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Mrs. Wiggins: The Vacation
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
When Mrs. Wiggins reveals that her vacation will be spent in Las Vegas, Mr. Tudball sets up a small office table for blackjack, puts on a green dealer's visor and insists they play for real money, despite having promised his wife he had given up gambling. Wiggins barely follows the rules yet keeps beating him, and a double-or-nothing card-guessing bet meant to win his money back only adds to her winnings. As she heads out, Mrs. Tudball calls, and Wiggins uses the threat of mentioning the afternoon's card game to turn her one-week vacation into two.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
Where the roof meets the goof.
No, I got a piece of the rock.
Trying to beat you is like trying to water ski behind a rowboat.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
One of the Mr. Tudball and Mrs. Wiggins installments from the show's tenth season, first broadcast on CBS on February 12, 1977, in the episode with guest star Eydie Gormé.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:13
Mr. Bernie Tudball
I got some things in here I want to check over with you. You better get in here right now or Jiffy will make a real snappity whiz bang. Could you shake a leg?
- 00:38
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
You wanted to see me?
- 00:44
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Just the one to wait for your shadow to catch up with you. Just a wonderin' of where you're goin' on your vacation. I imagine you're probably goin' on an ocean voyage. You should have an opening in a banana boat somewhere.
- 01:05
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
I'm going to Las Vegas.
- 01:07
Mr. Bernie Tudball
To Las Vegas? Oh, I wish I was going to Las Vegas. I like that town. I say you ought to go to that new restaurant that they got there in Las Vegas on the roof of that really tall building.
- 01:17
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
What's that?
- 01:18
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Well, it'd be really nice for you there. As a matter of fact, you could be their new slogan. Where the roof meets the goof.
- 01:31
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
I didn't know that you approved of the gambling anyway. Well, I don't, but since I'm going to be there, I thought it might be kind of fun to learn.
- 01:39
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Oh, well, you ought to try the blackjack.
- 01:42
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Who's he?
- 01:45
Mr. Bernie Tudball
The he? Black Jack is a gamer that you play with the cards. Yeah, you have to learn how to play that.
- 01:50
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Is it hard?
- 01:52
Mr. Bernie Tudball
It's really simple for some people, of course. Just you got the dealer and he gives you two cards and then he gets you two cards and the one that comes the closest to 21 wins.
- 02:03
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Wins what?
- 02:05
Mr. Bernie Tudball
You win however much money you bet.
- 02:08
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Oh, I don't understand.
- 02:13
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Uh, wait a minute. You got a few minutes before you go on your vacation. Um, how would you like me to teach you that game, huh?
- 02:21
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Oh, would you?
- 02:22
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Sure. Tell you what. Why don't you go get your purse, and I'll teach you that game.
- 02:27
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Are we gonna play for real money?
- 02:30
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Well, you might as well have learned the hard way right from the start.
- 02:33
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
But I thought your wife got you to promise that you wouldn't gamble anymore.
- 02:38
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Well, uh, you see, we wouldn't have to tell all the p-p-p-p-punkin' about it. Just, uh, kinda just to work it out here among us. Get your purse.
- 02:47
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Okay.
- 02:54
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Boy, here's a chance to pick up a couple of bucks from that cluckhead in the purse, you know. Boy.
- 03:03
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
That's my purse. What's this?
- 03:06
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Well, see, this is how it would be in the Las Vegas. Vegas. You would have your black jacket table and your black jacket chair and your black jacket cards and be the black jacket dealer.
- 03:17
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
Hi.
- 03:17
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Where are my cards?
- 03:24
Mr. Bernie Tudball
You don't get any cards until you put your money on the table.
- 03:27
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Oh, okay.
- 03:35
Mr. Bernie Tudball
What's that supposed to be?
- 03:37
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
It's a nickel.
- 03:40
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Oh, Mr. Pit Boss, the west coast the monies are here just a nickel here in the las vegas you got the best two dollars up there two dollars that's right that's all to make up these rules the house of rules is the house of the rules
- 03:58
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
what's that thing for
- 04:06
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
oh that's my police whistle i have that in case some wise guy ever tries to molest me
- 04:13
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
some guy ever tried to molest you I wouldn't exactly call him a wise okay just to put that right there it's kind of for you in the car for me there's your two cards turn the one up there
- 04:31
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
can I look at the cards
- 04:37
Mr. Bernie Tudball
well you could either do that or I could show you the rest of these you try Try to figure out what's missing as you look at the cards. Want to take them home and study them overnight?
- 05:04
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
What does an A mean?
- 05:07
Mr. Bernie Tudball
That's an ace. Now, do you count that either as a one or an 11?
- 05:11
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
I got this A and I got this man. what's the little fella wearing this kind of a long flowing robe and a page boy hairdo and a golden crown and he's carrying a sword
- 05:37
Mr. Bernie Tudball
that's either a king or a guy trying to get on let's make a deal give me those cards oh you see you dumb o'clock you got the 21 there that's a black Jack and the fortunately if you win I just come up with a few backs here let's see you bet the two so you get to you get the three dollars there
- 05:59
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
but I only bet two why do I get three
- 06:03
Mr. Bernie Tudball
because you had to blackjack Jackie get the one and a half times the money that you bet
- 06:10
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
oh I don't get it
- 06:11
Mr. Bernie Tudball
you You don't have to get it, you got it!
- 06:15
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
This is an easy game, I'll bet it all.
- 06:19
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Oh, wonderful. Good news there. All right. Oh, boy. All right, now see, I got an ace of showing. All right, so now the dealer would ask it to you. Do you want to buy the insurance?
- 06:33
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
No, I got a piece of the rock.
- 06:39
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Looks like you're sitting on a couple of their boulders.
- 06:47
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
Well?
- 06:48
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
well well what do you want me to hit you are you mad because i won before you on another the card
- 06:57
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
no all right let's see there i got the 15 let's see it the 20 27 bust on that one
- 07:15
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
what do you
- 07:16
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
have two threes
- 07:18
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
can't stay with the two trees in this game that's the dome
- 07:33
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
i won didn't i
- 07:34
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
sure you can't beat the looney tune five more skins i lost the two that boy i'm telling you
- 07:45
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
all right now i've got ten dollars and i started out with two so that means i made eight dollars
- 08:01
Mr. Bernie Tudball ?
to work wait a minute hold it hold it aren't you gonna give me a chance to get my money back?
- 08:10
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
Oh, no.
- 08:14
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Wait, hold it. Wait a minute. Boy, if my wife finds out that I lost that money, I'll tell you what, how would you like a chance to double that eight of dollars?
- 08:27
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Double it? Gee, if I doubled it, then I'd have... Be two hands, two feet, minus four toes. Sixteen.
- 08:39
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Right. What do you say, huh?
- 08:43
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
What do I have to do?
- 08:45
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Well, let's see. I'll tell you what. You just pick a card, and I'll tell you what the card that is. And if I don't, then you win. If I do, then I win.
- 08:53
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Okay.
- 08:54
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Right. Before we get started, what's that card you're holding?
- 08:58
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Four of hearts.
- 08:59
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Right. The card you're holding is the four of hearts. So give it to eight bucks, and let's see.
- 09:03
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Or is it spades?
- 09:07
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Let's see that.
- 09:09
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
That's a club.
- 09:11
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?
And it was a four of hearts, so I win.
- 09:23
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Trying to beat you is like trying to water ski behind a rowboat. There.
- 09:29
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Well, I'd better go now. I'll see you in one week, Mr. Tudball.
- 09:35
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Oh, boy, if Mrs. Tudball ever finds me. Listen, now, before you go, I don't want you to say anything to Mrs. Tudball about this, because you do, she'll break all four of my pins.
- 09:46
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
So?
- 09:47
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Just don't tell her, Mrs. Jaws.
- 09:52
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Tugball. We were just talking about you.
- 09:59
Mr. Bernie Tudball
Don't tell her about the gambling.
- 10:02
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Well, why don't you just not tell her the truth and tell her a little white lie?
- 10:06
Mr. Bernie Tudball
I can't lie to her about the gambling. Every time I lie to her about the gambling, I start to tease, tease, tease, tease the daughter. Then she knows I'm telling her to wax me.
- 10:16
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
Well, I don't know what to do. should i tell her what we were talking about or should i just leave for my two-week vacation
- 10:28
Mr. Bernie Tudball
you don't got to know a two-week vacation you got to run the week of vacation
- 10:33
Mrs. Wanda Wiggins
mrs chud ball you know what we were doing
- 10:35
Mr. Bernie Tudball
goodbye mrs wiggins have a lot of fun on your two-week vacation
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
More from The Carol Burnett Show.
