Mrs. Wiggins' Pet Funeral

Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.

1. 00:36
   

   Mr. Bernie Tudball

   Mrs. Higgins, could you kind of whiz along with this thing? I've got a lot of work to do back at the office.

2. 00:45
   

   Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

   Mr. Tudball, this is a moment of grief, and I cannot be expected to make a snap decision.

3. 00:55
   

   Mr. Bernie Tudball

   Don't you see how a rubber band of your age could possibly make a snap decision? To tell you on the way over that the things that come and the things that go. I mean, you just got to expect that. that's the law of the jungle and they want to quit doing that to get in my sears and sucker suit

4. 01:23

   Funeral Director ?

   all may I assist you

5. 01:34
   

   Mr. Bernie Tudball

   I'll tell you prune puss it's her that you're looking to assist that she's the one that's a moaning

6. 01:47

   Funeral Director ?

   you mean mourning

7. 01:49
   

   Mr. Bernie Tudball

   no she's a moaning their feet

8. 01:52

   Funeral Director

   my name is mr. Crothers and I would like to welcome you to pet heaven may I ask what loved one did you lose

9. 02:07
   

   Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

   my canary died

10. 02:09

    Funeral Director

    well may I assure you that we here at pet heaven share in your that's

11. 02:22
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    wonderful news of falcon fingers but there's not a lot a lot of a grief to to share here. She only had the bird for 10 minutes. How

12. 02:35

    Funeral Director

    did our little friend meet his maker? Well,

13. 02:37
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    I brought him home from the pet store, and I put him in his little cage. What

14. 02:48
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    happened was, you see, the canary did the grunty in the cage there, and the bird woman here decided to clean it up, only she used a vacuum cleaner. cleaner. She accidentally socket him up. He's up in the big hoover in the sky. I

15. 03:22
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    hardly knew him. I

16. 03:25
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    hardly knew him either, and she's the one that sent me down to the dump to identify the bodies. I told her that I would pay for the funeral here, sir. May

17. 03:42

    Funeral Director

    I assure you and and the foreign gentlemen that we here at Beth Helen do share in your sorrow. Thank

18. 03:49
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins ?

    you. Now,

19. 03:53
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    like I say, there ain't a great deal of sorrow to share here. The big sorrow is that I got to spring for some big bucks to put this eagle to the rest, you know what I mean? What

20. 04:03

    Funeral Director

    was the little fellow's name while he was with us? His

21. 04:06
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    name was Cheaper. And

22. 04:11
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    that's also how I'd like it to see him go. let's

23. 04:18

    Funeral Director

    see what we have to offer will this be an opened or closed canary casket excuse

24. 04:29
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    me a minute i'm gonna talk it to the widow here um yeah look uh would you kind of hustle this along this place has given me the heebies and the jeebies what do you think about that to close the casket i

25. 04:43
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    don't know i think i i think i would like to see him the way he was i

26. 04:51
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    don't think that's a good idea i mean after all that the dude went through eight feet of hose in two seconds it's gonna take a couple of guys just to get them eyes shut on that what do you say we just uh slam the lid on this little song stuff we

27. 05:25

    Funeral Director

    have this uh solid walnut with brass hardware that that would be fifty dollars we have this beautiful solid oak that would be $75. Either

28. 05:38
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    one would be fine. Oh,

29. 05:40
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    and, uh, 50 or 75. Uh, excuse me. She's in a shock. I'm gonna talk to her. 50 or $75. Now, look, don't let your grief run away with my wallet. Uh, what did you pay for that bird, anyway? $6.

30. 05:57
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    He was $8, but he didn't sing, so I got him for six well

31. 06:03
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    if he was ever going to sing I imagine you'd have heard the tune out of him when you hit him with that the nozzle well

32. 06:13
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    Mr. Tudball I just want him to go out in style in

33. 06:17
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    the style huh sure just a minute now you paid the six dollars for a mute and you want me to lay out the fifty big ones for a little walnut the box here well

34. 06:26
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    if he could have talked he would have wanted it that way if

35. 06:30
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    he could have talked he would have said the shut off the hoover excuse

36. 06:42

    Funeral Director

    me but may i remind you that that that both caskets are corrosion proof and guaranteed to last forever well

37. 06:53
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    may i remind you that we're not looking to dig this thing up every week to see how to do it oh

38. 06:59

    Funeral Director ?

    i see i'm

39. 07:17
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    not going to lay out any 50 bucks but

40. 07:20
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    you said you'd pay for 50

41. 07:22
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    bucks you could buy a squadron of canaries look I'll tell you what why don't we just pick up a little flag and then we take it the ferry home and bury him at the sea make a large donation in his name into the st. Louis Cardinals all

42. 07:41
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    of a sudden you're just so worried about your own money you didn't seem to mind losing $63 last Saturday night playing poker that's

43. 07:50
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    a whole all a different a ting? I

44. 07:54
    

    Mrs. Wanda Wiggins

    don't know if it's a different a ting or not. What if Mrs. Tudball knew? Now,

45. 08:00
    

    Mr. Bernie Tudball

    how is a Mrs. Tudball possibly going to find out that I lost the $63 in the . You wouldn't have tell the old beauty, would you? All right, to hit me with one of those a wall not to match boxes.