Honey, I'm In Therapy

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:03
   

   Patient

   She said I wasn't ready to be in a relationship that was living in the past. I was an emotional child

2. 00:11
   

   Therapist

   Do you think you're living in the past?

3. 00:15
   

   Patient

   No

4. 00:17
   

   Therapist

   Do you think that there's some event from your childhood that she's referring to

5. 00:21
   

   Patient

   I Don't know

6. 00:22
   

   Therapist

   tell me about your father.

7. 00:29
   

   Patient ?

   Whoo He was a complicated man.

8. 00:33
   

   Therapist

   How so

9. 00:34
   

   Patient

   he was a scientist Totally obsessed with work. Always doing experiments in the attic. Rarely had time for me and my sister. I remember one time, he was obsessed with miniaturization and made this laser that accidentally shrunk me and my sister. We were lost in the backyard for days.

10. 00:59
    

    Therapist

    That must have been a very confusing time for you.

11. 01:02
    

    Patient

    It was. We were almost eaten by a scorpion and 30 times bigger than us. He killed our aunt.

12. 01:11
    

    Therapist

    Were you and your aunt close?

13. 01:15
    

    Patient

    Yeah, I mean, we used to ride its thorax and pet its feelers. We ate out of an Oreo together.

14. 01:24
    

    Therapist

    Let's get back to your father.

15. 01:28
    

    Patient

    Well, years later, he blew up my baby brother with a growth ray. He grew to be 150 times the size of a man that went on a rampage in Vegas.

16. 01:38
    

    Therapist

    Wait, wait, your father or your brother?

17. 01:41
    

    Patient

    My brother.

18. 01:43
    

    Therapist

    I see.

19. 01:43
    

    Patient

    I'm sure you probably saw it on the news. The giant baby that destroyed Vegas.

20. 01:48
    

    Therapist

    Yes, I vaguely remember hearing something about that, yes. It sounds to me like your father's experiments took quite a toll on your family.

21. 01:56
    

    Patient

    Then there was the drinking. He used to beat us, yell at us, say that we were the reasons that his inventions failed. and when we would cry, he would blow up our heads bigger than beach balls so he couldn't fit through doors. He'd be stuck in the basement, and then he would pour bleach in our eyes.

22. 02:18
    

    Therapist

    That must have been very difficult.

23. 02:21
    

    Patient

    Sometimes when he was drunk, he would blow up his penis bigger than a sleeping bag and chase our mother around the house with it. It was awful.

24. 02:31
    

    Therapist

    Where's your father now?

25. 02:33
    

    Patient

    Well, after years and years of this, my mother finally snapped. One night when he was being particularly bad, she used the laser against him, turning him smaller than a germ. Suppose he's dead now. But some nights, I wake up thinking, maybe he's inside me. Maybe he's turning my body against me, cell by cell. A cancer virus, a virus that is my own. Ah! No!

26. 03:08
    

    Therapist ?

    Jesus!

27. 03:09
    

    Patient ?

    I'd you, .

28. 03:11
    

    Therapist

    Don't do that.

29. 03:12
    

    Patient

    I can't believe you fell for that. Haven't you even seen those movies?

30. 03:15
    

    Therapist

    What movies?

31. 03:16
    

    Patient

    You know, Honey, I Blew Up Those Little Kids or something. I don't know. You're an idiot.

32. 03:22
    

    Therapist

    You owe me $300.

33. 03:24
    

    Patient

    You believe me, you dumb .