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Trump Christmas Address Cold Open
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Standing at a podium in a holiday-decorated White House room, the President opens with a four-part "ho" and brags about his administration's year. He warns about Arctic immigrants sneaking down chimneys, hugs a Christmas tree after saluting the flag, and boasts about a daily cognitive test that he passes by naming a camel. He then announces that the Kennedy Center will carry his name, along with several other monuments, explaining that his name had to go somewhere after being taken off so many files. He invades a country in video-game style, muddles a duo he says he loves, and unveils a teen sports competition he admits is meant to distract from the Epstein files. A heavily blacked-out document on an easel closes the speech before he wishes everyone a merry holiday and cues the show's live opening line.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 1
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
We like to say redacted. It's my second favorite R word, redacted.
We had so many Trumps in there, we had to put them somewhere.
Camel. Bumpy horse. I say it a lot.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This cold open opened the December 20, 2025 Christmas episode hosted by Ariana Grande with musical guest Cher, which was also Bowen Yang's final show as a cast member.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Speaker 1
And now, a holiday message from the President of the United States.
- 00:04
Donald Trump
Ho, Hello. Hi. Ho, ho, ho, ho. Yes, we've added a fourth ho. Biden only had three. We added a fourth. Hi, it's me, your favorite president, back again this week, coming to you live from a part of the White House that Melania's Christmas decorations haven't gotten to yet. That's why we still have fireplace and garland and not spooky twigs and black vase.
- 00:31
Donald Trump
Please. But we have to be vigilant this Christmas as Americans. As you know, Arctic immigrants are coming in through our chimneys and stealing our milk and cookies. I think that's where North Pole is, Arctic. We'll be looking into that. We're going to look into that, but... We love Christmas, right? We love Christmas. Cross the tree.
- 00:50
Donald Trump
I know I'm not supposed to say that out loud, but it helps me, okay? Oh, we love tree. Remember when I did this with Flag?
- 00:59
Donald Trump
Did you like that? I'm hugging tree now it's very sharp. I hug flag and tree just never person return to podium but Christmas is great we love it in fact I'm doing my own version of nativity now where kings from the Middle East bring gifts for me like gold and airplane and casino deal in Dubai but unlike nativity they're not showing up on camel and I know camel I know it very well I know it from my my mandatory daily cognitive test.
- 01:31
Donald Trump
I always point right to camel. I always get camel right. It's bumpy horse, that's how I know. Camel bumpy horse, I say it a lot. But I wanted to ramble to you tonight about the incredible things this administration is doing. We're doing wonderful stuff. We are renaming the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, which will now be called the Trump Kennedy Center Center for the Performing Arts, Snohoma.
- 02:00
Donald Trump
I'm actually going to be renaming a number of our other monuments as well. Trump Washington Monument, Trump Lincoln Memorial, and of course, Big Elphaba.
- 02:17
Donald Trump
That one's just for fun. The third one's always the funny one. You know, people are saying, sir, why are you putting your name on so many buildings? And I say, it's because we had to take it off of so many files.
- 02:30
Donald Trump
Epstein. Redacted. We had so many Trumps in there, we had to put them somewhere. You know what I'm saying? We like to say redacted. It's my second favorite R word, redacted. I love it.
- 02:43
Donald Trump
Shut up. Love it. And it's been a great year for foreign policy. I am invading Venezuela by myself, Metal Gear Solid style. That's exciting. Did that hit with some of the losers in the crowd? Maybe it did. did. And you know what? The economy is fine, all right? The economy is fine. It's getting closer to fine. Indigo Girls.
- 03:03
Donald Trump
They were one of my favorite lesbian folk rock duos. I believe that was Melissa Atheridge and I want to say Elton John. I thought they were great. They were two of my favorites. Oh, and this is very important. I almost forgot. I'm inventing my own Hunger Games.
- 03:19
Donald Trump
That's right. The White House will be hosting the Patriot Games for for high school athletes to compete. Because I thought, what's the best way to distract from the Epstein files?
- 03:29
Donald Trump
I know, invite a bunch of teenagers to my house. I'll take things a pedophile might do for a thousand, Alex. But you can't say Alex anymore, right? You gotta say Ken.
- 03:42
Donald Trump
Gotta say Ken, you can't say Alex. And it was Mayim Bialik for a second, now it's Ken. I like Ken.
- 03:50
Donald Trump
They're saying, sir, you're doing Hunger Games and you know how that book ends and of course I don't because book I don't like to read and frankly might not be able to anymore we'll be looking into that very shortly but with regard to files we're being very transparent because Jeffrey Epstein was a terrible man and I didn't know him and I liked him a lot so we released all the files and I come out looking frankly very good we had to redact a few sensitive things
- 04:18
Donald Trump
but you'll get the gist here look at this Christmas.
- 04:24
Donald Trump
Check it out. Trump didn't do nothing bad. Trump does smash, but not like wrong kind. The end. See, it's all there. Can you believe it?
- 04:39
Donald Trump
So in conclusion, it's been a great second first year. I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Or if you're Jewish, happy honky donk. And live from New York, it's It's Saturday! Night!
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