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Steven He Sells Cheap Headstones
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
At a funeral parlor, a brother and sister balk when their grandfather's heartfelt epitaph comes to $3,000 at a per-character engraving rate and ask to get it near $500. The salesman and his brother oblige by wheeling out progressively shorter stones: a breezy farewell, a text-speak goodbye with no room for a name, a misspelled one-word inscription, a boxing-style abbreviation and a QR code that links to a burger restaurant's menu. The discount rack only has a stone reading "Murdered," which the salesman offers to amend to "Murderer," before suggesting a burial under a BMX track or slotting grandpa in vertically to save space. Then a phone call from the police leaves the siblings asking to see the "Murderer" stone again.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 4
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
I feel like dead is implied.
Our grandpa's dead. He's not worried about where to grab lunch.
Why do you have a BMX course over graves? We're not doing that.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
From the Studio C Season 19 episode "Emotional Damage with Steven He," first broadcast on BYUtv on October 21, 2024, with YouTube comedian Steven He as guest star.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:00
Headstone Salesman
Thank you for entrusting my brother and I with your funeral service. Let's get started with the headstone engraving. Do we have a message prepared?
- 00:07
Granddaughter ?
Yes.
- 00:08
Granddaughter
Roger Dunn, husband, father, grandfather. Lifelong pilot who lifted others with his spirit. Rest in peace.
- 00:15
Headstone Salesman
Okay, and here is what that will look like.
- 00:20
Grandson
Oh, wow. $3,000 for the engraving?
- 00:24
Headstone Salesman
Yeah, yeah, engraving marble's not a walk in the park, you know. and I charge per character? Is that too expensive for you?
- 00:32
Grandson
Well, we're already spending quite a bit on the casket and service. Is there any way to get this closer to like 500?
- 00:39
Headstone Salesman ?
500.
- 00:44
Headstone Salesman
Okay, we could have some abbreviated, yeah. That one, okay. How about this one? Thanks Will, gotta go. Precise, straight to the point, in and out, was 550 before you are doing even 500. hundred
- 01:09
Grandson
yeah that feels a little disrespectful
- 01:11
Headstone Salesman
okay you don't like that moving on no problem we have yeah
- 01:16
Granddaughter
see you later teach you while from heaven love jipa why the lol feels like a tween girl wrote that in 1999
- 01:32
Grandson
plus this one doesn't have space for a name
- 01:35
Headstone Salesman
oh we can sharpie that in we can do that with you have a sharpie i can sell you a sharpie 40 bucks
- 01:40
don't like that
- 01:44
Headstone Salesman
okay no No problem, moving on. Let's see, what about, let's try, let's try the next one, yeah. Oh, you're gonna love this one.
- 02:03
Granddaughter ?
Dead D-E-D
- 02:05
Headstone Salesman ?
saved 90 bucks by removing the A.
- 02:09
Grandson
I feel like dead is implied.
- 02:14
Headstone Salesman
You'd be surprised. You want shorter, I can go shorter.
- 02:16
Granddaughter
We didn't say that.
- 02:17
Headstone Salesman
Okay. Yeah, that one right there, that one right there. Yeah. K-O, knockout. Like in boxing,
- 02:32
Salesman's Brother ?
but permanent.
- 02:34
Grandson ?
Is this a joke to you?
- 02:36
Headstone Salesman
No, no, I'm kidding, you're not really liking this. Okay, we can move on. What about, this one is a bit of a new tech, a prototype, if you will.
- 02:49
Granddaughter
Interesting, a QR code?
- 02:52
Headstone Salesman
Yeah, you can scan that, link it to wherever you want.
- 02:57
Granddaughter
It links to the Burger Barn menu?
- 02:58
Headstone Salesman
For now it does, but you, you can link it to whatever restaurant. I just chose my favorite.
- 03:11
Granddaughter ?
Our grandpa's dead. He's not worried about where to grab lunch.
- 03:15
Headstone Salesman
Really? I'm always worried about that. Okay. What about, we do have a discount rack we can take a look. Mmm, that one. By any chance, was your grandpa murdered?
- 03:45
Granddaughter ?
No.
- 03:47
Headstone Salesman
Okay, we can, we can cross out the D, make it an R.
- 03:50
Granddaughter ?
He wasn't a murderer either.
- 03:52
Headstone Salesman
Okay, there are other places to cut costs as well. Like, if we take him from the cemetery, bury him in a BMX bike course, save you $1,200.
- 04:02
Granddaughter ?
Why do you have a BMX course over graves? We're not doing that.
- 04:07
Headstone Salesman
Well, currently, he's slotted to go in hamburger style, as you can see. We could hot dog style him in for you, save you a lot of money.
- 04:18
Granddaughter ?
Hot dog?
- 04:26
Grandson
We are not slotting him in vertical.
- 04:32
Granddaughter
Hello? Yes? It's the police. My grandpa? Okay, thank you for calling. Can we take a look at that murderer one again?
- 04:47
Thank you for watching that sketch. We gotta go. And before we go, could you subscribe? Like for like. Follow for follow. follow. For legal reasons, that's a joke. Lolz, you are a cutie pie, TTYL. Okay, bye-bye. Be hags.
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One more couldn’t hurt.
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