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Christian Groupies

Mad TV 1996 Season 2 Episode 10

SKETCH-O-VISION

A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

Three wigged-and-wholesome groupies try to talk their way backstage to meet a Christian rock band, only to turn on each other and their own piety.

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Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

Outside the artists' entrance, three young women in matching band T-shirts try to bluff a hulking security guard into letting them in to see their favorite Christian rock group. Once turned away, they trade confessions about the band's members, each claim more scandalous than the last, and start policing one another's holiness with scripture. A prayer circle is interrupted when the band's long-haired member wanders out and offers to bring them backstage, and their devotion quickly gives way to temptation.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 5

Profile photo

Highly quotable.

Gosh, Jessica, Jesus forgives me. Why can't you?

Sister, judge not, lest ye be judged.

And do fun things with him in a fun, fun way.

ScriptEnglish · 49 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

00:04
Groupie
How that hurt! Come on! Let us back stage! Bible is my favorite band.
00:11
Groupie
Me too. Not only do they rock, but they love the Lord as much as we do.
00:15
Bouncer
Look, you need a laminated pass to get in.
00:17
Groupie
Yeah? Well, we know Mark, the bass player, and he told us to tell you to let us in. We also know Jesus Christ, and it is his will for you to let us in.
00:25
Bouncer
I can't let nobody in right now. The band's in the dressing room changing.
00:28
Groupie
You're changing?
00:32
Bouncer
Yeah.
00:32
Groupie
How big is his love for Jesus?
00:35
Bouncer
Like this.
00:36
Groupie
Oh! Oh, it's so big.
00:40
Bouncer
Listen up, girl. I don't know what your deal is, all right? But if you're real nice to me, maybe I'll let you in to see Aerosmith next week.
00:47
Groupie
Ah! Yuck! They're sinners. Forticators. The drummer smokes. A
00:56
Groupie
Tell Matthew I'm saving my virginity for him. And then I'll give it up for him in the confines of a true Christian marriage that... How sanctified by the Holy Spirit!
01:08
Groupie
So, Helen, how long have you been following Bible?
01:10
Groupie
Ever since the Lord entered my heart. I'm also a very big fan of Daily Bread. I did it with their lead singer, Noah.
01:17
Groupie
You did it?
01:18
Groupie
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Mm. A Pat Robertson's big revival house. Oh, praise Jesus.
01:28
Groupie
He had a coke addiction, and I had a really big boil, and it was lanced out by Jesus.
01:33
Groupie
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise Him!
01:35
Groupie
I did it with, um... I did it with Al from Ministry.
01:39
Groupie
They're not Christian.
01:41
Groupie
Well, I know that now, don't I? Gosh, Jessica, Jesus forgives me. Why can't you?
01:47
Groupie
I just don't know that if in my heart you are truly repentant...
01:51
Groupie
Woe, sister, judge not, lest ye be judged. Matthew 7, verse 1.
01:55
Groupie
Sisters, don't fight. In the words of the Bible, joy is a ham. The devil is not a ham. The cow is a cow. John
02:05
Groupie
Oh man, I love the sings that song. It is so Christian. But my favorite one is Luke the drummer. He is so hot. I really want to fun him.
02:18
Groupie
Fun him. And do fun things with him in a fun, fun way. Praise Jesus.
02:23
Groupie
Did you see his picture in Body and Blood magazine?
02:26
Groupie
No.
02:26
Groupie
His top button was unbuttoned. You could see his crucifix all the way down here.
02:29
Groupie
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Helen, Helen, come. Lick me. Dima, be gone.
02:38
Groupie
Hey, you guys want to pray?
02:39
Groupie
Sure.
02:42
Groupie
Dear Lord, help us to get in to see Bible so that we can marvel at your really cute creations. And let all young people accept Bible as true rockers.
02:51
Groupie
Oh, oh, but not the really cute girls.
02:53
Groupie
Right. And let Bible have a hit song and let their video be aired on MTV. And on daily rotation. Yes. Right. So that total glory can be given to who?
03:03
Groupie
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen!
03:08
Groupie
I love you so much.
03:16
Groupie
Could you sign my New Testament, please?
03:20
Band Member
Yeah, sure.
03:23
Groupie
To Helen. To Helen. Write neatly.
03:26
Groupie
Luke, I love you so much. Please, please take me into your backstage area. Please, please. And then we could, um, not do drugs. And then later we could not have really hot, sticky sex. And you could, um, not, not call me and pretend I never exist. Please, God! Please, God, take me! Please, God!
03:43
Band Member
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. No problem. No problem, man. Bring you backstage, introduce you to some of the guys. Maybe we'll baptize you in our hot tub, huh?
03:50
Groupie
Yes!
03:50
Groupie
Julie, you're a blasphemer! Julie, don't be a sinner. If you go with him, then Satan will surely put you down in hell, and you'll have to wash the feet of Ozzy Osbourne forever. Ooh!
04:02
Groupie
Good gosh, thanks. Forgive me! Prayer circle. Okay. Okay, dear Lord, forgive me the sins I was thinking of committing, I knew not what I- Guys?
04:19
Groupie
Guys? Let me in. Guys? let me in! Let me in! I want... I want him inside of me!
04:26
Groupie
Jesus! The light of Jesus inside of me when I'm alone at night.
04:42
Groupie
Before I have to do my Sunday, so, see ya.