Kid Beer

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:00
   

   Bill

   Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to be here today to present to you the future of the Corheisen Brewing Company. This new product is going to revitalize our sales throughout the country and bring us a brand new generation of loyal customers. I present to you, Kid Beer.

2. 00:23
   

   Board Member

   Um, I'm not sure that we can do that.

3. 00:26
   

   Bill

   Why not? This will make millions, billions. People love kids. People love beer. Put them together. Kid Beer.

4. 00:36
   

   Board Member

   But will kids like beer?

5. 00:38
   

   Bill

   Of course they will. It's highly addictive.

6. 00:40
   

   Board Member

   I don't know.

7. 00:41
   

   Bill

   Look, up until now, nobody has been marketing beer to children.

8. 00:45
   

   Board Member

   Yeah, why is that? I feel like there's a reason for that.

9. 00:48
   

   Bill

   And here's the best part. There's absolutely no reason for that.

10. 00:52
    

    Board Member

    Why don't I just Google it quick, just to make sure?

11. 00:54
    

    Bill

    No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Look, nobody ever got anywhere in life by Googling everything they did to make sure it was okay.

12. 01:01

    Speaker 3

    Yeah, those guys that made all that money off Google, they didn't Google it.

13. 01:05
    

    Board Member

    Isn't that why they ID people at bars and liquor stores?

14. 01:08
    

    Bill

    They don't do that anymore.

15. 01:10

    Speaker 3

    I haven't been ID'd in like 15 years.

16. 01:13
    

    Board Member

    Why don't I just Google it anyways, just to make sure?

17. 01:15
    

    Bill

    Get away from the computer.

18. 01:17
    

    Board Member

    You know, there's something about this whole thing that just doesn't sit right.

19. 01:20
    

    Bill

    Look, Darren, are you a lawyer?

20. 01:23
    

    Board Member

    Well, no.

21. 01:24
    

    Bill

    Then you admit that you have no idea what you're talking about.

22. 01:28
    

    Board Member

    Hey, you're right.

23. 01:29
    

    Bill

    Listen, even if there is some sort of glitch, we get legal to throw everything they've got at this problem, make it go away, and we are going to get the kids of this country wasted. Who's with me?

24. 01:38

    Speaker 2

    The love playing on the swangs, puppy dogs and fangs, and beer, I love Kid Beer. Kid Beer, beer for kids.

25. 01:59

    Speaker 1

    While the legal battle rages on in the courts, the damage may have already been done. Kid Beer has become the third most popular product in the United States, behind only water and cheese things. Playgrounds are empty, schoolyards are abandoned, and bars and saloons are filled with the pitter-patter of little feet. As everywhere at any time, little kids are getting plowed.

26. 02:22

    Speaker 2

    I woke up covered in flow up. I punched my mom.

27. 02:30

    Speaker 2

    I broke all my toys. I used to have fun drinking kid beer. Now I have to drink kid beer to have fun. Can't even watch cartoons anymore without having a Kid Beer first.

28. 02:42

    Speaker 2

    Kid Beer ruined my f***ing life, but I f***ing love it.

29. 02:49
    

    Bill

    I am a prick.

30. 02:50
    

    Board Member

    What? No, Bill.

31. 02:51
    

    Bill

    A stupid, selfish prick. A worthless piece of trash.

32. 02:55
    

    Board Member

    Don't be so hard on yourself.

33. 02:56
    

    Bill

    No, no, no, no, no. I came in here with a straight face and I sold you good people Kid Beer.

34. 03:03
    

    Board Member

    But Bill, Kid Beer's made us billions.

35. 03:05

    Speaker 3

    Yeah, I bought Google.

36. 03:06
    

    Bill

    Kid Beer is worthless. It's nothing. Nothing! You son of a bitch!

37. 03:10
    

    Board Member

    Wait, wait, wait! Let's hear him out!

38. 03:14
    

    Bill

    I came in here selling you people kid beer, but what I should have been selling was baby beer!

39. 03:26
    

    Bill

    Baby beer! Beer for babies! Are you tired of the same old, same old? Then crack open an ice cold bottle of baby beer! Baby Beer, Beer for Babies.

40. 03:44

    Speaker 1

    And now they've made beer for babies.

41. 03:47
    

    Board Member

    Baby Baby beer? Seriously? Baby beer?

42. 03:56

    Speaker 1

    But baby beer sold zillions.

43. 03:59
    

    Bill

    Embryonic beer.

44. 04:00
    

    Board Member

    What?

45. 04:01
    

    Bill

    We take an IV, we run it into the uterus, we replace the embryonic fluid with beer. Embryonic beer. They'll be completely surrounded by beer. They'll get so wasted in there. and they'll be completely addicted.

46. 04:15
    

    Board Member

    Bill, Bill, this idea is too good. I can't take this anymore.

47. 04:20

    Speaker 3

    He's right. The idea is too good.

48. 04:22

    Speaker 3

    The next logical step is oblivion.

49. 04:25
    

    Bill

    The idea is too good, it's breaking the universe.