You're tuned to the good stuff
Gifts from Mom
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
At a family holiday gathering, a mother named Beth distributes presents to her two grown daughters and their boyfriends while her husband looks on. Every gift comes wrapped in self-loathing: she insists the scarf is junk, the earrings are a burden, and that she should be put in a home, so the daughters keep reassuring her until they beg her to let them open a gift in peace. Dad's own presents are barbed jokes aimed at the boyfriends, and the couples' gifts turn out to be a framed family vacation photo that sets off a fresh round of self-flagellation, an offer to be punched, and finally a surprise present from the daughters.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 6
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I did my best, but my best is bad. Put me in a home.
Get it? FML, because you're with my daughter.
I'm hearing it, I'm taking it, I'm growing, and I'm different.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Mr. Collins
Oh man, how lucky am I? My girls home for the holidays with their boyfriends, a.k.a. my future sons. It's nice to have the house full. That's for frickin' sure.
- 00:11
Liz's Boyfriend
Oh, happy to be here.
- 00:12
Kelsey's Boyfriend
Yeah, thank you for having us, Steve.
- 00:14
Mr. Collins
Oh, please. Steve is my dad's name. Call me Mr. Collins.
- 00:17
Kelsey's Boyfriend
Okay.
- 00:19
Beth
Now, girls, I know we said we weren't doing gifts this year, but I couldn't help myself. I got you a little something.
- 00:26
Kelsey
Okay.
- 00:27
Liz
Mom, that is too much.
- 00:28
Beth
No, no, no. It's just, it's stupid little stuff. Seriously, I just, I wanted you to have something to open. So, okay, here we go. Kelsey.
- 00:35
Kelsey
Oh, Mom, thank you.
- 00:38
Beth
I mean, it's nothing. If you hate it, you can return it, seriously. I don't even know where I got it.
- 00:45
Kelsey
I haven't even opened it yet, Mom.
- 00:47
Beth
Well, probably shouldn't. It's just, uh, you can donate it. Oh, it's stupid, it's bad, I'm sorry.
- 00:52
Kelsey
Oh, my gosh. It's great. A scarf. I needed this. Thank you.
- 00:56
Beth
Well, no, you don't, but okay. Okay, who's next? Let's get this over with. Here you go, Liz.
- 01:02
Liz
Oh, okay. Aw, that's so sweet.
- 01:07
Beth
It's just a stupid little nothing. I saw it and thought of you, but don't worry, I have the receipt.
- 01:12
Liz
Mom, I'm not going to need it.
- 01:14
Beth
Well, you know what, now don't open it, because now it's a burden. God, I suck. I take up space and I hurt people.
- 01:19
Liz
Oh, my gosh, Mom, stop apologizing. These earrings are beautiful, and I'm not returning them.
- 01:26
Beth
Well, you should, because they're not good, and neither am I.
- 01:28
Liz
Mom, I really love them.
- 01:30
Beth
No, no, don't lie. Don't lie. I did my best, but my best is bad. Put me in a home.
- 01:34
Mr. Collins
Oh, Beth, enough. Your gifts are great, but, uh, just maybe not as good as mine. Here you go. Yeah, that's right.
- 01:44
Kelsey's Boyfriend
Oh, wow. It's a book called How to Pick Up Women. I don't know if I need this. I'm pretty happy with your daughter.
- 01:53
Mr. Collins
Well, knowing my daughter, you might in about six months.
- 01:56
Kelsey
Dad!
- 01:59
Kelsey's Boyfriend
Well, thank you.
- 02:00
Mr. Collins
Yeah.
- 02:01
Liz's Boyfriend
And mine is a hat that says FML.
- 02:05
Mr. Collins
Get it? FML, because you're with my daughter. Yeah.
- 02:09
Liz's Boyfriend
I don't feel that way.
- 02:10
Mr. Collins
Okay, okay.
- 02:11
Beth
Well, we're almost done. I just have a couple more.
- 02:15
Kelsey
God, Mom.
- 02:17
Liz
Okay, this is too much. Seriously, we would have gotten you something.
- 02:20
Beth
No, no. Please, please, just open them. They're pieces of trash from the dumbest woman alive.
- 02:25
Kelsey
Mom, stop.
- 02:26
Beth
I crapped in a toilet and I wrapped it in a bag. I'm sorry I'm your mother. I'll send God a letter, tell him to take me early.
- 02:34
Kelsey
It's a quilt and a candle.
- 02:38
Beth
I know, I know. They're disgusting. I'm an idiot and a bitch.
- 02:41
Liz
Mom, stop talking like that. You're being so hard on yourself. Can you just let us open a gift without apologizing?
- 02:48
Kelsey
Yeah.
- 02:49
Beth
Yeah. Okay. I'm hearing it, I'm taking it, I'm growing, and I'm different. Bing! Okay, new me. Okay. Couples' gifts next. So, oh, you're going to love them, and I'm going to keep my mouth shut. So open them.
- 03:03
Kelsey
Oh, my gosh!
- 03:11
Kelsey's Boyfriend
It's heavy.
- 03:15
Beth
I don't think you're gonna like them.
- 03:17
Liz's Boyfriend
We're gonna love it.
- 03:22
Kelsey's Boyfriend
Oh, my God. It's a framed family vacation photo.
- 03:26
Liz's Boyfriend
Ah, FML! FML!
- 03:30
Kelsey
Mom!
- 03:31
Liz's Boyfriend
Whoa.
- 03:31
Liz
What the hell?
- 03:32
Kelsey
Mom, those were nice!
- 03:34
Beth
I am a villain. I am from the wrong side of the track. I give trash because I am trash. I'm lucky you didn't come out whores.
- 03:47
Kelsey
Don't call us whores!
- 03:48
Kelsey's Boyfriend
She actually said she's lucky you two didn't come out whores.
- 03:51
Beth
Honey, honey, hit me. Hit me in the head. Go ahead. Hit your mother. Everybody get in a circle, hit me. Knock me out if you can.
- 03:58
Mr. Collins
Um, I mean, if that's what you want.
- 04:00
Liz
No. No! Stop! We're not gonna hit you.
- 04:04
Kelsey
You know what, Mom? Okay, we were gonna wait, but we actually did stop on the way and get you a little something.
- 04:13
Beth
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I needed this. Oh, I love it so much! Oh, I hope I can fit it over my bitch body.
- 04:25
Kelsey
Aww.
- 04:27
Liz
Please.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from across the archive.
