Kavanaugh Hearing Cold Open

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:08
   

   Harris Faulkner

   Hello, I'm Harris Faulkner, and we are halfway through the Kavanaugh hearing. It's special coverage at the Fox News we're calling, Whoa-Oh. Judge Kavanaugh himself is about to appear, so let's go live to the Senate hearing room, where two of the oldest white people I've ever seen are about to run a circus.

2. 00:31
   

   Chuck Grassley

   Order, order. We're calling this meeting back to order, this hearing back to order.

3. 00:37
   

   Dianne Feinstein

   That's right, we're back from lunch. I had soup.

4. 00:40
   

   Chuck Grassley

   And I had soup as well. It was too hot. Now, we just heard some very moving testimony from Dr. Ford. I listened to her, and I kept a very open mind. And that is why I already voted yes for Kavanaugh before she said a word.

5. 00:55
   

   Chuck Grassley

   Now, we've heard from the alleged victim, but now it's time to hear from the hero, Judge Brett Kavanaugh, who I'm told has been shadowboxing in the men's room for the last 45 minutes. Judge Kavanaugh. Judge Kavanaugh, Judge Kavanaugh, are you ready to be the hero? We begin?

6. 01:33
   

   Brett Kavanaugh

   Oh, hell yeah. Let me tell you this. I'm going to start at an 11. I'm going to take it to about a 15 real quick.

7. 01:45
   

   Brett Kavanaugh

   First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one. Not my family, not my friends, not even PJ or Tobin or Squee. This is my speech. There are others like it, but this is mine. I wrote it myself last night while screaming into an empty bag of Doritos.

8. 02:12
   

   Brett Kavanaugh

   I'm here tonight because of a sham. A political con job orchestrated by the Clintons, George Soros, Kathy Griffin, and Mr. Ronan Sinatra. Now, I am usually an optimist. I'm a keg-is-half-full kind of guy, but But what I've seen from the monsters on this committee makes me want to puke and not from beer.

9. 02:47
   

   Brett Kavanaugh

   Dr. Ford has no evidence, none. Meanwhile, I've got these.

10. 02:56
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    I've got these calendars. These beautiful, creepy calendars. about lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Donkey-Dong-Doug. But you don't care about Squee or Donkey-Dong-Doug, do you? You just want to humiliate me in front of my wife and my parents and Alyssa friggin' Milano?

11. 03:25
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Well, guess what? I'm not backing down, you sons of bitches. I don't know the meaning of the word stop. to quote my hero, Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino.

12. 03:45
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Get the hell off my lawn. Now let's do this.

13. 03:52
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Okay, well, I'm hard as hell. Senator Feinstein, you want to fight this monkey first?

14. 04:00
    

    Dianne Feinstein

    Judge Kavanaugh, are you saying that all the claims of Dr. Ford, Mrs. Ramirez, and Mrs. Swetnick are false, then if you have nothing to hide, would you agree to an independent FBI investigation into the allegations?

15. 04:20
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Asked and answered. I wanted a hearing the next day. The next day.

16. 04:24
    

    Dianne Feinstein

    Okay, that in no way answers my question. Would you agree to an FBI investigation?

17. 04:32
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    You want a real investigation? Then just look at my calendar.

18. 04:38
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    And you're going to see that every night I was lifting weights with P.J. and Squee and Hansy Hank, Gang Bang Greg, which, you know, the liberal media is going to find some way to spin.

19. 04:55
    

    Dianne Feinstein

    Okay, can we vote now?

20. 04:57
    

    Chuck Grassley

    No, no, Senator Hatch,

21. 04:59
    

    Orrin Hatch

    I just want to point out the Democrats in this committee have acted like cowards. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to hide behind the female prosecutor who we hire as a human shield.

22. 05:12
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay. So, hi. I've got about 4,000 loose papers on this weird little baby desk they set for me here, okay? Now, okay, first of all, hello. My name is Rachel Mitchell. I'm here mostly for Twitter.

23. 05:36
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    And although everyone will constantly be referring to me as female prosecutor, you can really just call me straight-up prosecutor, okay? Now, before we begin...

24. 05:48
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Okay, your time is up.

25. 05:49
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay, wow, already regretting this.

26. 05:52
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Thank you. Senator Klobuchar.

27. 05:54
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    Okay, okay, here we go, here we go.

28. 05:57
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    Now, Mr. Now, now, Judge Kavanaugh, would you say in high school that you were a frequent drinker?

29. 06:10
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Look. Look, I like beer, okay? I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!

30. 06:24
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    Okay, so I asked if you drank in high school, and you said, I like beer, ten times. That leads me to the next question. Did you ever drink too many beers?

31. 06:36
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    You mean, was I cool? Yeah.

32. 06:41
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    All right. All right, then, tell me this, Judge. Did you ever drink so much that you blacked out?

33. 06:48
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    I don't know. Did you? Huh? Huh? Huh? Did you ever black out?

34. 06:56
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    Excuse me?

35. 06:58
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean that. I just think I blacked out for a second.

36. 07:04
    

    Amy Klobuchar

    I accept your apology, Judge. And can I just ask, uh, is... Is Alyssa Milano behind me? She is so good at finding her lens.

37. 07:15
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Order! Order! Senator Tillis.

38. 07:19
    

    Thom Tillis

    Uh, thank you. I would also like to yield my time to the female assistant. Uh, or, sorry, do you prefer stewardess?

39. 07:29
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay, I cannot believe I flew here on Southwest for this. Um, okay, now, Judge Kavanaugh, Do you have the definition of sexual behavior in front of you?

40. 07:40
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Yeah.

41. 07:41
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay, could you please read it to yourself, and while you do, could you look at the piece of paper like you hate it, and could you also squint and make your mouth into the tiniest little mouth we've ever seen?

42. 08:01
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Okay, I read it.

43. 08:02
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay, now, having read it...

44. 08:04
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Time!

45. 08:05
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Oh, okay, very cool.

46. 08:07
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Senator Booker, are you ready to speak?

47. 08:09
    

    Cory Booker

    I will not dignify this hearing with words. I will just show you one expression I call the Booker look.

48. 08:21
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Okay, thank you, Senator Booker. Senator Kennedy from Louisiana.

49. 08:26
    

    John Kennedy

    Judge Kavanaugh, I only have one question for you. I want you to look me in the eye, in front of God, and I want you to answer honestly.

50. 08:34
    

    John Kennedy

    That beer you like to drink, are we talking foreign or domestic?

51. 08:40
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    I drink American beer.

52. 08:42
    

    John Kennedy

    You ain't drinking Heineken on us!

53. 08:44
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    I drink American beer!

54. 08:45
    

    John Kennedy

    No further questions! Miss This guy checks out! I yield the rest of my time to Frizzle.

55. 08:51
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Oh. Okay. Now, I got to make this quick so we can...

56. 08:56
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Done!

57. 08:56
    

    Rachel Mitchell

    Okay. Damn it. Damn it.

58. 08:58
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Senator Whitehouse.

59. 09:00
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    Yeah, I'd just like to ask Judge Kavanaugh about his yearbook.

60. 09:04
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Oh, yearbook. Oh, we're gonna... We're talking about a yearbook? Right now?

61. 09:07
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    Uh, Judge Kavanaugh, what is boofing?

62. 09:10
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    It was flatulence. I was 16.

63. 09:12
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    could you use boof in a sentence

64. 09:14
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    sure I passed out from drinking but then I boofed so loud I woke myself up

65. 09:20
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    what about devil's triangle

66. 09:23
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    it's a drinking game

67. 09:26
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    okay Eskimo brothers

68. 09:27
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    drinking game

69. 09:29
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    Eiffel Tower with Dougie one nut

70. 09:31
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    that was a possible trip to France it didn't pan out

71. 09:35
    

    Sheldon Whitehouse

    my step just googled all these terms and they're clearly referring to sex

72. 09:40
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    well that's impossible because I didn't and have sex for many, many, many years. Many years. All I did was drink a lot and not think about having sex at all. I was the proudest, drunkest virgin you've ever seen. And everyone can relate to that.

73. 10:01
    

    Chuck Grassley

    -"All right, now,

74. 10:01
    

    Lindsey Graham

    I'll jump."

75. 10:03
    

    Chuck Grassley

    Lindsey Graham.

76. 10:04
    

    Lindsey Graham

    -"I'll jump, that's right. I'm Thank you very much. gonna yell and shake my finger and get rid of the tomato for 15 minutes. And I know I'm supposed to shut up because I'm a single white male, 5'10", uncut. But I will not shut up because this is a bunch of C-R-A-P crap.

77. 10:31
    

    Lindsey Graham

    This ain't no trial. This ain't no due process. Do you know what this is, Judge Kavanaugh? Do you know what this is?

78. 10:41
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Is this a real question?

79. 10:43
    

    Lindsey Graham

    This is hell. That's what it is. It's hell. Is This this hell to you, Judge Kavanaugh?

80. 10:55
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Well, it's pretty bad.

81. 10:56
    

    Lindsey Graham

    It is hell. And for what? You don't just be Bill Cosby, and then suddenly you're not Bill Cosby anymore.

82. 11:05
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Okay, well, you don't have to compare me to Bill Cosby.

83. 11:08
    

    Lindsey Graham

    No, no, no. You are him. You are him. Imagine this man in handcuffs like Bill Cosby.

84. 11:13
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Just please stop saying Bill Cosby.

85. 11:15
    

    Lindsey Graham

    You put this man on the Supreme Court now, no vote, no discussion. You give him a damn robe and you let him do whatever the hell he wants. Because this right now, this is my audition for Mr. Trump's cabinet and also for a regional production of The Crucible. And let me tell you, Queen, I was good.

86. 11:39
    

    Chuck Grassley

    All right. All right. All right, I think we've heard more than enough. Ranking member Feinstein, would you like to say something in closing?

87. 11:50
    

    Dianne Feinstein

    I just have one final question for Judge Kavanaugh. After all of this, do you really think you have the right demeanor and temperament to be a Supreme Court justice?

88. 12:02
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    I went to Yale! worked Worked my butt off to get here. I busted my buns! I lifted weights!

89. 12:15
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    Every day, with Tobin, and BJ, and Squee, and Donkey-Dong-Doug. And, yeah, we had a couple thousand beers along the way, especially my good friend Mark Judge, who can't remember huge chunks of his life, but is somehow my key witness. So, am I angry? You're damn right. But if you think I'm angry now, you just wait till I get on that Supreme Court, I'm short, because then you're all going to pay. Give me a can of water.

90. 12:50
    

    Brett Kavanaugh

    And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live!