Vincent Price's Halloween Special

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:02

   Speaker 1

   You're watching TV Land at 11 on a Friday night Think about it And now, Colgate presents Vincent Price's Halloween Special Now, please welcome your host Spawn of Moloch Vincent Price

2. 00:23
   

   Vincent Price

   All hallows eve When the minions of Samhain come back up. Guys, I'm not fully up yet. You got to keep pressing the thing. To wreak havoc on the living. And guys, wrong way. Wrong way. Up, up, up, up. Guys.

3. 00:40
   

   Vincent Price

   Guys, what's going on? Broken? Seriously? Fine. Hold on a second. All right. Well, thank you all for... Guys, I'm out. Stop it. Yes, thank you and welcome to my Halloween special.

4. 00:58
   

   Vincent Price

   Tonight, prepare yourself for a night of spooks and scares as we have invited over some of our most famous friends for some tricks and also some treats.

5. 01:09
   

   Vincent Price

   They've all agreed to wear costumes, so see if you could recognize them. Let's see who's at the door. I hope it's not a pirate and a spooky spaceman.

6. 01:21
   

   Vincent Price

   From the film Sunset Boulevard, Miss Gloria Swanson. I'm from Lolita, Mr. James Mason.

7. 01:29
   

   Gloria Swanson

   I'm a pirate. I'm a pirate.

8. 01:34
   

   Vincent Price

   I don't really see a lot of effort as far as dressing like a pirate goes. I thought we agreed you would wear a costume.

9. 01:41
   

   Gloria Swanson

   I'm a pirate, can't you tell? It's about the acting. I'm an actress. That's what I do, and when I say I'm a pirate, I'm a pirate. Ah.

10. 01:52
    

    James Mason

    She's a pirate, Price. My Jolly Roger was at full mass the whole drive over.

11. 02:02
    

    Vincent Price

    Ah. Okay. Very nice. No spaceman costume, James?

12. 02:07
    

    James Mason

    No. Didn't even open the box. Too old-fashioned.

13. 02:11
    

    Vincent Price

    The suit was too old-fashioned?

14. 02:13
    

    James Mason

    No, I had two old-fashions and I couldn't open the box. I've been drunk since 11 a.m., Price.

15. 02:19
    

    Vincent Price

    Please, James. Family show.

16. 02:22
    

    James Mason

    Understood. Say, where are the whores?

17. 02:24
    

    Vincent Price

    Cheesy-creasy, James. James? Gloria, what's going on over there?

18. 02:32
    

    Gloria Swanson

    Get off my pirate ship or the girl dies. See,

19. 02:37
    

    James Mason

    Vincent, do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable? I pissed myself on the way over here. Pretty numb down there, so I only know it when it hits my ankles. Gloria, another drink?

20. 02:50
    

    Vincent Price

    No more drinks. No more drinks. Please. Now I'd like to introduce our most horrifying song Smith. Ladies and gentlemen, the ghost of Liberace!

21. 03:11
    

    Liberace

    Thank you. Well, before I start my song, I want to show you all something. This is a trick-or-treat bag that was given to me by the president of Argentina. And as you can see, it's covered in sapphires and topaz.

22. 03:26
    

    Vincent Price

    Where's the ghost costume, Liberace?

23. 03:29
    

    Liberace

    Ghost? I thought we agreed on restoration France by way of Atlantic City.

24. 03:33
    

    Vincent Price

    Save your sassy your sides for your windowless bars now prepare your ears for a truly horrifying performance i shall recite edgar allen pose the raven while liberace provides haunting accompaniment once upon a midnight dreary while i pondered weak and weary over a many quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore haunting Liberace haunting while I nodded nearly guys this music working for you because it is not working for me

25. 04:15
    

    Liberace

    I have some issues with the lyrics

26. 04:18
    

    James Mason

    yes same here Vincent that's a real downer Gloria and I could use something a bit more upbeat do you know this one there There once was a girl named Regina.

27. 04:31
    

    Vincent Price

    Stop! Family show!

28. 04:33
    

    James Mason

    You don't even know where it's going!

29. 04:35
    

    Vincent Price

    All the same.

30. 04:39
    

    James Mason

    Vagina.

31. 04:40
    

    Vincent Price

    Wonderful. Let's move on to our pumpkin carving contest. Ready, Gloria? And she's eaten a pumpkin. Ah. That's great. Just great. Didn't want to throw the brakes on that, James.

32. 05:00
    

    James Mason

    Yeah, well, what can I say, Vincent? Vincent, I've never seen anyone put something that big down so fast.

33. 05:05
    

    Liberace

    I have.

34. 05:06
    

    Vincent Price

    Cool it, Liberace! Local children. Children. I'm reminding all of you. Children.

35. 05:18
    

    Vincent Price

    Especially... all of you. All right. Let's answer the door. Oh, what are you supposed to be, young lady?

36. 05:31
    

    Trick-or-treater

    I'm a princess.

37. 05:32
    

    Vincent Price

    Oh, how adorable. And you, young man.

38. 05:35
    

    James Mason

    Man, I imagine you're dressed as some brand of homosexual.

39. 05:38
    

    Liberace

    That makes two of us.

40. 05:43
    

    James Mason

    Tell her to bring a lady friend for my friend Liberace over here.

41. 05:47
    

    Liberace

    Oh, I'm good.

42. 05:49
    

    Vincent Price

    Kids, no, don't go. Thanks, James. Now I'm going to wake up in the morning with a house covered in toilet tissue.

43. 06:01
    

    Vincent Price

    Let's wrap it up. You have just partaken in a celebration most fouled We're phantasms and wraiths, you want a clear frame there? Just want to wander the earthly plane in search of vengeance upon the living and... Guys, I thought we had this thing fixed. Oh, great. Oh, great. Well, have a happy Halloween, everybody. That's all.

44. 06:27

    Speaker 1

    This has been Vincent Price's Halloween Special. Thanks for watching.