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Porcupine Racetrack

The State1995Season 3Episode 6
The State
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.

The setup

At a crowded porcupine racetrack, gamblers, a society couple, a desperate priest and the slowest porcupine in town each get their own big musical number.

Watch on Vimeo
Watch onVimeo

Community rating

– / 10

The premise

Here’s the bit.

An on-camera introduction explains that MTV asked the troupe not to make this piece before the curtain rises on a full-dress Broadway-style production number at a porcupine racetrack. A bugler starts the day and the whole crowd celebrates the races in song and dance. A well-dressed racegoer is handed a racing form by a newsboy, touts and bettors push their picks, and a man in a magenta suit stakes everything on a supposed sure thing. A priest privately begs heaven for a winner to save his orphanage, and finally a scruffy porcupine steps forward to sing that being the slowest racer will not stop him before the company joins in a big finale.

The funny people

Meet the cast. 10

Various roles including racetrack patron with dance solo

David Wain

Various roles including racetrack patron with dance solo

Say it with us

Highly quotable.

MTV asked us specifically to please not do this skit, but we really like it.

Behind the scenes

The people who made it.

A little extra

Notes from the archive.

Thomas Lennon pitched the sketch exactly as it aired and it was never revised. Michael Patrick Jann directed it on film in a single day, with a score by Teddy Shapiro, opera singers on the backing vocals and the troupe playing several parts each. David Wain's dance break keeps a fall from the only take. The State later performed it live at SF Sketchfest in 2009 and remotely in a 2020 version with Shapiro on piano.

ScriptEnglish · 20 turns

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

  1. 00:00

    Okay, here's the deal MTV asked us specifically to please not do this skit, but we really like it We think it'll be ten times more popular than the guy who says I'm out of here So now for your viewing enjoyment a little something we like to call porcupine racetrack

  2. 00:13

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Porcupine Racetrack, Porcupine, Porcupine, Porcupine Racetrack, Porcupine, Porcupine, Porcupine Racetrack,

  3. 00:35

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    watch them porcupines go.

  4. 00:40

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Go, Porcupines go, go, go, go, you porcupines never be slow.

  5. 00:44

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Go, you porcupines, go, go, go, for all those lots of dough.

  6. 00:50

    Mr. Johnson

    It's a marvelous day at the Porcupine Racetrack. We'll watch them little porkeys run. The sun, the track, and porcupines. A recipe for fun.

  7. 01:04

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Racing for him, Mr. Johnson?

  8. 01:06

    Mr. Johnson

    Why, thank you, Jimmy. Here, get yourself a licorice whip.

  9. 01:09

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    I got a pick for you boys. This porcupine has to win.

  10. 01:16

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Yeah!

  11. 01:16

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    He's strong and fast and ready.

  12. 01:18

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    And loaded up with gin.

  13. 01:19

    Gambler

    I'm putting my dough on lightning, because it says here he's a sure thing. And the odds are five to four. But, boy, I hope that he's not slower. Otherwise, then this here Joe will be back on Skid Row.

  14. 01:33

    Priest

    I I know know that I'm a sinner, but I really need a winner. Or the orphanage will close

  15. 01:59

    Priest

    So God, if you're above And it's orphans that you love Then please help the porcupine I chose

  16. 02:10

    Porcupine

    I'm the slowest porcupine in town But knowing that, don't get me down It's just that they don't see

  17. 02:24

    Porcupine

    So when they blow that whistle I will move my little bristles Cause there's nothing stopping me me

  18. 02:38

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    At the work you find Work you find Race track Race track

  19. 02:53

    Various roles including racetrack patron

    Above Above Above Above Above

  20. 03:31

    Oh, my God.

The rabbit hole continues

One more couldn’t hurt.

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