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Debbie Downer: Christmas Eve w/ Santa Claus
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
Watch onYouTube
The premise
Here’s the bit.
On Christmas Eve 1978, Santa Claus (Jack Black) slides down a suburban chimney and finds young Debbie Downer still awake, fretting about the dust mites in her bed. After a Grinch-style animated title sequence casts her as the green-faced spoiler of the season, Santa tries to stay jolly while Debbie warns him off the milk left out for him, suggests the quiet houses he visits need carbon monoxide checks, and answers every toy he offers, from My Pretty Pony to an Easy-Bake Oven and roller skates, with a grim hazard or a labor abuse. Worn down, Santa asks for the family liquor cabinet and switches to scotch while she lists her gloomy practical wishes. He finally delights her with a calendar of medical oddities, and even his departure prompts one last morbid news-style forecast.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 2
Say it with us
Highly quotable.
You should check those houses for carbon monoxide. It's an odorless killer.
Not so pretty to the Taiwanese youth who are forced to assemble them under dire conditions.
This just in: Santa overcome by hypothermia. Millions go giftless.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
This Christmas edition aired on the December 17, 2005 episode hosted by Jack Black and shows Debbie as a child; Wikipedia notes that it contradicts her debut sketch by giving her surname as Downer. SNL Archives credits Steve Higgins as the singer of the animated opening's theme song. Season 31 was the first season of Saturday Night Live broadcast in high definition.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:09
Santa Claus
Oh, ho, Santy ho, ho, ho, ho, I see one little girl who does not snuggled in a bed.
- 00:21
Debbie Downer
It's hard to sleep knowing that you're sharing your bed with thousands of hungry dust mites. Thanks, Hugh Downs.
- 00:29
Mwah. Mwah.
- 00:34
Speaker 1
You're a downer, Debbie Dee, you really are a heel. You can't avoid a story if it's sad or grim or gory, Debbie Downer. Given the choice between having a conversation with you or having my face shredded by an eel, I'd pick the eel.
- 00:57
Debbie Downer
Santa, Santa, we left you milk and cookies.
- 01:06
Santa Claus
Delicious.
- 01:08
Debbie Downer
I wouldn't drink unrefrigerated dairy if I were you, unless diarrhea's on your Christmas list.
- 01:19
Santa Claus
Well, aren't you a sweet little girl. What's your name?
- 01:23
Debbie Downer
Debbie.
- 01:24
Santa Claus
Why, that's a beautiful name.
- 01:27
Debbie Downer
I'm named after my father's sister. She's estranged.
- 01:34
Santa Claus
Usually, when I come to houses, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.
- 01:41
Debbie Downer
You should check those houses for carbon monoxide. It's an odorless killer.
- 01:46
Blah, blah.
- 01:49
Santa Claus
Oh, ho, ho. Well, I hadn't thought of that.
- 01:53
Debbie Downer
That's the thing. So few do.
- 01:56
Debbie Downer
Can I still tell you what I want for Christmas? Or have I missed the window?
- 02:04
Santa Claus
Oh, of course you can. You sit right up on Santa's lap.
- 02:08
Debbie Downer
OK, but it might take a sec. Juvenile sciatica.
- 02:13
Santa Claus
Is that even a thing? Now, what would make you happy this Christmas? How about my pretty pony?
- 02:22
Debbie Downer
Hmm, not so pretty to the Taiwanese youth who are forced to assemble them under dire conditions.
- 02:29
Santa Claus
All right, how about this? Ah, an easy bake oven.
- 02:37
Debbie Downer
My Barbie doll might try to put her head in it.
- 02:42
Santa Claus
She is marrying Joseph, okay. Ah, how about a shiny new pair of roller skates?
- 02:49
Debbie Downer
Three broken fingers, two shattered kneecaps, and a hematoma of the scalp.
- 02:57
Santa Claus
Okay, look, Deb, here's the thing. I got about a kajillion houses to hit tonight, so think about what you want while I get a little refreshment.
- 03:07
Santa Claus
Do your parents have anything in the liquor cabinet?
- 03:10
Debbie Downer
Can do. The Downers have a long history of self-medicating.
- 03:15
Santa Claus
Okay, well, what say you hook me up with some of that in lieu of milk?
- 03:20
Debbie Downer
There you are.
- 03:21
Santa Claus
Thank you. Ho, ho, ho.
- 03:25
Debbie Downer
I think I know what I want now.
- 03:29
Santa Claus
Oh, well, why don't you tell Santa?
- 03:31
Debbie Downer
Okay. Dr. Scholl's ventilated insoles, the ones with the charcoal layer.
- 03:39
Debbie Downer
soap Soap on a rope, unscented.
- 03:43
Debbie Downer
and a cure for my cat's chronic maimed
- 03:48
Santa Claus
oh debbie Oh, Debbie, my dear you shouldn't worry your head about those gloomy things little ones should think about lollipops and rainbows and giving santa just one more kiss of scotch
- 04:05
Debbie Downer
here you go
- 04:07
Santa Claus
yes thank you Wait a minute, I think I have just the perfect gift for you. Here we are, that's it, that's it. Merry Christmas, Debbie.
- 04:21
Debbie Downer
It's a calendar of medical oddities. Wow, look at that goiter. This is the best Christmas ever.
- 04:32
Santa Claus
Well, I'm glad I could bring joy to your heart.
- 04:35
Debbie Downer
You were really starting to bring on my seasonal affective disorder.
- 04:40
Santa Claus
Oh, ho, ho, I gotta get out of here.
- 04:46
Debbie Downer
But Santa, it's so cold outside!
- 04:50
Debbie Downer
This just in, Santa overcome by hypothermia. Millions go giftless.
- 05:28
Speaker 2
We'll be right back.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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