Gandalf

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:01

   Speaker 1

   And by dropping the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom, Frodo vanquished Sauron forever and banished him from the land. Gandalf rescued Frodo from Mount Doom by sending a giant eagle into the mouth of the Great Volcano to pluck Frodo from certain death and return him safely to the Shire.

2. 00:19

   Speaker 1

   The Fellowship gathered one last time to celebrate their victory.

3. 00:25
   

   Gandalf

   Hobbits, dwarves, elves, and men, welcome back to the Shire. I've brewed some Hinkleberry Fizzy Wigs for you all to enjoy. Come, let us celebrate the end of this great war.

4. 00:38

   Speaker 2

   Gandalf, what the fuck?

5. 00:40
   

   Gandalf

   What is it, my little hobbit?

6. 00:42

   Speaker 2

   You want to tell me how the fuck long you had a giant goddamn eagle?

7. 00:46
   

   Gandalf

   Well, I've been friends with the eagle kind for longer than you'd care to know, or I'd care to remember.

8. 00:54

   Speaker 3

   Cut the shit, you old fruit. Frodo got stabbed in the arm by a Nazgul. That hurts!

9. 01:01
   

   Gandalf

   Um, well, I'm glad to see that everyone made it home from their journey.

10. 01:06

    Speaker 4

    Everyone didn't make it home from their journey. Boromir is dead! Asshole!

11. 01:11

    Speaker 5

    I got lost in the caverns of Mount Doom and had to fight a giant spider. I have nightmares every night.

12. 01:18
    

    Gandalf

    Well, we all have our nightmares that we must overcome and...

13. 01:23

    Speaker 3

    Everybody shut the fuck up! Gandalf! Why the fuck didn't you just give the ring of power to your eagle friend and let him drop it in the caverns of Mount Doom?

14. 01:35
    

    Gandalf

    Well, eagles cannot be trusted with that sort of immense power. I mean, uh, that sort of power can be very corrupting. So, you know, Frodo is young and stout, as hobbits all want to be, and he just you know i used him well

15. 01:57

    Speaker 5

    then you should have had the eagle carry me with the ring in my hand to mount doom then pick me up and bring me back home then we would have gotten all this done much more quickly and boromir would still be alive boromir

16. 02:08

    Speaker 4

    oh my god he's gone it's just sinking in it's final i fucking hate you i fucking hate you

17. 02:19
    

    Gandalf

    Enough! I am a wizard, and I will not be interrogated by the likes of you.

18. 02:28

    Speaker 6

    No, no, no. He's just using this fishing line going from his finger to that light switch over there.

19. 02:35

    Speaker 3

    I got a lead pipe in my hand that says this old fuck ain't magic. There's only one way to find out.

20. 02:41

    Rape him! RAPE HIM! RAPE HIM!

21. 02:45

    Speaker 1

    And rape him they did. Again and again, repeatedly and repeatedly, they would rape him to death's door and then nurse him back to health. And then rape him back to death's door. They did it again and again throughout the centuries. Gandalf raping became a tradition passed down from ancestor to ancestor, generation to generation.

22. 03:06

    Speaker 1

    A holiday was created called Gandalf Raping Day. And on this day, once a year, they would stop raping Gandalf and nurse him back to health. But, as sure as the sun would rise the next day, the raping was right back on. Until one day in the year 1120 Teenth, a mischievous young hobbit by the name of Gudu forgot what day it was and raped Gandalf on Gandalf Raping Day, thus not allowing him time to be nursed back to health and killing him.

23. 03:33

    Speaker 1

    Everyone thought this was hilarious and erected a giant statue of Gudu that stands in Hobbiton Square to this very day.