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Trump’s Gas Prices
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
We love to make promises because a promise is just a lie that hasn't happened yet.
Just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint: close your eyes and gun it.
The premise
Here’s the bit.
While a family of four fills up on the way to grandma's, a grim President Trump wanders onto the forecourt to explain, with plenty of digressions, why gas costs so much. He jokes about broken promises, the stock market, the war with Iran and members of the cast before Pete Hegseth arrives to declare victory and offer some dubious driving advice. The cold open ends with the usual live-from-New-York cue.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Cold open of the March 14, 2026 episode, which Harry Styles hosted and also performed as musical guest.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Father
Okay Okay, gang, anyone has to use the bathroom, do it now. We've got another two hours before we get to grandma's. I'm just gonna fill up the tank.
- 00:17
Mother
Fill up? Not all the way though, right?
- 00:22
Father
We have to.
- 00:24
Daughter
But it's $5 a gallon.
- 00:26
Father
I said, we have to. Kids, we're going to have to leave one of you behind.
- 00:33
Son
That's Why?
- 00:37
Mother
Gas crisis, darling. darling.
- 00:40
Son
Dad, why does gas cost so much?
- 00:44
Donald Trump
The Epstein fire. Kidding, but possibly not. It's called butterfly effect, right? Epstein was first domino. Epstein, bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing, bong, bong, bong. War.
- 01:00
Donald Trump
Anyway, hi, it's me, Donald Trump. You might remember me from such campaign promises as lower gas prices and and no more wars. Psyche. We love to make promises because a promise is just a lie that hasn't happened yet.
- 01:18
Donald Trump
But now it has and gas costs like a million, billion dollars a gallon. And as for the stock market, let me put it in a way that the Harry Styles fans in the crowd tonight will understand.
- 01:31
Donald Trump
You guys are gonna love this one. The stock market is going in one direction. Down, down, I said. You don't know you're broke as hell.
- 01:44
Donald Trump
sorry I'm not familiar with his newer music I am straight anyway what were we talking about oh yes gas prices which are very high because of war with Iran which is where they make gas I wish someone had told me that but we will win this war because Iran is old and nobody likes them Iran is like ballet and opera and weird Timmy Chalamet kicking them while they're down to me which is is, frankly, best time to kick.
- 02:16
Donald Trump
Look at the cash back there. Frozen in one of these. Look at Marcelo. He's still playing, kids.
- 02:24
Donald Trump
That's a little chihuahua. That sounds racist, but it is. I'm a racist guy. I say racist stuff. And how about Ashley Padilla? Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her, folks. That's the whitest white man. whole world.
- 02:41
Donald Trump
Haircut! Haircut! We love haircut! Point is, I have everything under control, okay? I've been meeting with the nation's top minds. Jake Paul, he was booed very badly at the Mike Dyson fight. We hate to hear boos.
- 03:00
Pete Hegseth
Did someone say boos? Hey, so I had a couple road sodas. Chill.
- 03:15
Donald Trump
Pete Hankseth, as I live and struggle to breathe.
- 03:19
Pete Hegseth
It's great to see you, Mr. President. and before I begin, I just want to thank you sincerely for these beautiful size 16 Florsheim shoes. They fit me like a glove.
- 03:31
Donald Trump
Happy to do it. Like a clown's glove.
- 03:35
Pete Hegseth
If you're wondering why I was in the back seat of this random family's car, I'll tell you the same thing I say when people ask about our plans for Iran. I don't know.
- 03:44
Donald Trump
Isn't that wonderful? Well, I'm going to wander around.
- 03:50
Pete Hegseth
Great Great. Thank you for everything, sir. President called me here today to give you news on the war, okay, so listen up.
- 04:00
Pete Hegseth
The news is we won. Hashtag winning. So you can stop asking me all about it, okay? Don't even worry about it. Forget about it.
- 04:13
Pete Hegseth
The real problem is all you gaybies, gay babies, copyright, all you gaybies in the media are are completely unpatriotic, okay? They're using what I do and say to make me look like a fool.
- 04:28
Donald Trump
Been there. I've been there before, partner.
- 04:32
Pete Hegseth
Yeah, I've been there a lot. You know, the press says we bombed the school. I just blame it on the Ayatollah. And also on the alcohol.
- 04:45
Pete Hegseth
Oh, you dweebs, stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed. It's wide open. sure there's a bunch of land mines floating in the water water mines I guess but if you're an oil tanker and you're driving it and you see one of the mines just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint close your eyes and gun it
- 05:04
Donald Trump
great advice Pete okay anyway back to the gas station scene kidding of course and I from New York. It's Saturday Night!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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