Close Encounter

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Agent Morris

   I'm Agent Morris with the NSA, and this is Special Agent Kirkpatrick. Now, we know you've all been through quite an ordeal, so we appreciate you making the trip to Washington on such short notice.

2. 00:11
   

   Special Agent Kirkpatrick

   Yes, you three experienced the first verified case of alien abduction, so, naturally, you are of great interest to the United States government.

3. 00:18
   

   Todd

   It's nuts, man. I mean... We're just small-town buds who saw a UFO in the woods, and, like, now we're hanging out with the government.

4. 00:27
   

   Agent Morris

   Okay. Now, after the blue light into the spacecraft, what is your next memory?

5. 00:31
   

   Sharon

   Uh, I came to and saw a beautiful being made of, like, a beautiful, calming light.

6. 00:37
   

   Todd

   Yeah, same here. That being touched my head, and I felt every emotion in its purest form. It was amazing, and I cried, sir.

7. 00:46
   

   Special Agent Kirkpatrick

   Okay, and you, Ms. Rafferty?

8. 00:48
   

   Colleen Rafferty

   Wow. What floor were you guys on? I woke up in a dirty metal dome, and, uh, 40 little gray aliens watched me pee in a steel bowl. And they took the bowl, walked out.

9. 01:03
   

   Agent Morris

   Interesting. Were these beings also bathed in light?

10. 01:06
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    Uh, no, no. They were, uh, gray with big, fat eyes, little mouths. They just, uh, stared while I peed. I don't think I was dealing with the top brass.

11. 01:18
    

    Special Agent Kirkpatrick

    And how did they instruct you to urinate? Was that telepathically?

12. 01:23
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    Uh, no, no. I, uh, I woke up, I had to pee like a camel. So, uh, I started peeing and one of the gray aliens slapped the wall and pointed at the bowl. So I got the hint. I kind of ducked, walked over the bowl, peed in it.

13. 01:39
    

    Special Agent Kirkpatrick

    Yes, I-I see. Now, when you all awoke, were you clothed?

14. 01:44
    

    Sharon

    Um, I was wrapped in, like, a robe made out of warm, glowing energy.

15. 01:50
    

    Todd

    Yeah, like a blanket made out of pure love.

16. 01:55
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    Yeah, a little different for me. Um, I, uh, I had my shirt I came in with, but my pants were gone. So, uh, my coot-coot was out. It was full of porky pig in it and a drafty dome.

17. 02:10
    

    Agent Morris

    Now, did you all stay on the same ship the entire time, or...?

18. 02:15
    

    Todd

    Well, you know, my body did, but my consciousness was shown what lies beyond time and space. It was so beautiful. I'm sorry. I'm just crying about it. Just think about it a little bit.

19. 02:28
    

    Sharon

    Do you need a tissue?

20. 02:30
    

    Todd

    What? No, I'm sorry. I just... I'll use my shirt.

21. 02:32
    

    Sharon

    Um, the aliens showed my mind the furnace of all creation, what we would call God.

22. 02:39
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    What? These fancy cats are seeing God. Meanwhile, I'm starting phase two, which is me sitting on a stool while 40 gray aliens take turns gently batting my knockers in. Did y'all get the knocker stuff?

23. 02:59
    

    Todd

    Uh, no. No knocker stuff. Sorry.

24. 03:03
    

    Agent Morris

    And did you feel threatened, Ms. Rafferty?

25. 03:06
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    No. No, no, no, no, no. They were, uh, they were real respectful about it. They were... they were in a line. And then, uh, one by one, they'd step up, slap a knocker, and then go to end the line, wait for another turn. It didn't hurt. It was like... I'm sorry. Pardon me, Sharon. and it's kind of like that. No harm, no foul.

26. 03:29
    

    Sharon

    That hurts. Look, that hurts.

27. 03:32
    

    Special Agent Kirkpatrick

    Perhaps they were collecting biological data?

28. 03:35
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    No. No, that felt super off the books. I swear to God, there was one gray alien by a door just kind of peeking in. I think he was the lookout. Look, it wasn't my worst Wednesday night.

29. 03:58
    

    Agent Morris

    And how did the aliens return you all to Earth?

30. 04:01
    

    Sharon

    Oh, I was carried down gently. He's crying. I was carried down gently in a cradle of light placed into a soft bed of wallflowers.

31. 04:16
    

    Todd

    Yeah, yeah. The light laid me down like a baby in a meadow near my house. I was smiling and weeping, tears of joy, sir.

32. 04:25
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    All right, well, now, this missed me a little bit. Because my grand exit was out of what was basically like a big airplane toilet, okay? I, uh...shoot. I dropped down seven feet onto the roof of a Long John Silver's. They threw out my pants separately. They missed the roof. My slacks landed in a frickin' pine tree 30 feet away, so I had to just chill up there with my damn coot-coot and prune shoe hammer till the place opened up.

33. 04:59
    

    Todd

    And you got screwed.

34. 05:10
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    Oh, you think, Todd?

35. 05:12
    

    Agent Morris

    Well, we'd like to take you guys for physical examinations now.

36. 05:15
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    Yeah, all right. There gonna be any knocker stuff?

37. 05:19
    

    Special Agent Kirkpatrick

    Possibly. I'm sorry.

38. 05:20
    

    Colleen Rafferty

    No, no, don't be. Just be gentle, because they're pretty banged up. Tell me about God. What's God's deal?

39. 05:32

    Speaker 1

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