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Gift Wrap

Saturday Night Live 2017 Season 43 Episode 8

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

A department-store gift wrapper who lives for Christmas refuses to admit that his paper cuts are becoming a medical emergency.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

At the Bloomingdale's gift-wrap counter, Don and his coworker Tina cheerfully wrap presents for a stream of holiday shoppers. When Don nicks his finger on the paper, he waves off the injury as a hazard of the job and keeps working, even as he drips blood across a customer's gift for her niece. Tina keeps urging him to see the store nurse while more shoppers line up with their purchases, and each new wrap job finds Don slicing something else open and insisting he is fine. The counter turns into a crime scene while Don's holiday cheer never wavers, and the customers in line grow steadily more alarmed until the whole group is screaming for an ambulance.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 6

James FrancoHost

Don

Highly quotable.

My finger's basically like a split hot dog right now.

Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood.

Stop loving Christmas? Never.

ScriptEnglish · 54 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:00
Don
And that's one freshly wrapped Xbox, courtesy of your friendly Bloomingdale's gift wrapping department. Hang on. Let me just fluff your bow. Can't send you home with a floppy bow.
00:11
Customer
Thank you. How much do I owe you?
00:13
Don
Ah, you've been such a super sweet customer, I think I'm going to have to waive the $5 charge. This one's on me. Now, Merry Christmas.
00:21
Customer
Merry Christmas to you.
00:22
Customer
All right.
00:22
Tina
Wow, Don, you're so great with the customers. I don't know how you do it.
00:27
Don
Because I'm a freakin nut for Christmas. That's how. I live for this, don't you?
00:32
Tina
It's fine.
00:33
Customer
Hi, can I get this Barbie doll wrapped for my niece?
00:36
Don
Wow. Oh, yeah, she's gonna have the best Christmas of her flippin life.
00:42
Customer
I hope so. She's pretty special.
00:44
Don
Oh, I know she will, sir. That is my Christmas guarantee. Oh, yeah, just a... just a little paper cut. It's a hazard of the trade. No big. Now, the secret to good gift wrapping is a nice, clean crease.
01:04
Customer
Don, Don, do you need a Band-Aid?
01:06
Don
I don't think so. Don't think so.
01:07
Customer
I think you do. You're getting blood all over my niece's gift.
01:11
Don
I can just cover that with the bow. Don't worry. Oh, man. Whoo! This is deeper than I thought. Yeah. My finger's basically like a split hot dog right now.
01:23
Tina
I think we need to get you to the medical center.
01:26
Don
Oh, pass, Tina. I got work to do.
01:29
Customer
This is bad. Are you on blood thinners?
01:31
Don
A few. Yeah. Okay, one last piece of tape, and, uh... All right. There you go, sir.
01:38
Customer
Thank you. Where's the return counter?
01:40
Don
Just over there. Over there. Oh, don't forget your free candy cane over here, okay?
01:47
Customer
Jesus! Jesus!
01:49
Tina
Okay, hey, Don, can we please go find the store nurse now?
01:53
Don
Tina, it's nothing. I just need a little pressure on it. It's gonna stop any second, okay?
02:00
Tina
Is your mouth filling with blood right now, Don?
02:02
Don
Mm-mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
02:04
Customer
Hi, are you free to wrap a gift?
02:06
Don
Mm.
02:07
Customer
Legos!
02:09
Don
Oh, you are a gift buying genius or what?
02:12
Customer
Oh, my good Lord. Good Lord. What is happening?
02:18
Don
Your Christmas dreams are coming true, that's what. Let me find my special choo-choo paper.
02:25
Customer
No, you know what? I think we good, man. Let's get out of here.
02:32
Don
Okay. Okay, here we go. Look. Don't be silly. You're going to love this paper. Just got to chop a little bit of it.
02:44
Customer
Whoa.
02:47
Customer
You just chopped your damn fingers off.
02:49
Don
Just the tip. Just the tip. That's what she said.
02:53
Don
No, not you!
02:55
Customer
I just want to say something at this point. I think we may actually have a problem here.
03:02
Customer
Yeah, man.
03:07
Customer
Just spraying blood in my...
03:12
Don
No, the problem is I don't have enough choo-choo paper. But, look, you can pick any of the patterns on the wall behind me here.
03:19
Customer
No. All right, that is it. We're all out of here.
03:22
Customer
No, I want to... I want to... what's going to happen. Oh, wow.
03:28
Tina
Don? Don, this is way more than eight pints of blood. Will you please stop?
03:32
Don
Stop loving Christmas? Never. Just turn on the lights. I want to show you something.
03:37
Tina
The lights are on all the time.
03:39
Don
Oh, my God. Another roll of choo-choo paper. Let me cut the... let me cut the plastic off here. Hold it with my leg here. Just... I just cut my leg.
03:59
Customer
You just 100% cut your damn foot off.
04:02
Don
Okay. That's what... A foot! That's what she said!
04:07
Customer
Call an ambulance for all of us!
04:09
Customer
No, I cannot deal with that! That is a foot!
04:11
Don
My leg!