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Babewatch Revisited

Mad TV 1999 Season 5 Episode 8

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Artie Lange wanders back onto the MADtv set to tell his old castmates how one pig costume wrecked his health and his life.

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Community rating

– / 10

The funny people

Meet the cast. 6

Highly quotable.

Do you guys know what it's like to have a nipple on your ass and the runs at the same time?

I have hepatitis C. That's the bad kind, the kind Evel Knievel has. I need a liver.

Because I put a clock above the stove.

The premise

Here’s the bit.

The segment opens by replaying the original Babewatch parody, in which a litter-loving pig joins a glossy lifeguard squad. Then Artie Lange, the man inside the pig suit, turns up on the MADtv stage and tells Phil LaMarr, Nicole Sullivan and Debra Wilson that the gag ruined him. He blames the prosthetics for a string of ailments, goes on a grievance tour about the cast's teasing, and slides into pointless anecdotes about his car and his wife. The cast keep trying to usher him out until he leaves with a final piece of Hollywood advice.

ScriptEnglish · 47 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:07
Speaker 1
It's the heartwarming story of the year. Five years in the making. From a young boy cradling in his mother's arms, he grew up to be...
00:19
Babe
Hey, Tuts, wanna roll around in your own filth?
00:26
Speaker 1
The biggest pig on the beach. The Baywatch.
00:34
Speaker 2
I Oh, I hate it when I get sand on my gum.
00:40
Speaker 3
Tell me about it. It's almost as bad as getting sand in your shorts.
00:44
Speaker 4
No, Danny, Dirk, Damien, Don, Carrie, Kasia. Look at the horrible mess.
00:52
Speaker 5
I thought the doctor did a good job.
00:55
Speaker 4
No, not this horrible mess. I meant that horrible mess. Our poor beach.
01:02
Speaker 3
Carrie, we're never going to get this clean. It's time for the luau tonight.
01:06
Speaker 6
Who, oh who could have done such a thing, Damien?
01:09
Speaker 7
It was him, Carrie. That pig of a man over there.
01:12
Yeah, pig, pig, pig. Pig, pig, pig, pig. Hey, Mike, we mean it, pig. Yeah, pig. Pig.
01:21
Babe
Hey. Hey, I'm Babe, wanna roll a muck?
01:25
Speaker 2
Who's gonna clean up this mess, what with a luau just hours away?
01:27
Babe
Hey, if you guys need help, I'll be a lifeguard while he's cleaning the beach.
01:32
Speaker 6
What a brilliant idea. It's a great idea. Thanks. Where did you learn it?
01:37
Speaker 2
Hold it, Damien, Don, he can't go around the beach like that.
01:41
Artie Lange
What? What are you laughing at?
01:56
Artie Lange
Are you laughing at, Junior? You think that's funny? Let me tell you something that's really funny. You want to hear something really funny? Yeah, about the actor who played Babe the pig in that sketch? That was me. Before I did that sketch, I was a stud. Real, real stud, you understand me? Before that sketch, I was banging five, six broads a day, and then Babewatch aired.
02:25
Nicole Sullivan
Artie Lange! Artie, oh my god, Artie, hi, hi, you coming, welcome back, Artie boy, you look like hell.
02:37
Artie Lange
Yeah, bad hell? Yeah, you think I look like hell? Let me ask you guys if you would look like hell after what I've been through since this funny little gag aired. In the three years since that sketch aired, I've had the runs every day. Every single day of my life, I've had the runs. Some of the makeup from the pig suit seeped into my ear and got into my bloodstream.
02:57
Artie Lange
I have hepatitis C. That's the bad kind, the kind Evel Knievel has. I need a liver.
03:01
Debra Wilson
Oh my god, Artie, you could have my liver.
03:03
Artie Lange
Debra, you can't use a black person's liver. I can never get one of the nipples off. Finally, the glue seeped down, and now the nipple's on my ass. You guys know what it's like to have a nipple on your ass and the runs at the same time?
03:17
Artie Lange
Nicole, that question wasn't for you. Remember how mean you guys were to me that day? You kept saying, "You're a pig. You're a pig."
03:25
Debra Wilson
No, Artie, that was for the sketch.
03:26
Artie Lange
Yeah, those weren't lines.
03:27
Artie Lange
You guys said it to me before I was even in makeup. You said it to me as I was getting out of my car. Phil, you remember that Ford Contour I had?
03:34
Phil LaMarr
Oh, yeah, how was that car?
03:35
Artie Lange
I don't have it anymore. Ask me what kind of car I have.
03:39
Phil LaMarr
What kind of car do you have?
03:41
Artie Lange
Eldorado.
03:45
Debra Wilson
So, um, how are you? I mean, are you married, or...
03:48
Artie Lange
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm married. Ask me if my wife owns a watch.
03:53
Debra Wilson
Does your wife own a watch?
03:54
Artie Lange
No, ask me why.
03:56
Debra Wilson
Why doesn't your wife own a watch?
03:58
Artie Lange
Because I put a clock above the stove.
04:03
Phil LaMarr
Artie, I think you better go.
04:05
Artie Lange
All right, I'll go, but before I go. Nicole, have you ever seen the Mark Twain's America on the big IMAX screen?
04:11
Nicole Sullivan
No, but I love IMAX movies.
04:13
Artie Lange
It's freaking fantastic.
04:14
Nicole Sullivan
Are you serious?
04:15
Artie Lange
I haven't seen it.
04:16
Debra Wilson
Okay, Artie, that's enough.
04:18
Artie Lange
All right, I'll go, but before I go, a word of advice. If you're going to live in this crazy town, if you're going to do coke, don't do it in front of a cop while you're taking a swing on this fruity partner, while you're calling him a fruity partner. You don't go for that. Weird town. Go figure.
04:35
Herself
Okay. 100 episodes. Yeah, the big one-oh-oh. 100, 100, hmm? Good job.