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Stuart Plays Tee-Ball
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
The premise
Here’s the bit.
Doreen Larkin enrolls her son Stuart on a tee-ball team that is one player short, then frets to the coach about flying bats and broken bones. Stuart wanders back with a taquito he found by the dugout, and Doreen forces him to recite her grim rule about taquitos before snatching it away. The coach's friendly attempts to greet Stuart are met with recoiling, Stuart announces he is not allowed to hit, and Doreen inspects him for his protective cup before running off to fetch it. Alone with Stuart, the coach struggles to position him at the tee and finally urges him to picture whatever makes him angry. Stuart erupts, chasing the coach around the cage with the bat until the coach snaps and threatens him, just as Doreen returns, takes Stuart's side and storms off with him.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 3
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Coach: "What makes you mad, Stuart?" Stuart: "The world."
Stuart: "Taquitos go in one end and they explode out the other."
Stuart: "Look what I can do!"
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Coach
Well, thanks for signing your little boy up for T-Ball there, Mrs. Larkin. We were one player short.
- 00:04
Doreen Larkin
Well, he's so active, he'll be a regular Babe DiMaggio for you. But I'm so worried, what with the bats and the balls flying around, I don't want him coming home in an ambulance with a broken collarbone.
- 00:18
Coach
Well, it's just T-Ball. I wouldn't get too worried. By the way, where is your boy?
- 00:23
Doreen Larkin
Boy, I had him here with me a minute ago. going? Oh, there he is. He's over by the snack shack. Where did all over here right now and meet your coach, Dad!
- 00:45
Doreen Larkin
Well, Stuart, where you get that taquito? Where did you get the taquito?
- 00:53
Stuart Larkin
I found it by the dugout.
- 00:55
Doreen Larkin
Well, you can't eat that. What does mama say about the taquito? What does mama say about the taquito?
- 01:03
Stuart Larkin
I don't want to say.
- 01:04
Doreen Larkin
Say it.
- 01:05
Stuart Larkin
I don't want to say.
- 01:06
Doreen Larkin
What? Say it.
- 01:06
Stuart Larkin
I don't want to say.
- 01:10
Stuart Larkin
Taquitos go in one end and they explode out the other.
- 01:15
Doreen Larkin
that's right so no don't you dare eat that oh gonna be cleaning out his undies for a week
- 01:24
Doreen Larkin
But no one ever meets your coach.
- 01:29
What?
- 01:33
Coach
hey there how you doing there partner how are you okay all right just trying to say hi
- 01:38
Doreen Larkin
he doesn't like to be touched
- 01:39
Coach
he's got some spunk in him though that's good that's good you ever hit a you ever hit a t-ball there stewart
- 01:44
Doreen Larkin
oh gee oh he's so active
- 01:50
Coach
yeah he's uh he's He's... he's something. Stuart, you ever hit a ball before?
- 01:57
Stuart Larkin
I'm not allowed to hit.
- 01:59
Coach
Okay, well, today you're allowed to hit, Stuart. All right? And I want you to hit really hard, all right?
- 02:02
Doreen Larkin
I don't like the sounds of that. Well, Stuart, where's where's your cat where's your go-go protector? Go Where's your-go protector.
- 02:17
Stuart Larkin
On I left it the drinking fountain.
- 02:21
Doreen Larkin
Oh. Stuart, I'll go get it.
- 02:24
Coach
Yeah, you better go.
- 02:25
Coach
Okay, Stuart, hey, huh? No, over here. Stuart, over here. Look, it's just the boys now, huh? Just the men. All right, now, step up to the... I'm going to show you how to stand here.
- 02:33
Coach
Now, let me get your step. Okay, I want to get.
- 02:35
Stuart Larkin
You don't know how to.
- 02:36
Coach
Stuart, I'm just going to get your elbows down there.
- 02:38
Stuart Larkin
I'm going to get it up.
- 02:38
Coach
All right, Stuart.
- 02:39
Stuart Larkin
Just let me get up.
- 02:41
Coach
All right. Okay, you just.
- 02:42
Stuart Larkin
I'm going to.
- 02:42
Coach
All right. You know what?
- 02:44
Stuart Larkin
Hands off.
- 02:45
Coach
All right. There you go. You go for it. Go ahead and swing.
- 02:46
Stuart Larkin
I'm not going to.
- 02:51
Coach
Swing at the ball.
- 02:52
Stuart Larkin
I can't. I can't.
- 02:59
Coach
No, No, no. See, Stuart. What did I tell you, son?
- 03:03
Stuart Larkin
You don't know how to do it.
- 03:04
Coach
Now, let me show you. All right? All right, son?
- 03:06
Coach
you're gonna you're gonna want to get
- 03:07
Coach
okay stuart listen get square up all right
- 03:11
Coach
i want you to square up and look at the ball all right and get mad at it stuart get mad at the ball go through the ball all right
- 03:16
Coach
does anything make you mad stuart does anything make you mad
- 03:18
Stuart Larkin
yes
- 03:19
Coach
what makes you mad stuart
- 03:22
Stuart Larkin
the world
- 03:23
Coach
all right All then why don't you think of uh the world and uh swing the ball all right
- 03:37
Coach
Get angry and swing at the ball, Stewart! Swing at it! Get mad, Stewart! Go right through the ball! Get mad, Stewart! Come on!
- 03:43
Coach
Oh, no! No, no! No, no! No, put the ball down! Now you're playing the wrong sport with the ball! Come on, Stewart! Just put the ball over it!
- 04:00
Coach
Put the bat down! Come on! Give me that bat so I can break your ugly head off!
- 04:04
Doreen Larkin
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- 04:06
Coach
I'm getting started.
- 04:07
Doreen Larkin
Oh, what kind of t-ball team is this? Come on, Stuart, we're leaving.
- 04:12
Stuart Larkin
Look what I can do.
- 04:15
Yeah. Yeah! Waaah! Waaah! Mmm! Waaah!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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