Matt DamonHost
Good Will Hunting Ornament
You're tuned to the good stuff
Christmas Ornaments
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
While a husband and wife trim their family tree, the wife declares the tipsy Santa ornament too trashy for display and hangs him on the side that faces the wall. Once the humans leave, Santa discovers a whole community of rejects back there: a souvenir from an airport gift shop, a twenty-year-old promotional ornament for a Matt Damon film whose dead batteries turn its catchphrase sinister, an out-of-date Rudy Giuliani, a Quidditch player with a snapped broom, a macaroni creation a kindergartner made, and an angel whose melted head is her tragic backstory. They welcome him with grim cheer, and the sketch ends on a sarcastic toast to life at the back of the tree.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 9
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Good Will Hunting screams Christmas.
Greeting! Singular!
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Husband
There it is. I love this one. Drunk Santa. This baby's going front and center.
- 00:06
Wife
Oh, come on, babe. Drunk Santa is tacky. This is a classy tree.
- 00:10
Husband
Okay. Sorry, Drunk Santa. You've been sentenced to the back of the tree.
- 00:16
Drunk Santa
Wait. Wait, where am I? Oh! New blonde! Why am I back here with all of you?
- 00:24
Cleveland Souvenir
All of us losers? Us D-listers? Face it, fish. You're one of us. The ornaments that are only seen by the wall. I'm your peer now. Take a good look at me. I'm a souvenir from a trip to Cleveland. You heard that right. Cleveland. And greeting, singular, from Cleveland. I was clearly brought in an airport. I'm head-to-toe Hudson News. And when you news, you lose. So I'm back here with the freaks and the fuglies. And now you are, too.
- 00:57
Drunk Santa
But I'm funny.
- 00:58
Cleveland Souvenir
Ha-ha! Y'all hear that? He's funny. Ha-ha-ha! Fool, you are tacky. And tacky goes in Beckett.
- 01:06
Drunk Santa
But I was in the front of the tree once.
- 01:08
Good Will Hunting Ornament
So was I, Fish, 20 years ago. A for-your-consideration, promotional Good Will Hunting ornament.
- 01:17
Drunk Santa
Yeah, because that makes sense. Good Will Hunting screams Christmas.
- 01:21
Good Will Hunting Ornament
And get this, I can talk, too. You want to hear what I sound like with 20-year-old batteries?
- 01:27
Good Will Hunting Ornament
How do you like them apples?
- 01:29
Drunk Santa
Oh, no, no, no. I don't like them at all.
- 01:32
Good Will Hunting Ornament
Oh, what? You don't think it's fair? Come on. On the back of me, you know what it says? It says, "Happy Holidays from the Weinstein Company." Yeah, that holds up. I've aged about as well as Rudy over there.
- 01:49
Drunk Santa
Well, who's Rudy?
- 01:50
Rudy Giuliani
Me. I'm Rudy Giuliani, Orman, from 2001. I still don't understand why I'm back here. I'm America's mayor. Did something change?
- 02:01
Cleveland Souvenir
Yes. You see that fish? You got to accept your back-of-the-tree material now. Don't be like Harry Potter, who refuses to accept that since the back of his Quidditch broom broke. He looks like he's doing something nasty.
- 02:13
Harry Potter
Quiet! Be quiet! I look like I'm playing Quidditch and nothing more!
- 02:20
Cleveland Souvenir
You look like the cover of a Harry Potter porno.
- 02:25
Harry Potter
And when they get me a new broom, I'll be back on the front. You'll see.
- 02:30
Cleveland Souvenir
Potter's got the most dangerous thing you can have back here. Hope.
- 02:35
Cleveland Souvenir
That's right, Fish. You should give up, like Barb.
- 02:38
Drunk Santa
Barb? Who's Barb?
- 02:41
Barb
Kill me!
- 02:44
Drunk Santa
Oh, God! What is she?
- 02:46
Cleveland Souvenir
Beats me. Kid brought her home from kindergarten and said, I made a Christmas. That's all we know.
- 02:52
Drunk Santa
Hey, Bob, what the hell even are you?
- 02:55
Barb
Barb is dead. You call me what I am. You call me Macaroni Turd.
- 03:02
Angel
Oh, Christ, the angel saved me...
- 03:06
Drunk Santa
What is that?
- 03:08
Cleveland Souvenir
That, my friend, is the angel. She's a destroyed ornament kept for sentimental value. She used to be the angel, living large up on top of the tree. And then a light bulb melted off her damn head She's never been the same since.
- 03:27
Angel
♪ Sad night, burned by light ♪
- 03:39
Cleveland Souvenir
She sings us to sleep every night. The anthem of the ugly, the hymn of the hideous. So you better settle in, Fish, and let me be the first to say greeting from the back of the tree.
- 03:52
Cleveland Souvenir
Macaroni Turd could be a friend to you.
- 03:55
Drunk Santa
Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm gonna spend my Christmas back here with you people.
- 04:00
Cleveland Souvenir
Believe it, Fish, you're one of us now, so...
- 04:03
Good Will Hunting Ornament
How do you like them apples?
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from across the archive.
