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The Ladies Man: Thanksgiving
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Sporting a Pilgrim hat that he insists a smooth settler of the 1840s would have worn, Leon Phelps opens a special Thanksgiving edition of The Ladies' Man and starts taking calls. A young man nervous about meeting his girlfriend's parents is quizzed about pregnancy and disease, then urged to enjoy the free meal and make a pass at her mother. A lonely woman who admits to dark thoughts over the holidays is invited, once she confirms her weight, to Leon's annual Thanksgiving dinner for lonely ladies, with a turkey-like loaf and luggage full of beer on the menu. A caller whose family always fights gets a heartfelt speech about togetherness until Leon drifts into a memory of shooting his brother at a past Thanksgiving dinner, loses his thread and answers with unrelated sex advice. He tells a husband who cannot perform at his parents' house that his anatomy has stage fright, then closes behind a cornucopia by giving thanks for his blessings, including a jackknifed truck of Courvoisier outside his house, and rolls an alphabetical list of this year's conquests as the credits.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
This is exactly how a smooth-operating Pilgrim might dress way back then in the 1840s.
You sound like a fine, upstanding, disease-free young man.
Ladies, you know who you are. And if you don't, here's an alphabetical list of your names.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Leon Phelps's ninth appearance according to SNL Archives. The callers are heard only as off-screen voices, which SNL Archives credits to Will Ferrell, Colin Quinn, Molly Shannon and Chris Parnell; it also notes that a flubbed Pocahontas joke in Meadows's opening was corrected for reruns.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Oh, yeah, it's time for the ladies man
- 00:08
Leon Phelps
What's happening good evening everybody and welcome to the ladies man The love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries I'm Leon Phelps. How y'all doing tonight? Yeah That's good, I am doing all right you see I got my cabotier right here And, of course, I got my Pilgrim's hat right here. That's right. Because tonight's show is my very special Thanksgiving show. And this is exactly how a smooth-operating Pilgrim might dress way back then in the 1840s, you know. That is, if he wanted to poke some hauntus. if you know If you know what I'm saying, and I think you do. So, now, let's get into the holiday spirit and take some calls, all right? So, go ahead, Carla. You got the ladies, man.
- 01:05
Speaker 1
Hello, ladies, man. I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty nervous.
- 01:11
Leon Phelps
Well, yeah, I understand. You want to get it on with her mother?
- 01:16
Speaker 1
No. No, it's just I've never met them before, and it's a little scary.
- 01:21
Leon Phelps
Oh, okay, I see. Now, how many months pregnant is your girlfriend?
- 01:25
Speaker 1 ?
She's not pregnant.
- 01:26
Leon Phelps
Well, then have you given her some sort of venereal disease?
- 01:30
Speaker 1 ?
No!
- 01:32
Leon Phelps
Well, then why are you so nervous? You sound like a fine, upstanding, disease-free young man. Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay? Cheers and good luck, next caller.
- 01:48
Speaker 2
Hi, ladies' man.
- 01:49
Leon Phelps
Ooh, it's a lady.
- 01:53
Speaker 2
Ladies' man, I get so lonely around the holidays. I sometimes think about taking my own life.
- 02:00
Leon Phelps ?
Well, that's good.
- 02:02
Speaker 2 ?
Oh, no. I'm lonely and miserable.
- 02:06
Leon Phelps
Oh, well, that is not good. Um, but I think that I can help. Let me ask you a question. Um, do you weigh in excess of 250 pounds?
- 02:15
Speaker 2 ?
No.
- 02:17
Leon Phelps
Well, that is wonderful, because you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under 250 pounds. I like to call it Leon Phelps Thanksgiving Day dinner. And I hope that you will come, because there will be a delicious turkey-like loaf, suitcases full of fine beer, and many skanks such as yourself in attendance, okay? Next caller.
- 02:47
Speaker 3
-"Hey, ladies' man. I don't even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. All my family does is fight."
- 02:54
Leon Phelps
-"Oh, now, well, don't say that. You know, Thanksgiving is a time to put aside all your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each other's company. Because, basically, even though you have grown apart, you're still a family. The family is so important because...
- 03:14
Speaker 3
Ladies' Man, are you all right?
- 03:17
Leon Phelps
Yeah, I'm all right. It's just that, you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past, and it was not good. You see, I shot my brother doing Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool, so I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die, but he now has just one arm, okay? So, anyway, to make a long story short and to answer your question, I think you should try doing it in the butt.
- 03:49
Speaker 3 ?
What?
- 03:49
Leon Phelps
I'm I'm sorry. I forgot what we were talking about. I have no idea. But I'm sure that that answer will suffice. I better take another call.
- 04:04
Speaker 4
Uh, is this the ladies' man?
- 04:06
Leon Phelps
Yeah, you got Leon Phelps, the ladies' man.
- 04:08
Speaker 4
Ladies' man, when my wife and I stay at my parents' house for the holidays, I find I can't perform sexually. Is there something wrong with me?
- 04:16
Leon Phelps
Yeah, there is something wrong with you. I mean, I myself have made love many times right in front of my parents, you know? I mean, I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, you know? Now, I am no doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a penereal disease. And what we call in the medical profession, it's called a scaredy wang. Yeah, your wang gets scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang. Now, I'm not naming any names if you know what I mean. Yeah. Okay, well, I hope that my comments here have been helpful to you. That's all the time that we have on the latest, man. But before I go, I would like to give thanks for the things that I have been blessed with the most. Number one, a superior performing wang. The Cavazier truck that jackknifed in front of my house. That was good. And, of course, the irrepressible human ass. Yeah. And as always, the ladies that I have made sweet love to this year. Ladies, you know who you are. And if you don't, here's an alphabetical list of your names. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. I will see you next time on the ladies man.
- 05:39
Leon Phelps ?
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I know I remember that one. Oh, baby. I gotta give her a call
- 05:44
Oh, yeah, baby. Get the dude right in there.
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One more couldn’t hurt.
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