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50s Baseball Broadcast
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
At Yankee Stadium in 1951, Lyle O’Riley tries to call a Yankees game with former player Diz Newsome. Diz has treated a cold with methamphetamine and is far more interested in insulting players, discussing their private lives and interrupting the action than describing the game.
Lyle repeatedly corrects his partner and turns to sponsor announcer Walt Hall for relief. A warning from the station manager fails to stop Diz from telling an impossible story about Babe Ruth, and even the sponsor breaks from his script when the commentary takes another turn.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I kind of want to hear this.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
Lyle O'Riley
No score as we head into the bottom of the third. Yankees White Sox, Lyle O'Reilly for WNYX Radio alongside Hall of Famer Diz Newsome. Gorgeous day for a ball game.
- 00:15
Diz Newsome
It is.
- 00:16
Lyle O'Riley
Before we get back to the action on the field, let's go to Walt Hall for a word from our sponsors. Walt?
- 00:25
Walt Hall
WNYX Yankees coverage is brought to you by Schmackman's Department Store. Hey, where'd you get that plain brown suit? and plain brown hat, why, schmackments, of course. Now, back to the ball game.
- 00:37
Lyle O'Riley
Thank you, Walt. Diz, glad you made it in today. I understand you were feeling a little under the weather this morning?
- 00:45
Diz Newsome
Oh, yeah, uh, stuffy head, sore throat, the works. So luckily, my doctor prescribed me this new cold medicine called methamphetamine. Yeah, it just did knock my cold right out.
- 01:00
Lyle O'Riley
well glad you're feeling better
- 01:02
Diz Newsome
oh I'm excited I'm feeling chatty like I could talk about everything forever
- 01:06
Lyle O'Riley
all right well sounds like this methamphetamine medicine did the trick and Jean Woodling comes to the plate 15 for 25 this season against lefty pitchers
- 01:17
Diz Newsome
I mean not bad for an alcoholic
- 01:19
Lyle O'Riley
all right don't say that
- 01:21
Diz Newsome
did you seen Woodlings wife mama me okay 22 years old the tush on that woman. I mean, like a soldier's haircut. High and tight.
- 01:34
Lyle O'Riley
All right, let's not talk about another man's wife like that, Diz, and here's the pitch.
- 01:43
Diz Newsome
Except it's not pot
- 01:45
Lyle O'Riley
fly directly over home plate.
- 01:48
Diz Newsome
You know what? I'm gonna take another cold pill so I don't get stuffy.
- 01:52
Lyle O'Riley
Okay, sounds good, Diz. Jolting Joe DiMaggio is headed to the plate, or should I say Mr. Marilyn Monroe.
- 02:02
Diz Newsome
I mean, how the hell did Joe DiMaggio, the ugliest son of a bitch in baseball, snag that broad?
- 02:09
Lyle O'Riley
All right, watch the language, Diz.
- 02:11
Diz Newsome
I mean, you know he's Italian, right?
- 02:14
Lyle O'Riley
Okay.
- 02:15
Diz Newsome
Italians aren't even whites.
- 02:17
Lyle O'Riley
Okay. Please don't say that, Diz. And here's the pitch. Line drive past third.
- 02:26
Diz Newsome
It is not. It is not.
- 02:30
Lyle O'Riley
but DiMaggio easily makes it to first
- 02:34
Diz Newsome
oh yeah question how much money would you pay to sniff Marilyn Monroe's bed sheets
- 02:42
Lyle O'Riley
okay I'm not gonna answer that cuz that is inappropriate
- 02:46
Diz Newsome
oh no it's not inappropriate would be something like how do you fit four hookers onto a chair you turn it upside down
- 02:54
Lyle O'Riley
Oh, my God! No, Danz, how about a sponsor I.D., Walt?
- 03:04
Walt Hall
Today's coverage is brought to you by Mitchum, the businessman scotch.
- 03:11
Lyle O'Riley
Thank you, Walt. One out, runner on first, and rookie Mickey Mantle is coming to the plate.
- 03:19
Diz Newsome
Another boar's hound.
- 03:20
Lyle O'Riley
All right, a lot of folks are saying I'm saying this kid's power reminds them of a young Babe Ruth.
- 03:26
Diz Newsome
I mean, you heard the story about Babe Ruth in Cleveland, right?
- 03:32
Diz Newsome
Ah, they told me not to tell the story about Babe Ruth. It's a real shame because it's wild.
- 03:42
Lyle O'Riley
Okay, maybe lay off that cold medicine, Diz. Mantles squaring up at the plate.
- 03:49
Diz Newsome
Ah, what the hell, right? Okay, so Ruth's on the road in Cleveland.
- 03:53
Lyle O'Riley
Pitch is low by one.
- 03:55
Diz Newsome
I mean, it's about midnight after the game. Babe is drunk as a skunk Looking for what else? Horse and hot dogs
- 04:02
Lyle O'Riley
Please stop and right winds up
- 04:04
Diz Newsome
Okay, so nothing's open And Babe is starving
- 04:08
Lyle O'Riley
The pitch, ball two
- 04:09
Diz Newsome
So he sees this little street agent kid About ten years old And Babe Ruth, uh, he ate him
- 04:18
Lyle O'Riley
No No He did not
- 04:22
Diz Newsome
Babe Ruth was so hungry
- 04:25
Lyle O'Riley
Nope
- 04:25
Diz Newsome
That he ate a child alive.
- 04:28
Lyle O'Riley
No, he did not. And that is ball three.
- 04:32
Diz Newsome
He did.
- 04:33
Lyle O'Riley
He did not.
- 04:33
Diz Newsome
He did close it off.
- 04:35
Lyle O'Riley
No. Babe Ruth was famously kind to children. Three and O's the count.
- 04:43
Diz Newsome
Well, he ate one.
- 04:44
Lyle O'Riley
No.
- 04:45
Diz Newsome
If you're listening to this, and you're in your car, and you're stuck in traffic, I have an idea. Just gun it.
- 04:55
Lyle O'Riley
Don't do that.
- 04:56
Diz Newsome
Just slam the gas and see what happens.
- 05:00
Lyle O'Riley
No, he's joking. Don't do that.
- 05:02
Diz Newsome
I'm not.
- 05:03
Lyle O'Riley
Bowl four. Bases loaded.
- 05:06
Diz Newsome
Uh, you know, I have some observations on different races.
- 05:09
Lyle O'Riley
No, no, no. Let's hear from our sponsor.
- 05:14
Walt Hall
I kind of want to hear this.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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