    But, actually, we're helping the clerks wipe out the kern. What do we do?

39. 02:15
    

    Captain

    Follow my lead. I have a plan. Ruler tag.

40. 02:17
    

    Ruler Tay

    More kern, Captain.

41. 02:18

    Oh, hell, yes. Who cares about some kern? Let's enjoy this Thanksgiving.

42. 02:24
    

    Ruler Tay

    Oh, well, tomorrow, I will show you around the planet.

43. 02:27
    

    Linda

    Captain, this kern is crazy delicious. It's

44. 02:32
    

    Kern (sentient alien food creature)

    Hey, bitch, I said stop. Bitch, I said stop.

45. 02:40

    That's good. They're good? They're good. It's a good kern. It's

46. 02:48
    

    Captain

    Let's all eat!

47. 02:49

    a good kern. It's a good kern. right?