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Stuart Visits His Father
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Stuart Larkin's mother Doreen is trying to get him ready for a weekend with the father he hardly sees, a visit a judge ordered after Stuart's habit of going around nearly naked. The oversized, hyperactive man-child hides in the doorway in his briefs, whines, flops over the couch and bends his legs into impossible positions, and Doreen counters with their usual catechism of things Mama says and a cookie to bribe him. Both of them admit they have never been apart for a whole weekend, and after an emotional goodbye Stuart heads out. He is back almost immediately, having already fallen out with his dad over a car-window stunt, and the two settle on the couch again, trading barbs and cookies and agreeing they deserve each other.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
When little boys whine, it's like saying to the kidnappers, take me first.
Little boys who talk dirty grow up to be Democrats.
I want to practice picking things up with my feet in case my hands ever get amputated.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:10
Doreen Larkin
Stilett! Stilett! Come on out, your father will be here any minute!
- 00:26
Stuart Larkin
Tell daddy i'm dead
- 00:31
Doreen Larkin
sir we've been over this a thousand times you have to spend the weekend with your father
- 00:38
Stuart Larkin
but daddy never does anything fun he just sits around the house in his underwear and says oh baby oh baby the asian women on the phone
- 00:50
Doreen Larkin
well I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about it. Your father took me to court and ever since the judge found out about your fascination with being naked in public well Seems to think you need a male influence in your life.
- 01:05
Stuart Larkin
I don't need a male influence
- 01:07
Doreen Larkin
Be such a sour patch kid Which reminds me I couldn't find your bathing suit anywhere
- 01:19
Stuart Larkin
Why I'm wearing it!
- 01:36
Doreen Larkin
Come here!
- 01:44
Stuart Larkin
I can't! I'm too shy!
- 01:48
Doreen Larkin
Why don't you come on over here before I get mad?
- 02:00
Doreen Larkin
Don't what does mama say when little boys wine?
- 02:04
Stuart Larkin
When little boys whine it's like saying to the kidnappers take me first.
- 02:11
Doreen Larkin
That's right.
- 02:26
Doreen Larkin
this it's a little bit afraid I'm just afraid your Google's gonna fall out can Can you do anything
- 02:34
Stuart Larkin
yeah everything always
- 02:39
Doreen Larkin
Stuart, why does everything always have to be an argument with us
- 02:45
Stuart Larkin
well Yes, it does. Yes, it does. Yes, it does.
- 02:54
Doreen Larkin
but I
- 03:02
Doreen Larkin
You know what, think that judge was right you do need a male influence you've just gotten too big for me to discipline remember what happened the last time I tried to thank
- 03:12
Stuart Larkin
You broke a wooden spoon on my smelly slob.
- 03:20
Doreen Larkin
Stuart, don't talk dirty. What does mama say about little boys who talk dirty?
- 03:24
Stuart Larkin
little boys who talk dirty grow up to be Democrats.
- 03:32
Doreen Larkin
That's right. No, no. No cookies, absolutely not. Not hyper.
- 03:40
Stuart Larkin
Look what I did. do!
- 04:11
Doreen Larkin
That That suit is not holding at all. Well, that's it. Well, that's it. I am definitely... I I tell you, I am definitely gonna have you tested.
- 04:36
Doreen Larkin
That must be your father. oh
- 04:44
Doreen Larkin
He'll be on in a minute, Frank I said he'll be on in G.D. Minute, just call us!
- 04:54
Doreen Larkin
Oh, boy feel like a radical hysterectomy every time he comes around we've
- 05:07
Doreen Larkin
It's true, never been apart for a full weekend we've never been apart for a full hour are you scared
- 05:16
Stuart Larkin
I A little.
- 05:20
Doreen Larkin
Well Stuart, wish there was some way that I could make that feeling go away well
- 05:27
Stuart Larkin
How about a cookie?
- 05:30
Doreen Larkin
Well, all right but just one there you go
- 05:34
Stuart Larkin
no well
- 05:35
Doreen Larkin
Mama said just what! Oh! Ow!
- 05:39
Doreen Larkin
Well, you just... you just always find a way to play me don't you oh Beethoven, and you're a fiddle.
- 05:52
Stuart Larkin
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm a girl.
- 06:05
Doreen Larkin
there give mama a hug goodbye oh there we go are you gonna be a good boy for your father
- 06:20
Stuart Larkin
no
- 06:21
Doreen Larkin
Good, give him hell.
- 06:30
Stuart Larkin
Look what I've done! You've seen it! Yeah! Look what I can do. Wow.
- 06:58
Doreen Larkin
But, Stuart, what happened?
- 07:00
Stuart Larkin
Daddy and I got in a fight. I took off my shoes, and I put my feet up on the windshield, and then the windshield steamed up, and I said, i can write my name in the swag and then he said no don't do it and i said We and he went, ah, ah, ah.
- 07:23
Doreen Larkin
What about the weekend?
- 07:26
Stuart Larkin
He said, deserve each other.
- 07:28
Doreen Larkin
Well, we do.
- 07:30
Stuart Larkin
Yeah.
- 07:33
Doreen Larkin
You want a cookie? Make it feel better?
- 07:36
Stuart Larkin
Yeah, put it in between my toes. I want to practice picking things up with my feet in case my hands ever get amputated.
- 07:47
Doreen Larkin
Sorry, that is disgusting
- 07:49
Stuart Larkin
But practical
- 07:51
Doreen Larkin
No, don't you I were all done Don't
- 07:58
ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh old wine whine
- 08:14
Doreen Larkin
What does Mama say when little boys whine?
- 08:18
Stuart Larkin
When little boys whine It's like saying it's simple And can't remember my name
- 08:25
Take that Oh, Oh my no Sorry That's just too free
- 08:37
Doreen Larkin
Well, I'm just afraid you're... Well, I gotta check it out I'm afraid your personal candy is going to fall right out. You know, just test it out and see if you can do anything active in that.
- 08:56
Stuart Larkin
thing? No! Whoa!
- 08:59
Stuart Larkin
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- 09:01
Doreen Larkin
Sir, why does everything always have to be an argument with us?
- 09:05
Stuart Larkin
It doesn't.
- 09:06
Doreen Larkin
Yes, it does.
- 09:07
Stuart Larkin
I said it doesn't.
- 09:07
Doreen Larkin
it does too
- 09:08
Stuart Larkin
i said it doesn't why
- 09:11
Doreen Larkin
Well, I said it does.
- 09:12
Stuart Larkin
It doesn't.
- 09:13
Doreen Larkin
Yes, it does.
- 09:13
Stuart Larkin
It doesn't.
- 09:13
Doreen Larkin
Yes, it does.
- 09:14
Stuart Larkin
It doesn't.
- 09:14
Doreen Larkin
It does, too.
- 09:15
It does, too. AAAAAAAAA-
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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