Vagina Pillows

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01
   

   Candace

   Everything looks really nice

2. 00:02
   

   Toni

   me too. It's gonna be a really nice Christmas

3. 00:05
   

   Candace

   stockings out.

4. 00:06
   

   Toni

   I know thank you for making one for me

5. 00:09
   

   Candace

   Well, I've actually used those as shoes.

6. 00:11
   

   Toni

   Okay.

7. 00:12
   

   Candace

   My son is just coming by. Did I tell you that

8. 00:14
   

   Toni

   Robert?

9. 00:15
   

   Candace

   Mm-hmm,

10. 00:15
    

    Toni

    okay

11. 00:17
    

    Candace

    This is really good by the way

12. 00:19
    

    Toni

    What is it?

13. 00:22
    

    Candace

    It's sort of unsweetened maple syrup

14. 00:24
    

    Candace

    there he is

15. 00:29
    

    Toni

    Come and say hi.

16. 00:31
    

    Candace

    Why are you being so rude?

17. 00:32
    

    Robert

    Happy holidays. It's good to see you.

18. 00:34
    

    Toni

    I didn't know you had a child, Robert.

19. 00:36
    

    Robert

    Yeah, I had a baby three months ago.

20. 00:39
    

    Toni

    Candace, you didn't say anything.

21. 00:40
    

    Candace

    I did.

22. 00:41
    

    Toni

    You didn't?

23. 00:42
    

    Robert

    Look, I'm trying to go shopping. I got to get something for Valerie. Can you just please watch the baby for a couple minutes?

24. 00:47
    

    Toni

    We're watching it right now.

25. 00:48
    

    Robert

    Yeah. You know you're... By watching, I don't mean just physically watching it. Like, I'm gonna leave...

26. 00:54
    

    Candace

    Always new information with you. Always some new spin on it.

27. 00:57
    

    Toni

    Why don't you get something here in our house? Why don't you buy for Valerie?

28. 01:00
    

    Robert

    There's nothing here for Valerie.

29. 01:03
    

    Toni

    You want this vagina pillow?

30. 01:04
    

    Robert

    I don't want that vagina pillow. We have so many. We have 13 vagina pillows. My entire bed looks like a bunch of women exploded on it.

31. 01:11
    

    Candace

    That's one room. So there's other rooms in the house that you could.

32. 01:16
    

    Robert

    Just give each other vagina pillows every Christmas.

33. 01:18
    

    Toni

    I don't need a vagina pillow.

34. 01:21
    

    Robert

    No one does.

35. 01:22
    

    Toni

    And especially for the little one.

36. 01:23
    

    Robert

    The little one does not need a vagina pillow. He doesn't need one.

37. 01:26
    

    Candace

    Bob, we don't want to know the gender of the baby. We don't want to know the sex, and you know that.

38. 01:31
    

    Toni

    I don't know your gender. I don't know Candace's. I don't know mine.

39. 01:34
    

    Robert

    You don't know my gender?

40. 01:35
    

    Toni

    I don't.

41. 01:36
    

    Robert

    Do I look like a woman?

42. 01:37
    

    Toni

    I don't know what a woman looks like. Do you?

43. 01:41
    

    Robert

    I just feel like I'm good at recognizing a woman when I see one.

44. 01:45
    

    Candace

    What are you? You're a detective? A gender detective?

45. 01:48
    

    Robert

    No, I just...

46. 01:49
    

    Candace

    Lifting up skirts and pulling down pants and just getting in there with your magnifying glass?

47. 01:52
    

    Robert

    I've never done that.

48. 01:53
    

    Candace

    I didn't even consider your gender.

49. 01:55
    

    Robert

    I know. You still don't.

50. 01:56
    

    Candace

    Didn't, didn't, I've accepted it now. I accept you're a man.

51. 02:00
    

    Robert

    Thank you.

52. 02:00
    

    Candace

    I accept you have a penis. That doesn't mean it's going to stay that way.

53. 02:04
    

    Robert

    Excuse me?

54. 02:04
    

    Candace

    Is there a problem? Because we can discuss our whole family history right now if you want, Bob.

55. 02:08
    

    Robert

    I don't think that would be appropriate.

56. 02:10
    

    Candace

    That's your father talking. That is your disgusting father.

57. 02:18
    

    Robert

    I'm sorry. I didn't, I don't know why you're mad.

58. 02:21
    

    Candace

    I raised you right. We, do you remember?

59. 02:24
    

    Robert

    I do.

60. 02:25
    

    Candace

    I definitely kept it fuzzy when it came to what gender you are. Not raising you by any kind of binary gender code? Do you remember I'd dress you up in a ballerina costume one day and the next one a sailor outfit?

61. 02:36
    

    Robert

    So confusing.

62. 02:37
    

    Candace

    All of our world's geniuses were confused. Einstein was very confused, he said.

63. 02:42
    

    Toni

    Was Einstein a man or a woman?

64. 02:44
    

    Candace

    He turned out to be a man because of the mustache. Even a woman cannot have a mustache that thick. That's a true fact.

65. 02:51
    

    Candace

    I'm proud of you. You know that, right? even though you're a man.

66. 02:54
    

    Robert

    I can't change that.

67. 02:56
    

    Toni

    You can, actually.

68. 02:58
    

    Robert

    I know. I probably won't this late in the game.

69. 03:01
    

    Candace

    Yes, we'll watch the baby.

70. 03:03
    

    Robert

    Thank you.

71. 03:03
    

    Candace

    Something stinks a little bit. Do you smell that?

72. 03:06
    

    Toni

    Yeah, OK, well.

73. 03:07
    

    Candace

    Yeah, it's dangerous.

74. 03:08
    

    Candace

    OK, we have to do this without finding out what the gender is, OK?

75. 03:11

    Shh, OK. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

76. 03:17

    Oh, oh, oh, oh.

77. 03:19
    

    Toni

    I was hit, I'm hit, I'm down.

78. 03:21
    

    Candace

    Oh, we have to get paper towels.

79. 03:22

    Ugh.

80. 03:23
    

    Candace

    Stay there. Don't move.

81. 03:25

    Ugh. God.