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Non-Violent Theatre: The Plot to Hurt Hitler
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Billed as a program that obeys the network's policy on violence, this World War II spy spoof is set in a German beer hall. Officer Heinz Spritzer receives a secret message from a waitress, admits he has a habit of swallowing such notes before reading them, and waits for his brother Lepke, who turns out to wear a matching eye patch. A second undercover waitress coaches Lepke on a clumsy recognition signal before the three gather around a large bomb. Every scheme to stop the Führer is ruled too violent, so the conspirators settle on a humiliating prank instead. When Hitler and his soldiers burst in to catch them, the punishment he orders turns out to be just as harmless.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 5
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
First you read it, then you swallow. I always make that mistake.
You have mother's eye.
You send it to Reader's Digest for embarrassing moments.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Presented under the banner "Non-Violent Theatre" after a title card promising that the program conforms to the network's policy on violence. Guest Carl Reiner plays Heinz opposite Harvey Korman as his brother Lepke. TheTVDB and IMDb place it in season 6, episode 12 (November 29, 1972).
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:01
The following TV program conforms to the current network policy on violence nonviolent theater presents The
- 00:09
Porch. the plot to hurt Hitler Otherwise, I don't respect it.
- 00:25
Beer Hall Waitress
Out you hang spritzer about on undercover
- 00:28
Heinz Spritzer ?
spy
- 00:29
Beer Hall Waitress ?
why because I have a message for you after After you read it
- 00:36
Heinz Spritzer
First you read it, then you swallow. I always make that mistake.
- 00:40
Beer Hall Waitress ?
Go to the bar, but go to the
- 00:43
Heinz Spritzer ?
bar.
- 00:43
Yeah We are all set, Heinz. Your brother, Lepke, will be arriving in a few minutes.
- 00:57
Waitress
We are all set, Heinz. Your brother Lepke will be arriving in a few minutes
- 01:07
Heinz Spritzer ?
what did you
- 01:08
Waitress ?
say i just told
- 01:10
Heinz Spritzer ?
you i didn't hear you i was
- 01:11
Waitress ?
whistling becky will be arriving in a
- 01:15
Heinz Spritzer ?
few minutes good how will i
- 01:18
Waitress ?
recognize him you will see a family resemblance good idea now get your friends out of here but do
- 01:25
Heinz Spritzer ?
it discreetly discreetly leave us to
- 01:29
Heinz Spritzer ?
to
- 01:29
me. Gentlemen? What is
- 01:35
Heinz Spritzer
it, Heinz? I'm going to have to ask you to leave. We are constructing a diabolical plot against the Fuhrer. Now get out! How is that?
- 01:46
Heinz Spritzer ?
Lemke? Lemke?
- 01:59
Lepke Spritzer
Heinz, is it really you? Let me have a look. Oh, Heinz, you have
- 02:11
Heinz Spritzer ?
mother's eye. Yes, and I have perfect
- 02:17
20 vision sit down To Hans, I see you then move your head slightly to the right There
- 02:35
Beer Hall Waitress ?
I am I have
- 02:38
Heinz Spritzer ?
a message. I'll
- 02:39
Beer Hall Waitress ?
take that. You did
- 02:41
it again!
- 02:42
Beer Hall Waitress ?
I'll give you Go
- 02:44
Lepke Spritzer ?
to the bar. Yeah Yeah. Excuse me
- 02:50
Waitress
for a moment. You are Lepke Deans? Yeah. Pretend you do not
- 03:07
Lepke Spritzer ?
know me.
- 03:08
Waitress ?
I don't. I'm sorry. Right. Listen, I have something important
- 03:16
Lepke Spritzer ?
to tell you. Go
- 03:17
Waitress ?
ahead. I'm whistling. The important message is your brother is sitting over there.
- 03:29
Lepke Spritzer ?
That's it?
- 03:30
Waitress ?
No, wait. When you go back to the table... Yeah. You call to me, and you say, Vetris, woo-hoo, you got any pretzels? Yeah. You got that? Yeah. Let me hear it.
- 03:41
Vetris, woo-hoo. No, no, no. Woo-hoo. No, woo-hoo comes first? Yeah, no. Vetris, woo-hoo. No, Vetris. Vetris. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo. Good, good. No, not this. I I forgot what it was. Oh, yeah. It's you, Vetris. No, no. Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo. You got any pretzels? Any pretzels? Good. I got it. Good. You forgot your limb.
- 04:14
Heinz Spritzer ?
All right. Waitress! You WOOHOO WOOHOO WOOHOO You're got any
- 04:26
pretzels? No. We have a message. Please, please, I'm full. I'll take it. I didn't have
- 04:37
Waitress ?
any lunch. For the good of all mankind, it is imperative that we
- 04:45
get Hitler. Oh,
- 04:46
Lepke Spritzer ?
that Hitler. I'd like to take this bomb, put it under his chair and blow him to a
- 05:18
Waitress ?
million pieces. Wait, wait, wait, wait, we can't kill him. That is too
- 05:22
violent. Yes, remember, no violence. Oh, that's right, yes.
- 05:24
Waitress ?
I have a plan. Yeah. I walk up to the Fuhrer and I say, Hiya, Hitler, how you doing? Yeah. And if he's not looking, I grab him and I give him a hickey right here.
- 05:34
No, no, I like that, I like that. No, no, no, her hickeys are
- 05:38
Heinz Spritzer
too violent. I have a plan. You are behind the lamppost. Yeah. You are concealed in the doorway. When Hitler is walking along in the street, I come in a speeding car jump out and hang a sign around his back that says kick
- 05:53
Lepke Spritzer ?
me What do
- 05:55
Heinz Spritzer ?
I do you take a picture of him and me you send it to Reader's Digest for
- 06:01
embarrassing moments Your diabolical plot oh this is the end yeah he's heartless he will show us no mercy up against the bar at least we tried yeah we all go together ready let Wait
- 06:28
a minute, Hitler, no violence right
- 06:31
Hitler ?
tickle No! Tickle!
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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