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Christmas Cards
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Back from work, a husband finds that his wife has covered the fridge with the holiday cards they received. As the couple scans the display, each card springs to life and its senders speak directly to them: a devout neighbor with a beach-side brood and an endlessly pregnant wife, a cousin whose pregnancy has become her whole identity, a Wisconsin relative proudly posing with a slain deer, their overdue dentist, a well-off couple whose ancient dog survives on staggering vet bills, a friend who pressured Miley Cyrus into a photo, a mysterious family friend who only ever sends solo vacation shots, and the wife’s former high-school tormentor flaunting her money, her unfaithful husband and her sullen son. The couple react with mounting discomfort, and the dog’s next surgery gets the final word.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 16
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
And yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I’ve been pregnant. I’m never not pregnant.
Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don’t care enough to ask your mom, so you’ll never know!
He’s growing into a fine young incel.
I’m at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Billie Eilish was both host and musical guest, becoming the first SNL host born in the 21st century. Miley Cyrus made a cameo as herself. The episode marked Kate McKinnon’s return after she missed the season’s first seven episodes while filming Joe vs. Carole.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Wife
Hey, sweetie, how was work?
- 00:03
Husband
Oh, babe, incredible, incredible. We had a great meeting about some exciting emerging markets with growth potential. You want to hear the deets?
- 00:10
Wife
No, thanks. But look what I did. I put up all our Christmas cards on the fridge. Looks festive, right?
- 00:16
Husband
Yeah. Wow. We got a lot of cards this year, man. We know a lot of people, huh?
- 00:22
Neighbor
People like me, your super-white, super-Christian neighbor. Here on the beach with my wife and our army of blonde children. all in matching white shirts and jeans.
- 00:34
Neighbor’s Wife
And, yes, this is the seventh Christmas card in a row I've been pregnant. I'm never not pregnant.
- 00:42
Cousin
Did someone use the word pregnant? Because I am, too. I'm your cousin who's made pregnancy and my entire personality. I started planning this Christmas card as I was peeing on the pregnancy test.
- 00:57
Cousin’s Husband
And I'm the husband whose name you will never learn. as you can see in my eyes I'm not that into this car concept but she is I wasn't given a choice
- 01:07
Cousin from Wisconsin
speaking of cousins I'm your cousin from Wisconsin Merry Christmas from me and this animal I killed
- 01:14
Husband
man everybody looks so happy but I don't recognize her though
- 01:20
Dr. Donna Woods
happy holidays from dr. Donna of Smile Time Dental Partners. You are two years late for your six-month cleaning.
- 01:30
Husband
Eh, I'll go when COVID's over.
- 01:32
Wife
Oh, did you see Pearson Leonard's card?
- 01:35
Hmm.
- 01:36
Leonard
Of course you did. It's stunning.
- 01:38
Pierce
Stunning.
- 01:39
Leonard
What else would you expect from the well-off, middle-aged gay couple your wife is friends with? As usual, we're dressed to the nines and holding our gross old little dog that you cannot believe is still alive.
- 01:54
Husband
Oh, my God. That rat dog of theirs is still alive? How?
- 02:00
Pierce
Simple. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical procedures. That's how. All of which the vet prefaced with, I mean, what are we gaining? Two, three months at the most?
- 02:12
Husband
Wait. Is that your friend Ruth with Miley Cyrus? Are they friends?
- 02:21
Ruth
Uh, no, we are not. But what better way to remind you that I met a celebrity at a restaurant 11 months ago than with my Christmas card?
- 02:30
Herself
This woman came up to my table and said, you're Anna Montana, and then said that she hated my music.
- 02:37
Ruth
I'm just being honest. It's not for me.
- 02:39
Herself
She asked for a photo and implied that if I didn't take it, it was because I was racist.
- 02:45
Ruth
That's true. And I use that a lot.
- 02:48
Herself
So I took the picture. So, I guess Merry Christmas from Miley and...
- 02:53
Ruth
You don't know my name! You racist!
- 02:57
Husband
Man, Ruth is so cool. Friends with famous people.
- 03:03
Wife
Oh, by the way, who's Barbara Jacobs again?
- 03:06
Husband
That's one of my mom's friends.
- 03:09
Barbara Jacobs
Happy holidays from me, your mom's single friend who's looked 52 years old since you were a baby. You know the drill. Every year, my Christmas card is a picture of me alone on a crazy-ass vacation. Last year, I was on top of a mountain. This year, I'm snorkeling off the coast of a volcano. What's my deal? Am I a lesbian or a wealthy widow? You don't care enough to ask your mom, so you'll never know!
- 03:39
Husband
And, wait, who's that in the pajamas?
- 03:43
Wife
That's Harper. We went to high school together.
- 03:45
Husband
Oh, and you guys were friends?
- 03:47
Harper
Yeah. No, we weren't. I made her life a living hell. What's new with me? Let's see. Still a bitch, still richer than her, and still married to my handsome, yet boring husband who cheats on me.
- 04:01
Harper’s Husband
I do cheat on her a lot.
- 04:04
Harper
What else? Oh, my son is 15 now. He's growing into a fine, young incel.
- 04:10
Son
It's girls' fault that I'm not cool.
- 04:13
Harper
And if our matching pajamas don't make you hate us, flip the card for a long, braggy list of what our family did this year.
- 04:22
Harper’s Husband
Spoiler alert. We moved into a huge house on the lake.
- 04:26
Son
I don't like the lake because you have to wear swim trunks and I'm at the part of puberty where I look like a newborn giraffe.
- 04:34
Harper
Even though you think I'm a tacky fake bitch, I know that my Christmas cards make you jealous and I love that I still have that power over you. So, happy holidays, tampon girl. That's what I called your wife in high school.
- 04:49
Husband
Wow. Harper seems real nice.
- 04:52
Wife
Mm-hmm.
- 04:54
Hey,
- 04:56
Husband
Hey, thanks for doing this, babe. You know, I love that we can just see all of our friends and family just by walking into the kitchen, you know?
- 05:03
Oh.
- 05:04
Wife
Oh, no. Pearson Leonard's dog is going into surgery again.
- 05:08
Pierce
Thoughts and prayers for our beloved Pablo. He needs a new spine.
- 05:13
Leonard
It's gonna cost $150,000, but how can you say no to this thing?
- 05:19
Thank you.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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