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Birthday at Friendly's
SKETCH-O-VISION
A VERY GOOD USE OF YOUR TIME.
The setup
Watch on YouTube
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The premise
Here’s the bit.
Four friends settle into a Friendly's booth, delighted by the chain's old birthday song, until one of them admits he told the staff it was Jenny's birthday to score a free sundae. When waitress Daphne asks Jenny to swear on everything holy that it really is her birthday, she reluctantly does, and the restaurant transforms: the servers return in red hooded robes, drummers pound away, winged demons and the beast Lamashtu appear, and Jenny is made to drink from a chalice of blood. The staff explain that they check every birthday claim at the customer's birth hospital, and the blood awakens Mola Ram, who locks Jenny in a cage and tears out her heart. Her friends cheerfully go along with it as the waiters serve her heart on a sundae with a little ice-cream-cone hat, ending on a warning never to lie to Friendly's.
The funny people
Meet the cast. 17
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Highly quotable.
It's probably just unrelated tribal drumming and a live snake.
We send someone to the hospital you were born at!
We will eat the rest of your friend. But her heart is on the house.
A little extra
Notes from the archive.
Online versions of the sketch use the dress-rehearsal take of the heart-removal moment; in the live broadcast a stagehand visibly handed Marcello Hernández the heart prop after his line.
Script
Automatically generated script; wording may contain errors. Speaker labels are inferred.
- 00:02
Jenny ?
You You guys, this is so exciting. I haven't been to a Friendly's since I was a kid.
- 00:07
Patron ?
I know. I didn't even know Friendly's was still in business.
- 00:09
Patron ?
What are you, an idiot? They still have 100 locations throughout the East Coast.
- 00:13
Patron ?
All right. Please don't call me an idiot.
- 00:15
Patron ?
Well, you know, be one. You know.
- 00:17
Patron ?
Oh, it sounds like it's someone's birthday. Remember how they always do the birthday song?
- 00:24
Friendly's has a birthday song. Friendly's has a birthday song. It's not too short and not too long. Not too short and not too long. Sound off. Happy. Happy birthday, happy birthday to you.
- 00:38
Jenny ?
That was so fun!
- 00:42
Patron
Yeah, and guess what? I told them it was your birthday, Jenny.
- 00:46
Jenny
Me? But it's not my birthday.
- 00:49
Patron
Yeah, I know. What are you, an idiot too? I told them it was your birthday so we'd get the song on the free Sunday.
- 00:55
Jenny
I don't know. It feels really wrong to lie at friendlies.
- 00:58
Patron ?
Oh, it's fine. What are you going to do, get in trouble?
- 01:02
Daphne
Hello? We understand that somebody has a birthday at this table.
- 01:05
Patron ?
Uh, yeah, it's her. It's Jenny's birthday. She's turning 50.
- 01:11
Jenny ?
Excuse me?
- 01:12
Patron ?
I'm kidding, but it's her real birthday, though. For real, right, Jenny?
- 01:16
Jenny
Yeah. It's my birthday.
- 01:20
Daphne
And you swear it? Swear it? You swear to all the gods and all the heavens that this day, the 8th of March, this is indeed your true birthday.
- 01:36
Jenny ?
Guys, I don't like this.
- 01:38
Patron ?
Relax, Jenny, it is your birthday, so just swear it.
- 01:42
Daphne ?
Do. You. Swear.
- 01:44
Jenny ?
fine. You I swear
- 01:50
Daphne ?
Very well Your path is fixed You had every opportunity to speak the truth
- 02:00
We had friendlies guys would like to say happy birthday... ...to... What's
- 02:10
Jenny ?
Um, what the hell is happening? I told you we shouldn't have lied.
- 02:15
Patron
Okay, how would they know you're lying? It's probably just unrelated tribal drumming and a live snake.
- 02:20
Patron ?
No, I'm telling you, man, the waiters, they know.
- 02:26
When you lie about a birthday at Brindley's, you must pay the ultimate price! Sin! Sin! Sin! Sin! Oh, stand in me. In me. Bring us the Lord. Behold the summoner. Behold Lamashtu. Now
- 02:57
Patron ?
Oh great, they've summoned Lamashtu!
- 03:01
Sage ?
Now drink! Drink of the blood of Lamashtu!
- 03:06
Jenny ?
Guys!
- 03:07
Patron ?
Just Just drink the blood, Jenny. It's free. Relax.
- 03:11
I'm Drink! Drink! Drink!
- 03:15
No, you all re-baptized by the mother of beasts. The mistress of insanity. The Magician Pazuzu cannot save you now. Hey! the roar of the demon dog
- 03:29
Patron ?
how do they even check if it's someone's Birthday!
- 03:38
Sage
We send someone to the hospital you were born at! And with over a hundred locations on the East Coast, it's not hard.
- 03:51
Patron ?
Hey, is there a restroom?
- 03:53
Oh, sure! Back there and to the left.
- 03:56
Patron ?
Okay, well at least the blood of Lamashtu didn't awaken anyone.
- 04:00
The blood of Lamashtu awakens Molaram. Okay,
- 04:13
Mola Ram ?
Come, birthday girl! Come with Mora Ram!
- 04:19
Jenny ?
You guys, you I just let Paul in.
- 04:23
Patron ?
Okay, it's friendlies, Jenny. He's being friendly.
- 04:26
Mola Ram ?
Bring me the cage of false birthdays. HONNA MASHIVI! HONNA MASHIVI! You have betrayed friendlies. You have betrayed Lamashtu. You have betrayed Kalimah.
- 04:44
Jenny ?
GUYS! YOU HAVE SOMETHING!
- 04:47
Patron ?
I would, but I kind of want to see where this goes.
- 04:56
Jenny ?
We He took my heart!
- 04:59
Patron
Yeah, know Mola Ram is stealing all of our hearts, Jenny.
- 05:05
Daphne
No, we will eat the rest of your friend. But her heart is on the house.
- 05:12
Patron ?
Oh, look, they put a little ice cream cone hat on Jenny's heart. They are friendly. Yay!
- 05:22
Freddy, Don't you dare lie to us. All praise the Mach Tube.
The rabbit hole continues
One more couldn’t hurt.
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