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Daily Affirmation: Stuart Smalley's Halloween Story
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Stuart Smalley opens his Halloween edition of Daily Affirmation by making amends for criticizing Madonna on the previous day's show, then explains that his skeleton costume is a gift to his own inner child and a reminder that he is only human. Worried about feeding children's sugar habits, he plans to hand out rice cakes instead of candy, recalling the childhood binges that left him heavy. He then has viewers close their eyes for a classic babysitter tale of eerie phone calls in a big, troubled house, building to the familiar reveal that the calls are coming from inside, which turns out to be an all-too-ordinary family problem. Stuart recounts the intervention, recovery groups and family therapy that followed, delighted to have told a frightening story that ends in healing, and signs off by congratulating himself on his show.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
And I guess a thumb pointing up at God.
It's your father and he's been drinking.
I'm good enough, I'm scary enough, and doggone it, people like me.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Stuart Smalley
I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am an attractive person. I am fun to be with.
- 00:13
Speaker 1
Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.
- 00:27
Stuart Smalley
I'm going to do a terrific show today, And I'm going to help people because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.
- 00:39
Stuart Smalley
Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley. Before I start the Halloween show, I just want to make amends for yesterday's show in which I said that Madonna was shame-based and sick in her own disease. I, I had no right to take Madonna's inventory.
- 00:58
Stuart Smalley
As we say in program, when you point a finger at someone else, you have three fingers pointing back at you.
- 01:07
Stuart Smalley
And, and I guess a thumb pointing up at God or something, whatever, I don't know, I'm sorry, okay.
- 01:15
Stuart Smalley
Anyway, today is Halloween and I decided to wear a costume as a treat to my inner child.
- 01:24
Stuart Smalley
It's, it's a skeleton because it's scary and because it reminds me that I am a human being and that's okay, that's what I am. And besides, I think it makes me look thinner.
- 01:40
Stuart Smalley
Now I had thought of trying to come up with something, you know, a little more creative or original, you know, like dressing up as a feeling, you know.
- 01:52
Stuart Smalley
But yeah, what does dread look like? You know, other than my mother.
- 01:59
Stuart Smalley
Anyway, of course, I'm going to be home tonight when all the little ghosts and goblins knock on my door and trick or treat. And I've decided not to give out candy this year. I don't want to enable any little sugar, any sugar addicts, which believe me, I was. I mean, I used to go home with my big bag of candy and eat it all in one night and get sick and try to puke.
- 02:23
Stuart Smalley
But I couldn't, and that's why I weighed nearly 300 pounds. Believe me, binging was not a problem. Purging, I just could not do.
- 02:34
Stuart Smalley
So, instead of candy this year, I've decided to give out rice cakes.
- 02:40
Stuart Smalley
A few kids might be disappointed, but that's okay. It's their problem.
- 02:46
Stuart Smalley
Anyway, tonight I've decided to do something a little different. Take a risk. tonight I'm going to tell a scary story you're going to be frightened but that's okay it's Halloween it's appropriate okay now close your eyes come on only you can help you okay
- 03:09
Stuart Smalley
it's a dark dark night and this 12 year old girl is home babysitting for a little brother and sister who are asleep upstairs and she's she's really scared because it's it's a big house and because it's a dysfunctional family and it's just just scaring this place to begin with and suddenly the phone rings she picks it up and the voice on the other end says i just bought a house and i said And the girl says, what?
- 03:44
Stuart Smalley
And the boy says, I, you better, I'm not scared. So she hangs up the phone.
- 03:51
Stuart Smalley
Now she's really scared, so she runs upstairs and checks on the kids, and they're fine. So she goes back downstairs, but she's still really scared, so she eats some Sara Lee or something.
- 04:03
Stuart Smalley
And then the phone rings again. She picks it up, and the boy says, I, I'm gonna end, I'll hang.
- 04:13
Stuart Smalley
Well, now she's really scared, and she calls up the operator, and she says, I'm getting all these weird calls, and it's scary, and the operator says, hang up, and we'll stay on the line and see if we can trace it. So the girl hangs up the phone, and right away the phone rings. She picks it up, and the voice says, I, uh, and, uh, and just then, the operator jumps on the line, she says, the call's coming from inside the house.
- 04:42
Stuart Smalley
It's your father, and he's been drinking!"
- 04:48
Stuart Smalley
Isn't that scary? But don't worry. It's okay. The operator reported the incident to the Department of Youth and Family Services. They did an intervention. The father is in AA. The girl's in allotine, and the whole family is in therapy.
- 05:06
Stuart Smalley
Isn't that... Isn't that a great Halloween story? It's scary, but with a positive ending.
- 05:15
Stuart Smalley
You know what? I think... I think this has been one of my best shows ever. And you know what? I deserve it. Because I'm good enough, I'm scary enough, and doggone it, people like me.
- 05:34
Speaker 1
This has been today's Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smythe.
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